Author Topic: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)  (Read 2519 times)

Nelodra

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The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« on: January 18, 2009, 08:13:44 AM »
This is the beginning of Chapter 27 of my WIP.

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« Last Edit: February 16, 2009, 05:26:12 PM by Nelodra »

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2009, 02:44:45 PM »
This is one long sentence:

Of course she was dependent upon Nushad to carry her up and down the stairs twice a day, and she dreaded those moments more than anything, but other than that the couple busied themselves looking after the house, the garden and preparing meals, while Cordelia spent most of her time locked up in the office, reading up on her clients.

parts of this piece were confusing to me only because it's a snippit of a larger work. If I had read the entire thing I'm sure they would have been clear.

oh and you used the slang "spill" instead of divulge or reveal. that's the only thing I found out of place.

Skip

Nelodra

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2009, 03:04:44 PM »
Thanks, Skip.  :)

The "was" was a typo. It was in the handwritten piece, but somehow got lost during the typing. I hcanged that.

Yes, that's a long sentence, isn't it? Does it read OK despite being long, or should I try to cut it in two somehow?

The spill... not sure bout whether or not to replace that. She does use some slang from time to time, but granted, not a lot. It's usually her alter Eliora who does that. I'll have another good look at it.


Now, there's this sentence I'm a bit uncertain about:

Quote
“Haven’t you eaten enough, Cordelia?” Nushad said with a sly wink as he caught her biting her nails, “there’s still some toast left, you know.”

Does it look like I changed the POV from Cordelia to Nushad, or could this still be written from Cordelia's POV?
I'm quite strict where it comes to changes in POV and there are only a a few characters in this story from whose POV I allow myself to write: Cordelia, her alters and Neil.


Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2009, 03:13:24 PM »
To me the point of view is fine. Its something he noticed before his next statment.

and

The long sentance reads fine to me as well but I'm not well versed on rules so I can't say.

Nelodra

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2009, 03:17:44 PM »
To me the point of view is fine. Its something he noticed before his next statment.

and

The long sentance reads fine to me as well but I'm not well versed on rules so I can't say.


Thanks again, Skip.
I hope others will come and share their thoughts as well.

As for the POV... you perceive it to be written from Nushad's point of view then, don't you?

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2009, 04:22:41 PM »
yes, he calls her by name, then continues.

Nelodra

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2009, 06:34:23 PM »
See, that answers my question. I can't allow myself to write from Nushad's POV, so I'll have to rewrite that sentence.
Thanks, buddy.  :)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2009, 07:42:58 PM »
“Haven’t you eaten enough, Cordelia?” Nushad said with a sly wink as he caught her biting her nails, “there’s still some toast left, you know.”

I'm afraid I have to disagree with Skip on this Nel.

When you say "as he caught her biting her nails," it put it in his POV.

You could write it as is, leaving that portion out but keeping the 'sly wink' and it would remain in Cordelia's POV. You would need to show her realizing she was biting her nails in the next sentence though for it to make sense.
Maybe something like:

“Ha, ha! Not funny, old priest,” Cordelia said, jerking her fingernails from her mouth and hiding her ravaged nails in her lap, “it’s none of your fucking business.”



At least, that's my thoughts on it.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2009, 07:44:49 PM by Country4Gal »
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Nelodra

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2009, 08:15:06 PM »
Unless I'm all confused now, that's what Skip was saying too, Alice.  That it indeed read as if the POV had skipped to Nushad, which only confirms my own fears even more.

I'm definitely going to rewrite that sentence. Not sure how yet, but I will come up with something and post the edited version.

Thanks so much.  :)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2009, 08:46:18 PM »
Maybe I'm the one that's confused.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Nelodra

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2009, 08:58:06 PM »
It doesn't really matter who's confused. Your feedback was very helpful.  :)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2009, 09:44:50 PM »
This has been my day for confusion Nel.  I've lost count of the number of posts I've written or started to write and relized I was not saying what I intended or else was making little sense.

Sometimes the delete button is my friend.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Nelodra

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Re: The shut-up-and-pretend game (726 words)
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2009, 09:47:07 PM »
I have those days, too, Alice.
Don't worry. Tomorrow will be another day.  :)