Author Topic: Jamming 2 [Warning]  (Read 1083 times)

Offline thatollie

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Jamming 2 [Warning]
« on: December 03, 2008, 03:56:19 AM »
Ok, so I was delirious with fever for the past few days, does this make any sense?
= = =


There was a poem here,
I swear.
But I couldn't find a seat
and forgot it.
So I'll make something up.

Biscuit, bussit, chussit, chunky.
Why not try and spank the monkey?

Chilly Willy, Chally Dally,
Have you been to Delta Valley?

Ingle Dingle Dongle do,
I'm stuck in a portaloo,
which reminds me.

Never trust the french.
Everything they say
sounds like an advert
for Pringles.

Once you pop,
you just can't stop,
until it's not the top
that'll pop,
but you, but you.
Stay away from the tube.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Mark H

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Re: Jamming 2 [Warning]
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2008, 04:40:46 AM »
No it doesn't make any sense. Is it supposed to?

I don't like all the sing songy made up wordsy bitsy.

But there a few bits I really like. I know it is one of the 2 deadly sins to re-write but ... this is more pruning than re-writing.

There was something
I had to tell you.
But I can't find a seat
and now I've forgotten what it was.

I'll make something up.

Never trust the French.
Everything they say
sounds like an advert
for Pringles.

Stay away from the tube man.


Based on your title my rev probably destroys what you had in mind when you wrote it. Sorry but those really good bits are too good to waste amongst the clutter.

M
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
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If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline thatollie

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Re: Jamming 2 [Warning]
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2008, 05:23:55 AM »
No it doesn't make any sense. Is it supposed to?

I don't like all the sing songy made up wordsy bitsy.

But there a few bits I really like. I know it is one of the 2 deadly sins to re-write but ... this is more pruning than re-writing.

There was something
I had to tell you.
But I can't find a seat
and now I've forgotten what it was.

I'll make something up.

Never trust the French.
Everything they say
sounds like an advert
for Pringles.

Stay away from the tube man.


Based on your title my rev probably destroys what you had in mind when you wrote it. Sorry but those really good bits are too good to waste amongst the clutter.

M
I see where you're going with this, and I'm really digging it.

I'm taking this back to the notepad.
Never make a decision standing up.