Author Topic: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos  (Read 2037 times)

Offline Charlesp

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The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« on: January 13, 2009, 03:52:36 PM »
I apologize to both Charles and all those who have commented on the story that was here, but due to the word count of 2,948, well above our limit for this board, I've returned the story for the author to choose an appropriate segment to re-post if they choose.

I should have checked the word count earlier. Sorry for causing others a problem.

Alice

                                         
« Last Edit: September 06, 2015, 10:02:22 AM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline hillwalker3000

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2015, 05:23:14 PM »
At the moment it's impossible to read this wall of text on a computer screen.

Try again and insert some white space between each paragraph.

Like this ^^^ . That makes it much easier on the eye.

You'll not be able to edit the original post because you haven't reached 50 posts yet. Also reposting the original inside a Quote box the way you have here hasn't changed a thing. It might have been worth your while looking on how other posters have presented their work on here before posting your own.

H3K

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2015, 10:11:47 PM »
Note this about a gal working with her husband and she sounds like out of New york so if some people with no imagination can't read don't read mine to cut her down...

Charles:  Fair enough.  I won't read it then.  But I do have a good imagination, and I can imagine that if I wrote an entire wall of text in either Romanes (Romany) or very heavy Cornish dialect very few people would get past the first few lines.

Subtle hint.  Never give anyone a ready-made excuse to not read your work.  Most people will grab it with both hands.

Gyppo
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Offline Mrs N

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2015, 02:13:46 AM »
Note this about a gal working with her husband and she sounds like out of New york so if some people with no imagination can't read don't read mine to cut her down this is the way the good New Yorkers speak I hear them every day thank you

I couldn't get anything done that morning trying to do our taxes as Arlene was getting her mothers birthday gift picked out and I shook my head (full stop/period missing)

 "I'll be...Know my figures are..."

Then the most shocking thing about some people is that they can be quiet, too quiet when they greet you without knocking (full stop/period missing)

 "Mr. Ference?...This Morals Ference Office?"

I jerked around as the two older men were sitting at the chairs provided for their amusement with a real thick folder on the top was (Secreto) in big red letters and then El Distrito Federal de Mexico. I knew it was going to be one of those days

 "What can I help with the Mexican Government gentlemen?"

They looked at the folder as they sized me up bringing out his briefcase speaking "Were going to offer you 150,000. Dollars...Up front Mr. Ference...Right here...Upon one piece of advice...Don't refuse...Your the best in the business"

I barely looked at the case as he opened it (guess what? full stop/period missing ;D) "Let me guess...You want me to donate this to charity down the hall?"

He looked at his partner who didn't say aword so far,didn't even smile...Which could mean anything huh. He finally did say something never raising his voice "Mr. Ference...You might think were crack pots...Maybe two old farts sitting wasting our time...we were sent by a rather large group of investors across the country of United States...Our home..." He slammed his hand down hard enough to make my tax paper fly off "We will not waste your time...Kindly listen to our offer" He never raised his voice as his partner opened the file with the little red string keeping it all together. I knew my taxes would have to wait as it sat on the floor "Here we go...One Rafeal Orillios Ganzalos...This character is an assassin...We are one hundred precent correct he will operate in our Country...Soon" I thought about that word "Soon" Only one thing came to mind (yep, missed it again.)

 "Where?"

 They looked at each other as the first one said quietly "No es Buena idea en mi opinion"

I figured why not join in on the conversation "Tienes Algun Problema Senore?"

They looked at me in shock as the first stammered "AaH...Do you by chance have relatives in Mexico Mr. Ference?" As his hand was slowly moving to his pocket "I wouldn't reach any further if I were you...Inside my desk is an old friend unclear just who is speaking.

12 gauge...All I have to do is raise my knee and get back to my taxes"

They stopped as the second one smiled getting up "Mr Ference...Maybe were just feeling desperate...We would like to keep you as our employed detective...My accountant can solve your dilemma...At no charge...Of course" chuckling getting all the paper work off the floor sliding it all into their case and making their way out quietly

 "Hey...I don't even know your names"

The second one was closing the door still smiling "We know you Mr Ference" Slowly closing the door an left "I'll be...Just might get the taxes done on time this year huh"

I opened the report as Arlene my wife 6 feet 4 three and a half feet of blonde hair got in from our own elevator "Oh had to ged dat one idem seval huded dollas...fo motha...Whads dis?"

I turned the case around opening it "Look honey our refund...Got our taxes done in...record time"

She looked at it shocked "Moyals...Wheah did dis come fwom?"

 I smiled "Well there was this little leperchand and...Yeah your right...I robbed the Bank of England"

She smiled an took a stack of ten thousand kissing me on the forehead "Dank yo Moyals be a minute ged someding betta" She left as quick as it all came and I turned it around looking it over shutting the case "Well its going to help me find this guy"

I left a message for Arlene on where to find me and got on a flight for Houston Texas and it was one hot place just what they call summer time, well it was an oven and the people were nice as could be "Would ya'll get out of the way!"

