Author Topic: ~1~Random Chance Retrieving Faith  (Read 2045 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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~1~Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« on: December 17, 2008, 05:44:13 PM »
Random Chance Retrieving Faith

    Hitting the open road on a motorcycle seemed to offer peace from the ghosts that haunted Gary’s past. He lost his wife seven years ago. Since then he just went through the motions of having a normal everyday life. Gary was a hard man and when he lost Linda, he almost turned to stone, wrapping himself into his job. This suited his boss, as Gary was the head of security in a well-known casino in Las Vegas. If Gary locked eyes on someone caught cheating they would pray to God the cops would hurry up and arrive to whisk them off to jail just to get away from him.

     He never raised his voice; he never needed to, when he spoke people made tracks. “Yes sir,” and step to the ready or you answered to him. The same year he lost his wife a crew of cheats landed in his casino. Since Gary was the only thing between them and the door they decided they weren’t gonna wait around for the police. Three ambulances had to be called when the dust settled and Gary hardly raised a sweat.

     Every other year Gary’s boss gave him a healthy bonus and fired him for a month. He couldn’t stand to sit around his big empty house so he took a road trip to visit his little brother. Picking some northern route, he cruised the open road to South Carolina. They might run the coast to DC and back to Charleston before Gary would say his goodbyes and headed back to Vegas.

     When Gary built his Hog he knew he would be taking it on long trips so he chose a six-gallon tank to lengthen the distance between fuel and rest stops. After leaving his brother, Gary stopped at a diner to fill up and get a morning bite. Sitting alone in the booth while waiting for his eggs and hash browns to arrive he glanced out the window to see some girl begging for a ride with an old couple and then a trucker. Neither of them wanted anything to do with her. As she got closer to the window Gary used the detective skills he learned over the years to size up a person and the story behind their eyes they wouldn’t want to share with a stranger.

     She looked to be about twenty-five, tall, slender with shapely legs that seemed to go on forever. The new skintight denims and go-go boots made her look even taller than she was. Her puffy cashmere sweater did its best to hide the rest of her curves. The small gym-bag she wore over one shoulder and the way she kept looking around told Gary this girl was on the run.

     She came up on the walkway right outside the window so Gary could take a closer look at her. She was blond with about a three hundred dollar cut and style. All the high dollar rings and bracelets she wore told him she was no stranger to money. She had a ring on almost every finger except the one on her left hand. The one finger most guys look at first to make sure some mad husband won’t be putting a gun to the back of their head while trying to buy her a drink.

     Most guys would have stopped looking at her fingers the moment they saw she wasn’t taken but Gary was smarter than that. Being from Vegas he also noticed the pale white skin on that same finger. The red mark on her left cheek told Gary not only was her husband right handed but he had a temper. Any guy that hit a woman like this had to be nuts.

     When the last car pulled out of the parking lot she looked at Gary’s runner then through the glass straight at him. He hadn’t seen eyes that blue in years so when she headed around for the front door of the diner Gary hoped he was going the same direction she wanted to go.


« Last Edit: January 20, 2009, 07:19:28 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2008, 06:43:54 PM »
Hi Skip,

I am not the worlds best critique but I will give it a go. I like this story so far mate, its different to your others for sure.


Random Chance Retrieving Faith

    Hitting the open road on a motorcycle seemed to offer peace from the ghosts that haunting Gary’s past. He lost his wife seven years ago. Since then he just went through the motions of trying to have having a normal everyday life. Gary was a hard man, and when he lost Linda, he almost turned to stone, wrapping himself into his job. This suited his boss, as Gary was the head of security in a well-known casino in Las Vegas. If Gary locked eyes on someone caught cheating, they would pray to God the cops would hurry up and arrive to whisk them off to jail just to get away from him.

     He never raised his voice; he never needed to, when he spoke people made tracks. “Yes sir,” and step to the ready or you answered to him. The same year he lost his wife a crew of cheats landed in his casino. Since Gary was the only thing between them and the door they decided they weren’t gonna waiting around for the police. Three ambulances had needed? to be called, when the dust settled and Gary hardly raised a sweat.

     Every other year Gary’s boss gave him a healthy bonus and fired him for a month. He couldn’t stand to sit around his big empty house so he took a road trip to visit his little brother. Picking some northern route, he cruised the open road to South Carolina. They might run the coast to DC and back to Charleston before Gary would say his goodbyes and heading back to Vegas.

