Author Topic: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)  (Read 6468 times)

Nelodra

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Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« on: November 28, 2008, 10:17:32 AM »
Well, my friends, I'd aprreciate some feedback on this little piece of prose.
It's the beginning of Chapter 13 (or 26, that depends), so we're quite a ways into the book. Neil and Murad are two different names for the same guy. Confusing, unless you know the whole story...

Anyway, I'm unsure a bout a few little things. Vocabulary being one. The sexual references. Does it sound right? And how's the English when we're at it? (Remember, English is not my native language, so I bet I make the odd mistake from time to time.)



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« Last Edit: February 16, 2009, 04:26:13 PM by Nelodra »

skip slocum

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2008, 10:29:55 AM »
I didn't have any problems following this at all. Even though we come into this at chapter 13 or 26 ha,,it still explained enough.
good for you,
Skip

Nelodra

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2008, 10:36:17 AM »
Thanks, Skip.  :)

How about the choice of words?
Am I not being too... well, I don't know... explicit? Crude?

I mean, the guy's a priest. (A priest of a made-up religion, BTW, but a priest all the same.)

skip slocum

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2008, 10:50:21 AM »
not at all it is a very complex piece, as each personality might as well be a different character with the added burden of keeping the reader on track.

as far as the language, I have written love scenes that i thought were way too graphic for posting only to read them a bit later realizing they were taimer than i first thought when my blood cooled,ha

IMO it is fine and reads clear. others might choose to use other words to write this scene but you wrote it no one else.

if you are going to take this story to print you will need to read and improve it a thousand times.
TTFN
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Nelodra

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2008, 10:52:10 AM »
not at all it is a very complex piece, as each personality might as well be a different character with the added burden of keeping the reader on track.

as far as the language, I have written love scenes that i thought were way too graphic for posting only to read them a bit later realizing they were taimer than i first thought when my blood cooled,ha

IMO it is fine and reads clear. others might choose to use other words to write this scene but you wrote it no one else.

if you are going to take this story to print you will need to read and improve it a thousand times.
TTFN
Skip

Only a thousand times?  ;)

Offline Hallam Foe

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2008, 11:15:37 AM »
Ye this is the best piece i've read on this site so far. I like it. Intriguing characters, complex relationships and a well structured narrative. Very well written.

Im interested to know, how old is Neil/Murad? He keeps being referred to as "boy" and "lad" but i assume thats just coz its his uncle addressing him? Is he the same age as Cordelia? Also, the fact he threw up when he saw her naked and blushes when he thinks about it makes me think hes younger than her. Cud add another dynamic to the dramatic conflict if theres an age gap. Good stuff.

One thing tho, I did find the phrase "Otherwise he could just as well go and have a wank" rather crude. In fact it made me laugh out loud, which is good if that was ur intention. But i dont find it in keeping with the tone of the rest of the story.

Maybe masturbate, or pleasure himself?

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2008, 11:28:43 AM »
Nelodra, first, I would never have guessed English wasn't your first language if you hadn't told us. Actually, your English is probably better than mine.

Plus, I think you handled the sexual references very well. Nothing left me in doubt as to what was happening, neither did it offend in any way.

The part below contains the only bits that jarred with me. They didn't shake me out of the story, But I think they could be worded a little better for an easier flow.

I hope this is of some help, but remember, it is only my opinion.

He stood still, put a hand on his stomach as the memory of her undressing in front of him imposed itself on him again.the 'hand on his stomach' didn't 'feel' right to me. I could imagine him moving to the pond for an excuse to hide any physical reaction his body might have with the memory of her body being visualized though. Her beautiful body. Her fear stricken face. It was unbearable. How could he ever tell his uncle? But he had to, he didn’t want him to find out the way he himself had.

“She, uh… she’s a school aged girl. I don’t know her name yet. She talks very little. I think she’s too scared and too hurt. You have to watch out for her. She’s the alter that dealt with the sexual abuse. To date she’s already undressed in front of me and offered me her body twice.”