I made sure I wasn't standing in any doorways making my way for the cactus lounge "You have any welcome mat for eastern folk here?" She must have been fifty or so and smiled with two seperate teeth missing and hissed as she spoke

 "You'll have to speak up friend...WELL SPEAK UP!"

I nodded looking around as the customers were sizing me up as one older Mexican sitting on a barstool quietly told her "Rosy...Have the gentleman a fizztickle"

She looked at him funny "You!...Hey Gent!...You want a fizzy?"

 I didn't have any idea what it was "I wouldn't mind having one thank senore"

He nodded getting back to his paper "Anytime senore...relax you'll do alright...Not another word for a while...hear me?"

I nodded and took a drink of the purple drink set in front of me and it burned all the way down as I looked for something cool, several people laughed seeing my expression "See the gringo is...A gringo Eh?"

They all laughed good naturedly and I sat there what felt like ages as the crowd thinned a little as the bored ones left for home as the fella put up his paper after the last three people slowly made there way out, the next thing I know is he was covering me with his 45 as the whole room filled up with men and women who pulled their own guns out That is one, long, never-ending (because there's no full stop/period!) sentence. ;)


Right, I'll leave you to format the rest. Try and clean up the punctuation. You want readers to understand your work, right? Don't put them off by not attending to simple stuff you can fix. ;)

Also the New York dialect: I don't hear it every day, or even once a month, but as your reader you'll have lost me if I don't get what the lovely Arlene is saying. It's no good the author (you) telling me that's correct/accurate/whatever. If I don't understand it, what's the point of continuing to read it? Get my meaning? ;D 



« Last Edit: September 06, 2015, 02:22:24 AM by Mrs N »

Offline Clarius

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2015, 06:02:53 AM »
This is almost a 1000 words over the official word count limit. I read pretty much all of this, even had a go at trying to format it. I gave it up as a bad job. I'll be kind and assume English is not your first language, otherwise the spelling and punctuation errors are unforgivable. I actually liked the premise of this, a story about the nearly 'retirement' of one Rafael Ganzalos. There's almost a novel's worth of story here, summarized into just under 3000 words.  Narrative summary is better known as telling, that thing that writers are supposed not to do. At first I though this was a stream of consciousness type of thing, then I read what I assume is your opening statement to other members.

Note this about a gal working with her husband and she sounds like out of New york so if some people with no imagination can't read don't read mine to cut her down this is the way the good New Yorkers speak I hear them every day thank you

^ That smacks of a warning that no other opinion but yours will be welcomed or tolerated. What you're telling me here is that if I can't understand/appreciate your work then it's because I'm - what? - too stupid to appreciate your literary talent. I have two words for people with this attitude, and the second of those two words is off. You can select any appropriate verb of your own choosing to precede off.
O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us

 - Robert Burns

Offline hillwalker3000

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2015, 06:18:59 AM »
At first I though this was a stream of consciousness type of thing, then I read what I assume is your opening statement to other members.

Note this about a gal working with her husband and she sounds like out of New york so if some people with no imagination can't read don't read mine to cut her down this is the way the good New Yorkers speak I hear them every day thank you

^ That smacks of a warning that no other opinion but yours will be welcomed or tolerated. What you're telling me here is that if I can't understand/appreciate your work then it's because I'm - what? - too stupid to appreciate your literary talent. I have two words for people with this attitude, and the second of those two words is off. You can select any appropriate verb of your own choosing to precede off.

I agree 100%. Maybe we need another sticky for new posters along the lines of:
'If you have an attitude kindly keep it to yourself. All we need to read on here is what you write.' - though on the evidence of this post it's obvious the OP didn't bother to read any of the advice the moderators give new members.

H3K

Offline Mrs N

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2015, 07:14:43 AM »
Clarius... Hilly... you blokes are so aggressive... ::) ;D

Offline Clarius

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2015, 07:22:21 AM »
Clarius... Hilly... you blokes are so aggressive... ::) ;D

You think, maybe, we're overcompensating for something...
O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us

 - Robert Burns

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2015, 07:54:45 AM »
Clarius... Hilly... you blokes are so aggressive... ::) ;D

You mean I wasn't?  I feel left out now ;-)

===

We've all made our point.  Now it's up to the original poster to either comment, act upon, or move on.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Charlesp

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2018, 06:47:03 AM »
Thank you all for your expert opinions, its never set aside.

Offline JanTetstone

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Re: The Retirement of Rafeal Ganzalos
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2018, 08:53:27 AM »
Thank you all for your expert opinions, its never set aside.


Welcome back Charlesp
I hope to read more of your writing.
Did you finish the story?   jt
« Last Edit: October 28, 2018, 02:15:00 PM by JanTetstone »