Author Topic: #P2 Scattered Quarry  (Read 968 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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#P2 Scattered Quarry
« on: February 13, 2009, 06:59:40 AM »
This is page 2 of my new project, "Scattered Quarry" I'm still trying to set the stage for the plot.   http://skipslocum.wordpress.com/scattered-quarry/
________

     Dean Stone unlocked his toolbox and emptied his pockets before starting work that morning. His grandfather walked over to him still laughing about the befuddled expression Dean had left on his uncle’s face. Grandpa saw him take two cell phones out of his pockets, laying them in the open drawer of the box.

“Do you really think you’ll ever get a call from that one?”

Dean had told his grandfather why he carried the second phone, so he didn’t try to hide the truth.

“Well if I do you can bet the shit has hit the fan somewhere.”

No sooner had he gotten those words out when it started ringing.

“Don’t look at me boy, I didn’t touch it.”

Dean answered it but knew better than say names over an open line.

“Hello?”

“There is a priority-one package on its way. Their on my ass right now, I’ve been hit once already. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

“Yes I understand.”

“Listen to me, I might not make it, you’re on your own, do what you think is right, you hear me?

“Yes….”

     The phone went dead.  Dean stood there, staring at it trying to imagine what was going on at the other end of that call. He recognized Jim’s voice and heard the urgency in his tone. 

“What’s going on Dean?”

“All hell just broke loose Grandpa and they caught my handler on the phone which means they could be on there way here along with a package.”

“You mean you got one of them witnesses to protect?”

“Grandpa you can’t say a word to anyone and I gotta get out of here for a while.”

     Dean started gathering his things together. “Gramps, I gotta go back to my apartment and wait for this guy to show, then I ‘m gonna need to bug-out for a while until we can straighten out this mess.”

Grandpa stood there pointing his finger. Every time he got excited it took him a minute to put things into words.

“You can, I know where you can go, wait-wait. Take him out to the property. Its out of the way and no one but me and your dad knows about it”

Dean nodded. “Okay, but you keep quiet and don’t go near it even if you think you need to talk to me. As far as you know I just quit and left town. Deal?”

“Okay, but you keep your head down, hurry home; you and me gotta kick some butt boy.”

“I’ll be careful, tell Pop why I’m outta here but no one else not even Paul.”

     Dean jumped in his van and headed back to his place. His training kicked in and he started evaluating everything he knew so far. Jim’s voice echoed in his head.

‘Their on my ass right now, I’ve been hit once already.’

In the background, Dean heard an airplane before the phone went dead.

‘They might have caught up with him at the airport after he sent the witness. If they trace his call here to Phoenix, they might look at all the taxi trips from the Airport within a two-hour window after the flight lands. That doesn’t leave me much time. I gotta scrub that apartment clean of everything with my name on it. If they can’t follow me then Grandpa will be safe otherwise I’ll have bigger problems.’

     Dean rented the studio apartment under a false name so Jim could have an address to send the “package” to. When he leaves, it had better not have a trace of his identity anywhere around it. Most of his stuff was at his dad’s house, all his mail went there too so all he had to do is dump the van, and he would be home free.

     Dean had all his gear packed and his guns loaded. The van was backed into the driveway and ready to go. He splayed a few papers on the table that made it look at if the people who lived there were going to Los Angeles to an amusement park; that would be a logical reason to be gone for a week or two.

     When the Taxi pulled up Dean expected a man to get out of the back but instead a gorgeous little redhead in high heels paid the driver before the taxi drove away. Dean stayed inside and looked up and down the street to see if she was gathering unwanted attention or if she was followed.

‘Holy-crap, what am I gonna do with you. You stick out like a sore thumb. A blind man could have followed you.’

She knocked on his door even though it was open, “Anybody home?”
Dean held his Glock behind his leg. “Come in.”

“Are you Dan Black?”

“Yes”

“Jim Campbell sent me; you’re supposed to tell me something so I know who you are.”

This was all happening exactly as Jim told him it would so Dean knew he was looking at the witness he was tasked to take care of. So he confirmed his code to her.

“I am you Z-3 Contractor. You must do what I tell you without question, is that understood?” *
« Last Edit: February 15, 2009, 07:58:22 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline ma100

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Re: #P2 Scattered Quarry
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2009, 08:53:21 AM »
Hi Skip

You are still doing a lot of telling and slipping in explaining info. I have tried to show you some examples and not the best choice of words that don't fit in with your story, but I hope it helps.

Keep going mate :) 

Ma
________

     Dean Stone unlocked his toolbox and emptied his pockets before starting work that morning. His grandfather walked over to him still laughing about the befuddled expression Dean had left on his uncle’s face. Grandpa saw him take two cell phones out of his pockets, laying them in the open drawer of the box.

Dean Stone unlocked the toolbox and opened the front drawer. He placed two cell phones and some coins into the tray.

“Do you really think you’ll ever get a call from that one?”Grandpa, arched a quizzical eyebrow at the Motorola.

Dean had told his grandfather why he carried the second phone, so he didn’t try to hide the truth.(All tell. Is it necessary can you show this somehow?)

“Well if I do you can bet the shit has hit the fan somewhere.”

brr..brr...brr


No sooner had he gotten those words out when it started ringing.

Dean's eyes widened as the phones insistent ring echoed around the work room.


“Don’t look at me boy, I didn’t touch it.”

Dean answered it but knew better than say names over an open line. (Info)

“Hello?” With the phone close to his ear, Dean walked towards the window.

“There is a priority-one package on its way. Their on my ass right now, I’ve been hit once already. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

“Yes I understand.” Dean caught the worried frown on Grandpa's face.

“Listen to me, I might not make it, you’re on your own, do what you think is right, you hear me?

“Yes….” The agitation in Jim's tone made his stomach flip.

What the hell?


     

Offline nswperson

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Re: #P2 Scattered Quarry
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2009, 04:58:59 AM »
Hi Skip

I became totally involved in the story.

I hope you intended to write the conversation for Dean Stone as a rough diamond, becuse that is how he comes across.

I found a few minor errors, that I have listed below:

“All hell just broke loose Grandpa and they caught my handler on the phone which means they could be on there way here along with a package.” (their)

Their on my ass right now, I’ve been hit once already.’ (they’re)

 Dean had all his gear packed and his guns loaded. The van was backed into the driveway and ready to go. He splayed a few papers on the table that made it look at (as) if the people who lived there were going to Los Angeles to an amusement park; that would be a logical reason to be gone for a week or two.

When the Taxi (taxi) pulled up Dean expected a man to get out of the back but instead a gorgeous little redhead in high heels paid the driver before the taxi drove away.

“I am you Z-3 Contractor. -? (your)

I enjoyed this piece of writing.  Well done
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Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: #P2 Scattered Quarry
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2009, 05:18:25 AM »
Thank you, I'll fix those errors right away.

Ma is trying to teach me show instead of telling but the lights haven't come on in my thick head yet. (in third person if no one is talking how else is it going to come out??? so some day it might sink in)

Stone is going to be rough-cut and windy is going to be a New York City "Lady" so I am going to try and merge them into a couple while on their journey.  ;D
Skip

Offline nswperson

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Re: #P2 Scattered Quarry
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2009, 10:31:33 PM »
Hi Skip

That is a good concept for your story.

I wasn't sure what Ma had been trying to tell you, either. 

After looking at what she had included in bold letters, I think what she has been trying to say is: 

Your characters do a lot of talking, but do not impart much information, so you can include some descriptions and information in bits and pieces like she has done, in her examples to you.

Keep writing.
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