Author Topic: Ezekiel's Angel - Chp. 1 (new author)  (Read 28917 times)

Offline SexyNelf24

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Re: Ezekiel's Angel - Chp. 1 (new author)
« Reply #15 on: February 26, 2009, 02:55:12 PM »
Janie,

I'm not going to comment on your dialogue, because if it's a vampire story, the people who are likely to read this will not worry about whether the speech is in period or not. I find it a little modern, but that is often the case even in published historical fiction these days.

Even so, I would like to get it as close as possible, without making it hard to read. Is there a middle ground between what was used then and what I am using?

A widow was expected to mourn her husband for two years, but after a year and a day she could dress in half-mourning. This meant wearing black with coloured trimmings, pinstripes, greys etc. Even Queen Victoria, known for being in mourning for forty years, was only in full mourning for three years.

I knew it was around two years...but I didn't know about the half-mourning, this will give me a chance to describe the clothing. Awesome!

My first thought here is why doesn't she own a riding dress. They didn't ride in everyday dresses, unless they were poor and couldn't afford anything better. You can see some riding dresses here. The elbow length white gloves would only be for evening wear. She would wear leather gloves for riding. Ladies often favoured York Tan gloves, which were a sort of yucky orange-mustard yellow. (regardless of the colour of the dress)


See, this was a part that i was super worried about, I didn't know how she would dress to ride....i had emailed some moderators for a few websites on regency fashions but no one ever replied. Thank you, I will fix it this weekend!

Your typical high-waisted dress, as seen in numerous Jane Austen adaptations, dates this to roughly between 1795-1820. Is that the time period you were aiming for?
Yes... around 1810. I looked up a map for this time period for Devon so that I could kinda picture the ground layout.

Earlier you said her uncle was one of the wealthiest men in the country, therefore it would be unlikely anyone would expect or require her to buy a duck. Actually, estates belonging to moderately rich men would have their own home farm, where chickens and ducks would be bred for the house. An estate was expected to be self-sufficient, and some also supported a town house.
Jane would have struggled to smooth her dress as, in that position, it would be gathered in her lap, with half her legs exposed.
.......
Her mother would not have frowned. She would have thrown a fit. Young ladies did not normally learn to ride astride, although it's common for hoydenish young women in romance novels to do so. If her uncle is wealthy, he would have staff in the stables to saddle her horse. In fact, she would have only needed to lift a finger and the horse would have been brought to the main entrance, saddled, bridled, and with a groom to ride alongside her.
........
At the beginning of the 19th century, a young gentle born woman, riding a horse astride, is equal to wearing stilettos and a mini-skirt, and hanging out on street corners. It doesn't actually prove lack of innocence, but very strongly suggests it. Therefore, the words lacking decorum are a bit of an understatement.

See... this was something I wasn't sure how to express. What happened was that when Jane's father died, she and her mother were taken in by her uncle, but were expected to help run the household (be in charge of the servants mostly). Even though there are people to do these things for her: saddle the horse, buy the duck, etc. She is looking for ways to assert her independence and by going and buying the duck and refusing company on her rides shes doing that. And yes, I am aware of the reputation she will receive, but in my mind that's part of why I love her? But perhaps I'll have her horse saddled for her and write a dialogue about her refusing the company of a groom.

If you can't imagine how one of the wealthiest people in the country lived, you might find it easier to lower the status of the uncle. Besides, a poorer uncle would be more likely to want to sell her off to the highest bidder than a rich one.

True... I probably should, but I don't want him to be too poor because there are certain things I want Jane to be able to have/experience. Once again is there a middle ground?

The status of Ezekiel is unclear, but if he's been working in the stables - particularly in an unofficial capacity - then why would one of England's richest men allow him to court his niece?

See this is what Ezekiel is worried about, that he won't be allowed to court her. And really, he isn't poor, but he isn't as well off as Jane, though if i lower her uncle's status perhaps they will be equal. The only reason he helps out in the stables is to have a reason to be closer to her. The type of girl I am making her into would be more interested in the type of quite hard worker than one who was very obviously well off and made a point to act as such? does that make sense?

A single man could not ask a single young woman to accompany him to a party. He would have to hope that she received an invitation, and that her mother accepted it, which seems unlikely considering she's still mourning her husband. Invitations could be accepted while in half mourning, but you've already set the mother up as still being upset over her husband's death, which would seem to preclude the idea of her going out partying.

Even if Ezekiel and Jane were betrothed, they still wouldn't be allowed to go to a party as a couple.


Hmm... I didn't know about the mother accepting the invitation. Could she not go without her mother?  And I'll change the set up i have about how Ezekiel is looking at the party. I guess I need to word it better. I wasn't really expecting them to go together, more so that they would just be at the same party and he would have a chance to speak with her, and perhaps dance.




