Author Topic: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"  (Read 3167 times)

Offline Zombiemouse

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2009, 08:08:49 AM »
Since you put it that way it would captivate much more if instead he was sitting at a bench writing, he was in some about-to-die situation yet was extremely calm.  .....or worried for the first time...   hmmm   THANKS!

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2009, 02:54:19 PM »
I really enjoyed this and I think everyone else has given great advice so far. I just wanted to add a comment about the last paragraph. It's already been said that each piece of dialogue should be on a separate line. Once this is done, I think you'll be able to see my point easier. Ok, onto the point:  That paragraph felt very rushed. It was just a lot of he said, she said, he said again. I need a little more description to keep from being bored (I'm not bored yet, but it was getting close). I know that at this point Dennis is writing in a diary. Whether or not you change that idea, I still think there needs to be more detail.

For example:  You go from
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“Well come in stranger!  Brush off your snow!”
to
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The cosy interior glowed orange from the fireplace.
What you didn't explain here is Dennis walking into the room. Now, you don't always need to mention the character walking in; sometimes it is completely unnecessary. But here, I think it would be beneficial. You could take this opportunity to put some emotions into the story. Was he scared? Skeptical? Relieved? Without saying this, the reader has no idea how he's feeling. You could easily insert something like this: 

"I stepped cautiously through the doorframe, taking stock of my surroundings. Since being tortured, I had the annoying habit of planning an escape route from any room that I entered. The cosy interior glowed orange from the fireplace. A quick scan revealed that my only other option was a small window on the western side. I could fit through the window with some effort, but it wouldn't make do for a quick getaway. My only options remained the door and the fireplace. I hope they don't block the door; I'd rather not be burned today."

Ok, I know I took a LOT of liberties with that example, but see how much more the reader is getting into Dennis's head? And, we aren't losing any description. You wouldn't have to do something this long or detailed with each piece of dialogue. Sometimes, it would be best to do nothing at all. However, throughout that section, there should be SOME more. Just so it's not too rushed. Especially since it's the beginning of the story, it's nice to get into the character's head a bit. Later on, you won't have to do it as much to convey what he is thinking. The reader will get a better sense of him.

I hope that helps.

Offline Zombiemouse

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2009, 03:10:06 PM »
YES that helps ALOT!  Thanks Jane.  I'll try not to steal your work verbatim lol jk

Okay I'm off to rewrite this page....

Offline Josef Litobarski

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2009, 03:13:11 PM »
Haha, that's pretty inventive, Plain_Jane! To have Dennis planning escape routes for every room he enters - it's a sneaky way of linking into a description of a room. I like how Dennis is able to regard a roaring fireplace as a possible escape route... because he can't die! :D

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2009, 05:47:41 PM »
JL & Zombiemouse -- I'm glad you liked that. It was too perfect not to use as an example.

Zombiemouse -- Feel free to steal that concept. When I give examples, I don't mind if people want to keep that idea.

Offline Zombiemouse

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2009, 08:18:33 PM »
JL & Zombiemouse -- I'm glad you liked that. It was too perfect not to use as an example.

Zombiemouse -- Feel free to steal that concept. When I give examples, I don't mind if people want to keep that idea.

Okay.  If I ever get rich and famous from my book I'll put a huge 'special thanks' for you in big bold letters.

Have you posted any samples of your work anywhere in the forums?  I can't find how to look up where other users posted... 

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Beginning of my book "Time and Memmorial"
« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2009, 09:08:12 PM »
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Okay.  If I ever get rich and famous from my book I'll put a huge 'special thanks' for you in big bold letters.

Haha! Thanks.

I just posted a new scene from the story I'm working on, and I had posted another one earlier. I haven't posted much of my stuff yet because I'm still just getting the story down, so it's really rough.

If you want to look up someone else's post, just click on their name and it will take you to their stats. At the bottom, there is a link that says, "Show the last posts of this person." This will bring you to a page that has all of their recent posts. I'm newer to the site and don't have too many posts, so you can sift through my reviews, and eventually you'll find the first scene I posted. I'd love some more comments!