Author Topic: Mental Blackout  (Read 954 times)

Inspired

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Mental Blackout
« on: December 28, 2008, 02:17:09 PM »
Im laying them on thick today right? :) Here is a poem I wrote while I was at work. I was in a really bad place mentally and this was the result. I dont really have any rhymes..its not going in any particular rhythm or pattern. Its almost...conversational. Please, tell me what you think...Thanks!

You can be so intellectual, yet know nothing at all when it counts the most.
To those on the outside...you can be so beautiful. But that simple adoration does nothing to combat the emptiness and self-contempt eating away at your soul.
Not one day passes by in your world, where someone doesn't point out your sweet and loving spirit. But the ones to which your heart and soul belong, seem to hate you the hardest.
You can appeal to the masses with your colorful semantics, intriguing conversations, and stimulating opinions...but that spoken allure stops cold when you converse with those with whom you need to be understood by the most.
Why?
Why is it that encouraging words, inspirational expressions and heartfelt, realistic advice will roll off your tongue like water on a swan's back...
But for yourself...for your own pain, heartache, and discontentment...
You have nothing. No words. No inspiration. No encouragement.

That consistent, trustworthy insight and wisdom is devestatingly replaced by uncertainty and confusion.

My heart is aching right now. My mind is cluttered and perplexed. My spirit is cheerless...

My soul is in turmoil hosting this internal battle between what is right and wrong...
what is genuine and false...
what is good and what is good for me.

How can one really be happy when this emotion comes with so many stipulations and requirements dependent on the consistency of another imperfect human being? How can one really make another person happy when who you are isn't accepted ...what you have to give isn't wanted...and what you are willing and trying to do isnt good enough?

I seem to be an asset to the lives of those who are affected by my literature.
I seem to be a liability to the lives of those who are affected by my literal existence.
Why?

Offline Hyperviper

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Re: Mental Blackout
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2008, 11:46:16 PM »
LOL. It sounds like a spoken-word piece. You're a very expressive woman. The structure here was annoying though. Try to cut the lines. It's rough reading it in that shape. Content was okay. I was feeling your other pieces more though. This needs a revision.

Offline Amie

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Re: Mental Blackout
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2008, 01:16:24 AM »
Hi there, welcome :)

Please note the posting guidelines: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=10400.0 - no more than one new poem per day, and please do not post any new poems if you already have three on the front page. I've deleted one of your poems that had not yet received any responses, as you had four on the front page.

As for this poem, it's more of a diary entry than a poem IMO. Which contemporary poets do you like?

I have no idea how long you've been writing, but this has a number of weaknesses common to new poetry writers - have a look at the sticky, particularly the sections on writer versus reader centred writing, abstractions, and generalisations: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0

Hope that helps :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Inspired

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Re: Mental Blackout
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2008, 09:16:20 AM »
LOL. It sounds like a spoken-word piece. You're a very expressive woman. The structure here was annoying though. Try to cut the lines. It's rough reading it in that shape. Content was okay. I was feeling your other pieces more though. This needs a revision.

It DOES sound like a spoken word piece. I see what you mean about cutting the lines...(still new at the poetry thing...) In this piece, I believe I allowed my discontentment at that time...and the overwhelming need to tell every little piece of what I was feeling, to overshadow  the structure of the poem.  I will revise this and get more opinions!

THANKS AND KEEP THEM COMING!

Inspired

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Re: Mental Blackout
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2008, 09:26:32 AM »
Sorry about the multiple posts, I defintely didnt mean to violate any guidelines. :) 

As for the poem, it does need a lot of work...came off more as spoken word (as another MWC family member pointed out)

As far as contemporary poets that I like...Maya Angelou, Rick St. James (can be a little long, but I like them), also RACHELLE DE BRETAGNE (a fav)

.

Hi there, welcome :)

Please note the posting guidelines: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=10400.0 - no more than one new poem per day, and please do not post any new poems if you already have three on the front page. I've deleted one of your poems that had not yet received any responses, as you had four on the front page.

As for this poem, it's more of a diary entry than a poem IMO. Which contemporary poets do you like?

I have no idea how long you've been writing, but this has a number of weaknesses common to new poetry writers - have a look at the sticky, particularly the sections on writer versus reader centred writing, abstractions, and generalisations: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0

Hope that helps :)