Thank you so much for everything. I'll try to figure some of this out this weekend when i get the chance to write.

Offline flights_of_fantasy

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Re: Ezekiel's Angel - Chp. 1 (new author)
« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2009, 02:05:14 AM »
Quote
See this is what Ezekiel is worried about, that he won't be allowed to court her. And really, he isn't poor, but he isn't as well off as Jane, though if i lower her uncle's status perhaps they will be equal. The only reason he helps out in the stables is to have a reason to be closer to her. The type of girl I am making her into would be more interested in the type of quite hard worker than one who was very obviously well off and made a point to act as such? does that make sense?
It would depend on what Ezekiel's background is, how long ago he was born, the sort of things he's seen and done. The class system is alive and well in the UK today, but then it was even more important. The rich had all the power, and Vampires are usually portrayed as power hungry. If he's already been a Vampire for a while, then he might have accumulated a moderate amount of wealth, or he uses his skills to keep himself in a comfortable style. He's also got to be good at hiding his condition, and money helps here. In my mind, a vampire would arrange for a servant to keep him informed of Jane's whereabouts, so he can meet her by chance whilst riding. They've never struck me as being the sort who would favour hard work, but then Ezekiel might be different.

Also, does he have a problem with being out in daylight?

I think it's a very good idea to have a heroine who's more than just a girly girl. She'll cope better with the stress of people coming after her with pitchforks.  :) All you need to do is give her a life that forces her to toughen up. Readers will be happy with most things as long as you give them justification for why your characters act as they do.

Quote
Hmm... I didn't know about the mother accepting the invitation. Could she not go without her mother? 
A young woman would never go to a party on her own, but there are ways around it. If her mother has a friend living nearby, she could offer to take Jane. (imagine something like Mrs Jennings in Sense & Sensibility or Mrs Allen in Northanger Abbey) She only has to be escorted by a married woman - a chaperone.

Although I've concentrated on the period detail, it's still only the topping on the ice-cream. The writing craft (the pov's, tense, show not tell, etc.) is the vanilla, strawberry and chocolate of your story. Get the base right, and the rest can be adjusted, depending on how sweet a tooth you have.  ;D 

Heather

"A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in. My magnum opus, Baldrick. Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine."
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder the Third, Ink & Incapability

Offline TheSecondOne

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Re: Ezekiel's Angel - Chp. 1 (new author)
« Reply #17 on: February 27, 2009, 03:33:12 AM »
I've read parts of your entry and found it remarkably similar to Twilight. Have you read that before? Probably you've subconsciously borrowed some of it's ideas without noticing. Try to avoid it as much as possible.

As for the "show, don't tell" rule, imagine that your novel is like a movie. "Show" those parts that matter the most. It's possible to show without resorting to too much detail (slowing the story as a result). "Tell" those that matter, but would take too long to describe even a tiny bit of detail.
Current Project: 26602 words

Offline SexyNelf24

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Re: Ezekiel's Angel - Chp. 1 (new author)
« Reply #18 on: February 27, 2009, 11:17:05 AM »
ok, the beginning of the story is in the present, but then quickly switches to the past. In the majority of the chapter, they are not vampires yet. I'll pick up where i left off with Jane and John in the woods later on after I have explained the rest of their story and how they become Vampires. Also, I started writing this story before I read Twilight, but I have read it. I am trying my hardest to make it unlike Twilight. The only similarities right now in my opinion is that there is a guy, a girl...and eventually they will be vampires. The difference in my story is...though they won't be "daywalkers", it won't be because they "glitter"  or that they are allergic to sunlight, but more so its a way of protecting themselves from temptation. Yes they will be "vegetarians" for the most part, but I believe that every now and then, they will have a donor. No, their eyes will not change colors. Another difference, Jane is turned first, and then turns Ezekiel. I haven't yet decided how she will do this. I wanted to do the whole saving him through turning him thing...but my senario sounded like rosalie and emmet, so i am trying to figure out a different way of making this happen.

Offline dynodreamer

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Re: Ezekiel's Angel - Chp. 1 (new author)
« Reply #19 on: February 27, 2009, 07:15:35 PM »

It was a warm, breezy night, a night that she would have normally taken her horse Serena down by the lake to watch the fireflies.

I was thrown off from the intended meaning. 'Had to read it twice to understand that the night, being warm and  breezy was what prompted the conditions for taking the horse to the lake, rather than ... it being on the schedule to do that anyways.
If the warmth of the night was the impetus - the word which needs to replace the word that.
The difference between theory and practice is that in theory there isnít any - Yogi Berra
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