Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks  (Read 31129 times)

Wolfe

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I think I can look at this with cooler eyes.

Dear Agent, (good)

The corpse drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.

Observation: With hooks, ask if you can see it used for a movie poster or first line on the novel's back. The opening line shows power, but lacks the extra power you want for a hook. Consider combining the first and second sentence. Rewrite a new hook. Make the hook five to ten words.

Yet, (combined the sentences) Sheriff Lightfoot discovered (heavy word - links with alliteration though) more to the murder (given and wordy?) than a dead diva (good alliteration) sprawled on Marsh Islandís (contradiction with second paragraph) ninth green.  He failed her in life, but he would serve justice in death (potential confusion in clarity).

JUSTICE SERVED is (linking verb) a 95,000-word mystery.  It races (good verb) through a five-week period (good timetable) on St. Simons Island (good specifics) (Which island is it? This or Marsh Island?) like Robert B. Parkerís Sea Change (remember your italics) (dangling modifier - you said Sea Change raced through St. Simons Island).

Iím (hidden passive) a member of (wordy) the Georgia Association of Writers, as well as (and) a participant (shady word choice) in the Scribblersí Retreat Writerís Conference (Conference? If a one-time meeting, remove)

Thank you for your time. (good)

Observation: Needs more in the second and third paragraph.

Wolfe
« Last Edit: April 23, 2009, 12:12:48 AM by Wolfe »

Offline Swampfox one

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Dear Agent.

The dead diva on Marsh Islandís ninth green drew more stares than she did as Miss Georgia.
The sheriff discovers each clue leads to a new level of secrecy Ė incest, adultery, abuse, extortion, blackmail and drug trafficking.  To find the killer, he must solve the related mysteries.

JUSTICE SERVED a 95,000-word mystery races through a five-week period on Marsh Island.  It is similar to Robert B. Parkerís Sea Change. 
I am a member of the Georgia Association of Writers.  After service to my country and Merrill Lynch, I retired and live on an island on the coast of Georgia.

Thank you for your time