Author Topic: Not a curse (slightly offensive)  (Read 3120 times)

Offline Browne

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Not a curse (slightly offensive)
« on: September 21, 2008, 06:27:24 AM »
From darkness a dog barks and  a man CURSES.

                                                 MAN'S VOICE
                                   Damn it! Now who the hell...I've
                                   got it!Me thinks some scum-shit
                                   has got here before us. Line up
                                   my rifle for me I gotta check it out
                                   only hope the Feds keep their distance-
                                   this'a a purely non-federal aff...yeah!
                                   Good boy!Good jus' some slight



The lights are on. A pretty 30-YR-OLD WOMAN HALEY is lying on the king-sized bed in a tight fetal position, hugging a pillow to her chest. She APPEARS to be asleep.

                                                    MAN'S VOICE
                                       Everything looks fine.My only worry is
                                       was the Feds propaganda convincing
                                       enough to force Tails to make an
                                       appearance here to dispatch the girl
                                       cuz she's the only one with incriminating
                                       info about him-jus' hope he falls for the bait.

The door opens and a MIDDLE-AGED man, STEVE slips into the room. He has a small package wrapped with red ribbons under his left arm and in his right hand he clutches a bunch of flowers. He shuts the door, walks to the side of the bed. He lays the flowers nest to a phone which is on the bedside table, smells the flowers and lays them beside the package then laying his hand on Haley's temple runs his fingers down the side of her face-to her chin and stoops down to kiss her.

The sound of a car engine FADES IN

Steve straightens abruptly, walks over to the open window overlooking a drive-way.He PEERS into the darkness and CURSES, slamming his hand against the wall when he SEES:


A car pulls up on the drive-way. The headlights are switched off. The driver's door is flung open and the driver a young man, SIMMON'S steps out of the car. He yawns then reaching back pulls the left back door open-

A tall heavily-built man, HICKS steps out of the car. He's dressed entirely in black: black pants, black shirt, black shades and a black overcoat which tapers off on its backside to a narrow strip of cloth which dangles over his rear-end like a tail. He wears a sour expression on his face. 

Hicks grabs Simmon's tie-pulls him closer and lifting one hand lays one finger under his chin, forcing his head back.

                                        If any of this leaks out or should you
                                        grow cold feet and blabber when shit is
                                        discovered I'll track you down and finish
                                        you off. Now get lost.

Hicks shoves Simmons aside, heads for the front door.

Simmons holds up his middle finger at Hicks. He glances over his shoulder and Simmons turns about quickly then pulling the car's front door open scrambles into the car-starts the engine and as the car leaves the drive-way we TILT UP to catch:


Steve moves away from the window real fast, walks over to the bed-side table and grabbing up the phone dials a number but NOTICING an unopened bottle of wine lying on the floor grabs it up and slamming the phone back on its cradle walks to door-pulls it open

A punch connects to Steve's face with a vicious impact. The bottle flies out of his hand, strikes the the edge of the bed-side table and EXPLODES, showering Haley with glass splinters and wine. She uncurls swiftly rolls onto her belly: her back-side a bloody mess.

Steve staggers back and slipping on the mess on the floor falls back his torso slapping against onto the bed-side table. He rolls off lands on the broken pieces of glass with a YELL.

Hicks steps into the room, shuts the door behind him.He adjusts his glasses and pulling aside his overcoat pulls out a HK-45 pistol tucked into a hip-holster. He fixes a silencer on it then raising the gun points it at Haley.

                                                         MAN'S VOICE
                                       Time to taste some lead Tails-

A bullet SLAMS into Hick's shoulder throwing him back against the door. He staggers     
two steps forward and drops onto one knee. A second bullet RIPS through his neck knocking him onto his side. He lies still for a beat but lifting his head off the floor drags himself forward and propping himself on one elbow lifts the gun-

                  {The rest of this excerpt has been omitted because of the explicit nature of its content}

Before I say anything about he above excerpt, hit me with some feedback.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2008, 06:37:13 AM by Triplebad »

Offline Sasha6

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Re: Not a curse (slightly offensive)
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2008, 12:17:28 AM »
Very intense. I like the discription you have in this when it comes to the action, but I like having everything in front of me to make a picture. I've been told that when you write a script of any kind not to worry about explicit details in actions unless they're very important. The blocking and such is the director's and the actor's job. When they have the set there and are actually seeing the scene unfold they will find what looks the best when it comes to action. I hate that because when I write something I have the exact picture in my head, but I'm in theatre and I am an actress and wouldn't mind trying directing so I can kind of see it from both sides. So that's my first piece of advice.

I have a question. There was just a tiny thing that stuck out to me. In the beginning when the man's voice says, "Me thinks" didn't sit well with me. It just didn't sound right with the rest of the way he was talking. What it looked like was that he had normal speech like most of us talk, kind of lazy, and the "me thinks" just isn't something that you hear people regulalry say like, "cuz".

Hope that helps a bit. I like the action. Oh, and one more thing, was Haley asleep and woke up? What exactly is happening with her? She rolls onto her stomach, for protection? Would she try to sit up first but finding it painful roll a different way? I don't know...I guess it's my need of detail that I need to know what type of state she is in. Awake, knock out, you know.

Good luck!

My significant other is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from self-obsession and multiple personalities.