Author Topic: It ends inside  (Read 1807 times)

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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It ends inside
« on: November 25, 2008, 06:15:52 AM »
The words I saw
Hidden from me, "supposedly"
I knew what it meant:
The end. For me.

You are my past
my memories are you
Our baby now binds us
what sort of view?
my life must take
It's not mine you see.
It's yours as well

You've ruined me
Those words I see
They're not from me
From a stranger whose pictures
They sicken me.

You stupid, arrogant
foolish man
My memories are tainted
with a presence of mind
that won't take me through

Not in the long term
I hesitate to say
But inside me, the end -
It's not far away

Perhaps in reality
You think I'm sound
But my mind is awash with
hatred - no bounds

So I will continue
for the sake of our One
The only One
No more can I bear
Both the pain and the fear
Physical with emotion
entwined as that one

It ends. For me at least.
Inside.

Offline LovelyLucretia

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Re: It ends inside
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2008, 01:36:53 PM »
This was a beautiful poem, the way it's written is gorgeous...the way you weave the words together.  It has a real deep meaning, it sound very dark.  I hope everything is alright in your life.
Good luck!
Jubal Early: Where'd she go?

Simon Tam: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporally posessing a spaceship.  Don't look at me.

-Firefly

Offline soulem

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Re: It ends inside
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2008, 10:44:01 AM »
I really like what this poem is trying to say, very beautiful and heart felt. I have added my comments below.


The words I saw
Hidden from me, "supposedly" I don't think you need the punctuation on supposedly, it works without it.
I knew what it meant:
The end. For me.

You are my past
my memories are you
Our baby now binds us   I like this but think you should try and remove the rhyme. I don't think it works and it stands out from the rest of
what sort of view?            the poem.
my life must take
It's not mine you see.
It's yours as well

You've ruined me
Those words I see
They're not from me
From a stranger whose pictures
They sicken me.                      I would remove the word 'they'.

You stupid, arrogant
foolish man
My memories are tainted
with a presence of mind
that won't take me through

Not in the long term
I hesitate to say
But inside me, the end -
It's not far away

Perhaps in reality
You think I'm sound
But my mind is awash with
hatred - no bounds

So I will continue
for the sake of our One
The only One
No more can I bear
Both the pain and the fear
Physical with emotion
entwined as that one

It ends. For me at least.    I love this ending!
Inside.


"Live large, man
and Dream small"

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Re: It ends inside
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2008, 08:58:53 AM »
thank you both for your comments.  I did write it with specific thoughts in my mind. Your comments make good sense as well soulem, I agree with you on your points. Thank you lucretia, life is ok :)

Offline Jade

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Re: It ends inside
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2008, 07:13:31 AM »
What a beautiful baby!

I liked the poem, and I thought about it, you are blessed, not deprived.
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." ~Mohandas Gandhi