Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks  (Read 31147 times)

Offline Swampfox one

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Dear agent,

When the nude corpse of the wife of the developer of the exclusive community, Marsh Island, is found sprawled on the golf course, Sheriff Lightfoot knows itís his case to solve.  As Lightfoot investigates the case, it quickly becomes more than just a murder case but one of incest, adultery, drugs, greed and bankruptcy. 

JUSTICE SERVED is a 95,000-word mystery.  Similar to Robert B. Parkerís Sea Change, it races through a four-week period on St. Simons Island.

Iím a member of the Georgia Association of Writers.  As well as a participant in the Scribblersí Retreat Writerís Conference. 

Thank you for your time.


Wolfe

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Let's try something different.  :)

When the nude corpse of the wife of the developer of the exclusive community, Marsh Island, is found sprawled on the golf course, Sheriff Lightfoot knows itís his case to solve.

Rewrite this sentence without the word 'of' or any adjectives. Can you show us how it would read, please?

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

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Let's try something different.  :)

When the nude corpse of the wife of the developer of the exclusive community, Marsh Island, is found sprawled on the golf course, Sheriff Lightfoot knows itís his case to solve.

Rewrite this sentence without the word 'of' or any adjectives. Can you show us how it would read, please?

Wolfe

A corpse sprawled on the Marsh Island golf course brings Sheriff Lightfoot into a case he must solve. ;D

Wolfe

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I'll remove the adjective that snuck into the sentence. ;)

A corpse sprawled on the Marsh Island brings Sheriff Lightfoot into a case he must solve.

Next, place your most powerful nouns in the front and end. You can only use the words above, but may use more powerful synonyms if you want.

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

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Quote
Next, place your most powerful nouns in the front and end. You can only use the words above, but may use more powerful synonyms if you want.

Wolfe


I am not sure what you are asking?

Wolfe

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No worries. ;)  I want you to place the strongest words in the sentence's front (the first word or the one after a pronoun) and the same at the sentence's end.

Like this. My apologies to Ma100. :)

Original: Eyes closed, she tried to prolong the rapturous tingle when she fused with the stone and mortar.

Now, I'll highlight the nouns: Eyes closed, she tried to prolong the rapturous tingle when she fused with the stone and mortar.

Check: Eyes and mortar start and end the sentence. But, tingle and rapturous display the power. Let's make that them start or end words.

Edit #1: Tingles prolonged her eyes closed when the stone and mortar fused in rapture.

Sounds strange. So, let's choose synonyms. Tingles hint desire. Let's choose that.

Edit #2: Desire prolonged her eyes closed when the stone and mortar fused in rapture.

The verb sounds odd, so let's pick another.  Forced?  Let's try that.

Edit #3: Desire forced her eyes closed when the stone and mortar fused in rapture.

Uh-oh! That adjective invaded! Closed must go.  Let's make it the verb.

Edit #4: Desire closed her eyes when the stone and mortar fused in rapture.

Closed sounds weak.  Let's edit that.

Edit #5: Desire sealed her eyes when the stone and mortar fused in rapture.

Close, but let's go all out with sexual metaphors.

Edit #6: Desire sealed her eyes when the stone and mortar embraced in rapture.

Almost...

Edit #7: Darkness kissed her eyes when the stone and mortar embraced in rapture.

One more clean-up.

Darkness kissed her eyes when stone and mortar embraced in rapture.

Now, the power words darkness and rapture start and end the sentence. The power verbs, kissed and embraced, enhance the middle.  That was the next lesson, but what the heck.  ;D

Your turn. :)

Wolfe
« Last Edit: March 25, 2009, 07:49:20 PM by Wolfe »

Offline Swampfox one

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A corpse sprawled on the Marsh Island brings Sheriff Lightfoot into a case he must solve.

A corpse drags sheriff Lightfoot into a homicide he must solve when it is found sprawled on Marsh Island.


Wolfe

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Corpse does show power.  But, Island? I think homicide does it better.  Can you work those two? :)

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

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 A corpse sprawled on Marsh Island drags Sheriff Lightfoot into a homicide.

Offline eric

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I am sorry, that evokes images you cannot have intended.  The verb may be at fault, but follow Wolfe to a "tee."  Not sure you have yet.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2009, 09:33:55 PM by eric »

Offline Swampfox one

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It was a lively corpse. ;D

Itís late time for two fingers of Knob Creek or gentlemen Jack your choice. 8)

Offline eric

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The sinful never rest.  I had worked up another example for you, JH, but either a worldwide failure of the global internet system or a loose plug in my kitchen made me lose it.  I guess something is trying to tell me something.

But one last comment--you might find it necessary to replace homicide with another noun, just as strong.  Think that over while you bend your elbow.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2009, 10:53:55 PM by eric »

Offline Swampfox one

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 A corpse sprawled on Marsh Island draws Sheriff Lightfoot into a homicide.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2009, 08:32:32 PM by JHMull »

Offline eric

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This is deja vu all over again.   :)  Like #53, it evokes images you cannot have intended.  Am I getting in Wolfe's way, though?  I will step aside and go burn incense.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2009, 08:25:19 PM by eric »

Wolfe

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A corpse sprawled on Marsh Island draws Sheriff Lightfoot into a homicide.

Yes, you said the corpse dragged Sheriff Lightfoot off and killed him. Best rewrite it.

Wolfe