     When Gary built his Hog he knew knowing he would be taking it on long trips, so he chose a six-gallon tank to lengthen the distance between fuel and rest stops. After leaving his brother, Gary stopped at a diner to fill up and get a morning bite. Sitting alone in the booth while waiting for his eggs and hash browns to arrive be served, he glanced out the window to see some a young? girl begging for a ride with an old couple and then a trucker. Neither of them wanted anything to do with her. As she got walked closer to the window, Gary used the detective skills he learned over the years to size up a person. and The story behind their eyes they wouldn’t want to  never want shared with a stranger.

     She looked to be about twenty-five, tall, slender with shapely legs that seemed to go on forever. The new skintight denims and go-go boots made her look even taller than she was. Her puffy cashmere sweater did its best to hide the rest of her curves. The small gym-bag she wore over one shoulder and the way she kept looking her eyes darted around, told Gary this girl was on the run.

     She came up on the walkway right outside the window so allowing Gary could take a closer look at her. She was blond with about a three hundred dollar cut and style. All the high dollar rings and bracelets she wore told him she was no stranger to money. She had a ring on adorning almost every finger except the one on her left hand. The one finger most guys look at first to make sure some mad husband won’t be putting a gun to the back of their head while trying to buy her a drink.

     Most guys would have stopped looking at her fingers the moment they saw she wasn’t taken but Gary was smarter than that. Being from Vegas he also noticed the pale white skin on that same finger. The red mark on her left cheek told Gary not only was her husband right handed but he had a temper. Any guy that hitting a woman like this had to be nuts.

     When the last car pulled out of the parking lot she looked at Gary’s runner then through the glass straight at him. He hadn’t seen eyes that blue in years so when she headed around for the front door of the diner, Gary hoped he was going in the same direction she wanted to go.


I hope this helps Skip, I am not real good at this so maybe someone else will see things I couldn't or correct the wrong things I thought needed changing.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

We are both only learners mate thats for sure.  ;)
« Last Edit: December 17, 2008, 07:25:15 PM by fire-fly »
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Offline sgale

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2008, 07:14:52 PM »
Hey skip. New to the site and to critiquing, but a couple things jumped out.

Is it really necessary for the reader to know about the wife?  Doesn't seem relevant, at least not yet.  If this is the start of a longer story or is a first chapter, would keep background info till later.  Probably very important to understanding the character, but could develop it more slowly.

Actually, the part about him being a vegas guard could wait too.  You could start the story with him waiting for his food in the diner and seeing the girl, then flesh out the back story after.

Draws you in, makes you want to know more about him.  Liked it alot.

Shirie

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2008, 07:41:57 PM »
Okay here is an edited version, I concidered adding more about his wife but i didn't want info overload. as he compares Faith to his wife the back story will come out. Thank you, whee haw it reads even smoother now.

Random Chance Retrieving Faith

    Hitting the open road on a motorcycle seemed to offer peace from the ghosts haunting Gary’s past. He lost his wife seven years ago. Since then he went through the motions trying have a normal everyday life. Gary was a hard man, when he lost Linda, he almost turned to stone, wrapping himself into his job. This suited his boss, Gary was the head of security in a well-known casino in Las Vegas. If Gary locked eyes on someone cheating, they would pray to God the cops would hurry up and arrive to whisk them off to jail just to get away from him.

     He never raised his voice; he never needed to, when he spoke people made tracks. “Yes sir,” and step to the ready or you answered to him. The same year he lost his wife a crew of cheats landed in his casino. Since Gary was the only thing between them and the door they decided the weren’t waiting around for the police. Three ambulances needed to be called, when the dust settled Gary hardly raised a sweat.

     Every other year Gary’s boss gave him a healthy bonus and fired him for a month. He couldn’t stand to sit around his big empty house so he took a road trip to visit his little brother. Picking some northern route, he cruised the open road to South Carolina. They might run the coast to DC and back to Charleston before Gary would say his goodbyes heading back to Vegas.

     When Gary built his Hog, knowing he would be taking it on long trips, so he chose a six-gallon tank to lengthen the distance between fuel and rest stops. After leaving his brother, Gary stopped at a diner to fill up and get a morning bite. Sitting alone in the booth while waiting for his eggs and hash browns to be served he glanced out the window to see a young girl begging for a ride with an old couple and then a trucker. Neither of them wanted anything to do with her. As she walked closer to the window, Gary used the detective skills he learned over the years to size up a person. To see the story behind their eyes they never want to shared with a stranger.

     She looked to be about twenty-five, tall, slender with shapely legs that seemed to go on forever. The new skintight denims and go-go boots made her look taller than she was. Her puffy cashmere sweater did its best to hide the rest of her curves. The small gym-bag she wore over one shoulder and the way her eyes darted around, told Gary this girl was on the run.