“That must be hard for you to deal with, Murad.”
He felt his great granduncle’s hand on his shoulder.  
I can't remember ever hearing anyone refer to an aunt or uncle, more than one generation removed as other than "great uncle" unless there is a real need to specify the number of generations seperating them.

“I threw up the first time it happened.” He shrugged. I found him throwing up a little hard to imagine, especally after learning it's his wife he is talking about. I can easily understand him being upset and even feeling sick at the sight of a young girl in possession of her body at the moment, undressing in this manner. It's the throwing up that bugs me.
“There isn’t much I can do about it though, is there? I can only pick up her clothes and help her get dressed again. Reassure her and show her I’m not like those other men.”

“Even so, Murad,” uncle Nushad said softly, “even so. How are you going to be able to deal with this behaviour in the long run? She may think she’s a little girl when she’s doing that – and a very disturbed little girl, too, if you don’t mind my saying so – but what you see is a grown up woman. The woman you love. Naked, and literally asking you to take possession of her.”



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Nelodra

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2008, 11:33:17 AM »
Ye this is the best piece i've read on this site so far. I like it. Intriguing characters, complex relationships and a well structured narrative. Very well written.

Im interested to know, how old is Neil/Murad? He keeps being referred to as "boy" and "lad" but i assume thats just coz its his uncle addressing him? Is he the same age as Cordelia? Also, the fact he threw up when he saw her naked and blushes when he thinks about it makes me think hes younger than her. Cud add another dynamic to the dramatic conflict if theres an age gap. Good stuff.

One thing tho, I did find the phrase "Otherwise he could just as well go and have a wank" rather crude. In fact it made me laugh out loud, which is good if that was ur intention. But i dont find it in keeping with the tone of the rest of the story.

Maybe masturbate, or pleasure himself?

Thanks Hallam.

The "go and wank himself" was exactly one of the phrases I was concerned about, so I'm glad you picked that one out for me. He's annoyed there (with himself, and with life in general) so I do want a strong word - but definitely not something that will make people laugh. I'll have to rethink it.

Neil/Murad is actually a bit older than Cordelia. He's been married for six years and has just gone through a painful divorce. He blushes, because he feels it's wrong to think about her this way, when he's not even married to her yet - and she's still so vulnerable because of what happened to her in the past.

Oh, and he threw up the first time she undressed, not because he saw her naked, but because he understood what made her do that. Seven- or eight year old girls don't usually undress in front of grown up men to offer them their "services" - and this was Cordelia's 7- or 8-year old alter doing this.

Neil's uncle (actually his great granduncle) is one of very few people who can call him "my boy" without offending him. There's a whole story behind that, too.

Nelodra

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2008, 11:46:45 AM »
Nelodra, first, I would never have guessed English wasn't your first language if you hadn't told us. Actually, your English is probably better than mine.

Plus, I think you handled the sexual references very well. Nothing left me in doubt as to what was happening, neither did it offend in any way.

Thanks Alice.  :)

Quote
He stood still, put a hand on his stomach as the memory of her undressing in front of him imposed itself on him again.the 'hand on his stomach' didn't 'feel' right to me. I could imagine him moving to the pond for an excuse to hide any physical reaction his body might have with the memory of her body being visualized though.

Hmmm. I'll take that in consideration.

Quote
I can't remember ever hearing anyone refer to an aunt or uncle, more than one generation removed as other than "great uncle" unless there is a real need to specify the number of generations seperating them.

So I could actually just put great uncle there?
That would definitely make for easier reading. I found it bothersome and had been hoping there was some other way to put it.

Quote
“I threw up the first time it happened.” He shrugged. I found him throwing up a little hard to imagine, especally after learning it's his wife he is talking about. I can easily understand him being upset and even feeling sick at the sight of a young girl in possession of her body at the moment, undressing in this manner. It's the throwing up that bugs me.

She's not actually his wife yet.
He's been married, but went through a divorce recently - hence the celibacy.
He's also had a very traumatic childhood, and plummeted into a deep depression after his divorce. He's only just recovered from that, but he's still easily upset right now. Does that make the throwing up easier to imagine?

