Author Topic: \\\  (Read 1353 times)

Offline Victor

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\\\
« on: January 05, 2009, 09:02:27 AM »
\\\
« Last Edit: September 04, 2010, 07:55:18 AM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline ma100

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Re: Coldie Shopping - Part 1 of 4
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2009, 10:05:24 AM »
Hi Infernal
Just had a quick look. You have a bit of a tense issue that you need to address
all through this piece. I use to do this but in the end I found past tense the easiest
to work with in story telling.

Good luck
Ma :)


Offline Imp-poster

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Re: Coldie Shopping - Part 1 of 4
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2009, 11:02:04 AM »
Ah i see i see i see.

Its cool. Dont realy know how to critic so ill try my best.

Was a bit weird reading a story that was all in 1 person. And for the first bit i was kind of confused as to what was happening. So to clarify this. When the main character speaks. And there is the paragraph below, is that the main character narrating. Or is it like some ominipresence thing giving the reader more info?

Would help to clarify so i know who's perspective im seeing things from.

Hope what im saying makes sense.
Time never waIts. So DanCe Wit Me. ReLax. BaSk In Som IdioCy

Offline silentwords

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Re: Coldie Shopping - Part 1 of 4 ADULT CONTENT
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2009, 05:50:17 PM »
Well I will definitely say that it caught my attention. Now I want to know what is behind the doors...

Offline Victor

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Re: Coldie Shopping - Part 1 of 4 ADULT CONTENT
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2009, 06:22:46 AM »
Well I will definitely say that it caught my attention. Now I want to know what is behind the doors...

here ya go:
2nd part

This link has been removed while the subject matter is being discussed by the Moderators. Thank you for understanding.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2009, 11:12:03 AM by Country4Gal »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Coldie Shopping - Part 1 of 4 ADULT CONTENT
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2009, 01:22:32 PM »
I think this is a very interesting idea, but the narration threw me off. Here's an example of what I mean:

Quote
You hear the rats scrambling for cover from the beams of our headlight.

The story is in first person, so this sentence made me double-back. It's in second person. If you are trying to make this the narrator's inner monologue, maybe you could change it to:  "You can hear the rats scrambling for cover from the beams of our headlight." Even then, I don't think it completely fixes the problem.

There is also another spot that jumped out to me. In this example, it does not sound like it is coming from the main character at all. It sounds like you, as the author, are jumping out and talking to the reader (there is a term for this, but I don't remember it). Here's the sentence:

Quote
If you are a gal, imagine sniffing at a heap of raw tunas rotting away in the sun. If you are a guy, imagine how your own jism smells like when itís dried up.

Besides the fact that the author is speaking, it almost comes across as condescending. I'm sure it's not intentional, but you are specifically separating what the guys and gals should be imagining. Is a "heap of raw tunas rotting away in the sun" not a good enough description? Is that why the guys need another one? Or do you assume that gals have no idea what "jism smells like when it's dried up"?

I hope you don't take my comments too personally; my only intention is to help. I think you have a great idea, and the writing just needs some editing.