     She came up the walkway right outside the window allowing Gary a closer. She was blond with a three hundred dollar cut and style. All the high dollar rings and bracelets she wore told him she was no stranger to money. She had a ring adorning almost every finger except the one on her left hand. The one finger most guys look at to make sure some mad husband won’t be putting a gun to the back of their head while trying to buy her a drink.

     Most guys would have stopped looking at her fingers the moment they saw she wasn’t taken but Gary was smarter than that. Being from Vegas he also noticed the pale white skin on that same finger. The red mark on her left cheek told Gary not only was her husband right handed but he had a temper. Any guy hitting a woman like this had to be nuts.

     When the last car pulled out of the parking lot she looked at Gary’s runner then through the glass straight at him. He hadn’t seen eyes that blue in years so when she headed for the front door of the diner, Gary hoped he was going in the direction she wanted to go.


« Last Edit: December 17, 2008, 07:55:31 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline ma100

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2008, 09:35:55 PM »
I am not good at this critting lark as you know mate but here is my suggestions for what it's worth. Hope they help. :)


Hitting the open road on a motorcycle seemed to offer peace from the ghosts that haunted Gary's past. He lost his wife seven years ago. Since then he just went through the motions of having a normal everyday life. Gary was a hard man and when he lost Linda, he almost turned to stone, wrapping himself into his job. This suited his boss, as Gary was the head of security in a well-known casino in Las Vegas. If Gary locked eyes on someone caught cheating they would pray to God the cops would hurry up and arrive to whisk them off to jail just to get away from him.

Okay this is back story that could be dribbled into the story further on if need be.

He never raised his voice; he never needed to, when he spoke people made tracks. ' Yes sir,' and step to the ready or you answered to him. The same year he lost his wife a crew of cheats landed in his casino. Since Gary was the only thing between them and the door they decided they weren't gonna wait around for the police. Three ambulances had to be called when the dust settled and Gary hardly raised a sweat.

Now this bit could be shown quite effectively if Gary gets into trouble in your story.

Every other year Gary's boss gave him a healthy bonus and fired him for a month. He couldn't stand to sit around his big empty house so he took a road trip to visit his little brother. Picking some northern route, he cruised the open road to South Carolina. They might run the coast to DC and back to Charleston before Gary would say his goodbyes and headed back to Vegas.

This bit doesn’t push your story forward mate and the brother doesn’t seem to have a major part to play.


When Gary built his Hog he knew he would be taking it on long trips so he chose a six-gallon tank to lengthen the distance between fuel and rest stops. After leaving his brother, Gary stopped at a diner to fill up and get a morning bite. Sitting alone in the booth while waiting for his eggs and hash browns to arrive he glanced out the window to see some girl begging for a ride with an old couple and then a trucker. Neither of them wanted anything to do with her. As she got closer to the window Gary used the detective skills he learned over the years to size up a person and the story behind their eyes they wouldn't want to share with a stranger. Gary may have these skills mate but the reader doesn't so you have to show it through Gary's eyes


Okay this is a suggestion to start your story here. I have tried to use as many of your words as I can

When Gary built his Hog he chose a six-gallon tank to lengthen the distance between fuel and rest stops. The open road, with (however big the bike is) thundering between his legs, was a good form of distraction from his ghosts. Up ahead a diner with a neon sign attracted his attention. Uhm! I could do with some hash browns and eggs, he thought.

From a window seat Gary watched a young girl pester an old couple. The old man shooed her away with a wave of his hand. She bounded over to a trucker as he climbed into his cab, but got the same response.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2008, 02:31:46 PM »
Ive written a bit more on this story and will continue to repair any flaws you guys help me find.
Its posted with the link below:
http://skipslocum.wordpress.com/random-chance-retrieving-faith/

Trying to play this story straight, not a "hi my name is ____ lets kiss and play."

Offline dedelite

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2008, 05:49:06 PM »
Skip,

I like the story line. You have to keep the part about the wife first because then we know why the man is so hardened. His job plays a big part also. It takes a man like that to perform the duties of secureity in a casino. There is no one to care about nor hold him back. At this point his heart is dead to emotion. When that shows in someone's eyes you do look the other way, their eyes are dead and it is very disconcerting. The motorcycle just shows the edge of where he is at this moment. He wants the open air, speed, and horsepower to be free, because that is the only time he feels free. Or perhaps the only time he feels.

Keep on it.

dedelite

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Random Chance Retrieving Faith
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2008, 08:04:32 PM »
Thank you dedelite, thats exactly what i thought when i wrote it, we use to call it "the thousand yard stare" >:(

Well thats two of us thinking alike, ha  ;D