Author Topic: Twinns Moons 5 (696 words)  (Read 944 times)

Norikoann

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Twinns Moons 5 (696 words)
« on: January 12, 2009, 01:13:52 AM »
Emilia woke well into the morning.  The sun was already up and Emilia figured it was probably past breakfast.  She wondered why no one had woken her.  Perhaps they had not wanted to disturb her.  Well it really didnít matter at this point.  Emi sat up and climbed out of bed.  She instantly noticed that the jacket was no longer on the table but draped over one of the chairs and on the table was a dish of fruit and a glass of grape juice.  Emi  picked up the glass.  It was still chilled.  She drank a gulp.  It was wonderful.  She plopped down in the empty chair and dug into the fruit bowl.  It was just as good as dinner had been. 
   
Soon Emi had it all eaten and she found herself full.  She sighed as she looked at the jacket and remembered Remar.  Then she remembered that she would meet Jamar today and instantly her stomach tied into knots.  She got up and changed from her night shift into her best dress that was not an evening gown.  It was a pleasing purple that came to just below the knees and belled out slightly.  The sleeves were off the shoulder but it did not show any cleavage.  Then Emi sat down and waited for someone to come and get her. 

   An hour later when no one had come Emi decided that she was tired of waiting.  She got up and left her room.  There was no one in sight.  In fact there was no sign of anyone except for the fact that the everything was clean.  Immaculately clean.  Emilia picked a direction and started walking, but soon found herself lost.  She knew that she was heading basically west, from what she could tell but other than that she was lost.

   As she headed further into the castle the corridors became darker, the windows were either shut or boarded up.  And the corridors became less clean, more dirty.  Until finally there were cobwebs in corners and on the ceiling.  Emilia wondered why a part of the castle was perfectly clean and this part wasnít.  Could it be because no one lived in this section?

   As Emi turned down another corridor she saw an open door.  She looked around.  There was no one in sight.  Why would anyone be down this part of the castle anyways, with it being so unkempt.  With measured steps Emilia approached the door.  She peeked into the dark room.  There were several coaches and seats in the room, but it was clear that they were torn up.  Thatís about all that she could tell in the dim light of two candles that sat on a back table.

   Emi entered the room with care.  Someone had to have lit the candles.  But who would be here in a place that was in such a state?  Approaching the table she saw something glittering in between the candles.  Looking closer Emi saw that it was a silver locket.  She picked it up and turned it over in her hands.  On the back was inscribed ĎTo My Darlingí.  Opening it Emi  saw a picture of a woman, an elegantly beautiful woman. 

   Thatís when she heard it.  A low growl coming from right behind her.  She turned, clasping the locket in her hand.  She screamed, for towering over her was what could only be described as a beast.  It had a face somewhere in between a human and an animal.  With human lips, that were black matching the short fur on the face, a nose that was half way between human and animal, and slightly slanted eyes with human pupils, the creature could be called nothing but a beast. 

   Itís lips were pulled back showing sharp canine teeth.  It had long fur covering the rest of itís body and pointed ears that were currently laid back.  A human shaped hand with claws swiped out towards her grabbing the locket.  Emi screamed again certain that the claws were going to hit her, she backed up, hitting into the table and fell to the ground.  The table and candles followed her, the candles sputtering out on the floor.       

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Twinns Moons 5 (696 words)
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2009, 10:16:03 PM »
Nori, another good segment. But I do have a few suggestions and/or spots you might want to look at again.


Emilia woke well into the morning.  The sun was already up and Emilia figured it was probably past breakfast.  She wondered why no one had (maybe just: woke her woken her.  Perhaps they had not wanted to disturb her.  Well it really didnít matter at this point.  Emi sat up and climbed out of bed.  She instantly not really needed; mentioning it as soon as she sits up shows the reader it was immediately noticed. noticed that the jacket was no longer on the table but draped over one of the chairs and on the table was a dish of fruit and a glass of grape juice.  Emi  picked up the glass.  It was still chilled.  She drank a gulp. Would she 'gulp' or would she take a long swallow? It was wonderful.  She plopped plopped sounds rather strange for someone you have lead up to believe is a young lady.down in the empty chair and dug into the fruit bowl.  It was just as good as dinner had been. 
   
Soon Emi had it all eaten and she found herself full. Emi had eaten all the fruit before she realized it and was feeling well satisfied She sighed as she looked at the jacket and remembered Remar.  Then she remembered that she would meet Jamar today and instantly her stomach tied into knots.  She got up and changed from her night shift into her best dress that was not an evening gown. There is nothing we know about her to lead us to believe she would choose and evening dress to wear in the morning. It was a pleasing purple that came to just below the knees and belled out slightly.  The sleeves were off the shoulder but it did not show any cleavage.  Then Emi sat down and waited for someone to come and get her. 

   An hour later when no one had come Emi decided that she was tired of waiting.  She got up and left her room.  There was no one in sight.  In fact there was no sign anyone had ever been here of anyone except for the fact that the everything was clean.  Immaculately clean.  Emilia picked a direction and started walking, but soon found herself lost.  She knew that she was heading basically west, from what she could tell but other than that she was lost.


Nori, I'll not go through the whole thing. Partly because I believe you are a good enough writer to see what needs tweaking and partly because I don't believe there are as mean spots that need attention in the rest of the peace.

And I have to admit, I am on the tired side just now and wouldn't want to make a mess of it.

All that said, please know that I still like the story and the way you tell it a lot. I'll look forward to the next section.

Smiles,
Alice
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