Author Topic: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?  (Read 1148 times)

Offline eurisa

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a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« on: December 07, 2008, 01:22:23 PM »
I opened my eyes… Thoughts were racing in my head. I couldn’t focus on just one thought. There were too many. It was like a psychedelic lake of thoughts. Nothing mattered, but at the same time, everything mattered. How is it possible… how can beauty vanish in such a quick second… how can you lie to the people you love most? We all start out as innocent creatures right? So… then what happens? Why do we allow ourselves to be brought up in guilt, shame, recklessness… how?  How do we abandon all the good things in life that make us happy and that teach us that maybe there is something to look forward to after all… It makes me wonder: Are my everyday dreams telling me something? Are they telling me that maybe… maybe I’ll for once be happy or spend my whole life in search of something that could… or… MIGHT make me happy. I don’t know yet. I know nothing of life. I know nothing about anyone, anything, not even myself.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2008, 01:43:45 PM »
It was like a psychedelic lake of thoughts.

I really like the sentence above Eurisa. Very descriptive without going over board.

Is this piece a part of something longer, a story perhaps?

It would be nice to know if it is a piece of something else or simply a stand-alone piece.

I have only one small nit-picking thing.

 So… then what happens?

I believe this would flow smoother as "what happens then?"

As I said, it's nit-picking. Others might well like the way it is now.
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Re: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2008, 01:44:22 PM »
Well as you stated, it is only a paragraph.
It seems a bit cryptic. Since only you can push this forward, I say now that you have the engine started, drop it in drive and show us where you want to point this tale and let's get to racing. ;D
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Offline eurisa

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Re: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2008, 01:48:42 PM »
it's only a paragraph... maybe later it will be more... not sure yet. thanks for your comments :)

Offline GMack

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Re: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2008, 04:02:00 PM »
Thought-provoking. I agree with the others that it's a little difficult to offer an opinion without some form of context. If it's autobiographical, perhaps the opening to a memoir, feedback would be entirely different than if it were the introspective portion of a piece of fiction. As I read it there is a clear mood. The narrator is very unhappy. So then I start thinking of context. Perhaps this person was just told of a terrible loss and he or she is reflecting back on the hopelessness of life. Perhaps they just watched the evening news. Will this person turn this anguish into action, or pack it in? So I'm curious where you might take this.

Offline bee_bum_you

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Re: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2008, 06:17:12 AM »
If this is stream of consciousness (that's what it seems like) then I can't really critique it. It's thought provoking but it has no context. What's going on? Tell a little about that and you'll be on your way.

Lin

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Re: a small paragraph... needing an honest opinion?
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2008, 08:38:47 AM »
I will read the rest of this soon, but one very small point I picked up on

Thoughts were racing in my head.

I see a lot of this phrase written down these days - Im not sure if you would like to change it in some way - just a suggestion maybe a bit cliche'.  So is "My mind was in turmoil'.    I love to make phrases my own and yet be direct. 

Lin x