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2008, 11:58:09 AM »
He's also had a very traumatic childhood, and plummeted into a deep depression after his divorce. He's only just recovered from that, but he's still easily upset right now. Does that make the throwing up easier to imagine?

Yes, to an extent.

But I hasten to add that my own physical reaction under any extremely upsetting situation may be coloring my view of 'throwing up' also.

I can imagine feeling the need to throw up without much trouble, it's the actual act of doing so I have a bit of trouble with. But again, I'm one of those who rarely throw up even when sick, unless the sickness is sever. So it may just be me.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Nelodra

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2008, 12:04:47 PM »
But I hasten to add that my own physical reaction under any extremely upsetting situation may be coloring my view of 'throwing up' also.

I can imagine feeling the need to throw up without much trouble, it's the actual act of doing so I have a bit of trouble with. But again, I'm one of those who rarely throw up even when sick, unless the sickness is sever. So it may just be me.

I'm like that myself. I never throw up, no matter how sick I am. Sick as a monkey and still unable to throw up.
My hubby, he throws up easily, and yet I'm always taken by surprise again whenever it happens.

You know those sterotypes: Women cry and throw up, men don't. In my family it's exactly the opposite - and it reflects in my writing, I guess.  ;)

Offline Hallam Foe

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2008, 12:54:18 PM »
Its not just the throwing up that doesnt fit for me.

I understand that ur main character had a difficult childhood, suffered a divorce and is struggling to cope with depression......but im finding his behaviour a bit bizarre.

U'd think suffering all this tramua would hav made him stronger and more resilient, yet he vomits at the thought of child prostitution and blushes when confronting his own imagination. Adult males, with all the experience and mentality that entails, just dont do this.

His speech displays a huge amout of hesitancy, tho understandable under the circumstances TO AN EXTENT, implies a severe lack of assurance and confidence. Almost as tho he his speaking to people he considers his superiors, much like a child to an adult.

But stuff like "Please, Uncle Nushad, please, stop it!", just doesnt sound like any man ive ever heard. Not in the situation u hav written.

Its almost as tho he has some deficiency or disorder resulting in a reduced mental age and capability.

Maybe no one else finds this the case at all. Just my opinion

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2008, 01:27:22 PM »
His speech displays a huge amout of hesitancy, tho understandable under the circumstances TO AN EXTENT, implies a severe lack of assurance and confidence. Almost as tho he his speaking to people he considers his superiors, much like a child to an adult.

Hallem and by extension, Nelodra, I didn't feel that way at all in the way he spoke to his great uncle. It made me feel that the great uncle was someone he looked up to as a respected member of his family, but also a mentor of sorts.

Again, just my thoughts on the matter.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Hallam Foe

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2008, 02:13:34 PM »
I agree. It does seem like he considers his great uncle a mentor and someone whom he has a geat deal of respect for.

Nevertheless, he sounds like a child. Surely everyone, well most people, consider the older members of their family as mentors, and respect and love them. But that doesnt account for the way he is speaking.

Nelodra

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Re: Disturbing stuff, some sexual references (708 words)
« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2008, 03:08:56 PM »
Some things are culturally determined. Partly at least. What's considered hesitancy in one culture, might be defined as reverence in another culture. There's both hesitancy and reverence here.

Maybe the "Please, Uncle Nushad, please, stop it!" is too much. I'll have another look at that.

Alice, Nushad was Neil's mentor long before they found out they were actually related by blood. You definitely hit the nail on the head there.

Neil actually never shows this part of himself to anyone, except to Nushad. Usually, he shows his strong self. The priest, who serves his goddess and helps others, but even he can't always be strong. In a way, yes, he does sound like a child here. He fells like one too, I'm sure. Soon, he'll have to be the Strong One again...

I know some emotionally stable and healthy men who aren't afraid to show the child in themselves in extreme situations. It doesn't seem all that strange to me.