Author Topic: A snippet  (Read 3663 times)

Offline Gyppo

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A snippet
« on: November 21, 2008, 05:07:40 PM »
For some reason - contrary to usual - I've been tempted to post a section from my work in progress.  This is strictly first draft...

Gyppo

=====

        I scrambled down the slope to the farm as fast as I could, fighting through the snow which was past the top of my wellies.  I'd seen Ginny enter the barn earlier and a few minutes later that little bastard Toddy had slipped in through the door, after a cautious look around.  He wan't to be trusted with anything.

        The rabbit and pheasant bumping on my belt were a hinderance now, and I held my shotgun high to keep the barrel clear of the snow if I tumbled.

        The gloom inside defeated my eyes at first, after the harsh white outside, but then I saw them.  Ginny shoved back across the low wall of straw bales her eyes wild with fear and anger, trying to fight him off.

        Her eyes widened with shock as I walked up behind him and rammed the silencer into his back.

        "Get off!"  Then kicked him to one side because he didn't move fast enough.  A kick deep into the ribs, delivered with real intent.  He rolled away, whimpering as shock and fear clashed with lust.

        Ginny's exposed thighs were like two pale exclamation marks in the gloom and I looked away, uncomfortably aware of my own untimely and distinctly unwanted response.  I pointed the barrel at Toddy as Ginny scrabbled to cover herself, dragging her jeans back up.

        He stayed where he was, crazy blue eyes promising mayhem, but frozen by my unexpected arrival.

        "Did he hurt you?" 

        "No.  He never got a chance."

        "Sure?"  What happened in the next few minutes depended entirely on her answer.

        She looked at me as if she'd never seen me before, and for a few seconds I saw the revulsion and the need for revenge in her deep brown eyes.  Then she shook her head, as if clearing it, and repeated her denial.

        "Then you'd best go back indoors, Dear Girl, while I have a word with our uncouth guest here.  No need to tell anyone what happened, unless you want to."

        She hesitated and then went.

        Toddy glared at me, slowly stood up, and walked forwards unti the silencer was against his chest.

        "Go on then."  Surprising defiance.  Injured pride fighting to reassert itself.

        I said nothing, but just felt cold, bone deep cold that had nothing to do with the weather.  Felt the first faint tremble of the beserk killing rage which I'd thought was well under control.

        Toddy felt it too.  Felt it and misunderstood. His crazy grin widened.

        "You can't, can you?"

        I waited until his eyes showed his absolute certainty.  Then I pulled the trigger.

        ***
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Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2008, 07:04:42 PM »
Gyppo, have I ever mentioned the fact that I think you should be a writer?

If not me, I'm glad you decided to do it anyway.

Good reading.
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Offline Gyppo

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2008, 07:30:42 PM »
Yes, one of these days I'm going to take it seriously ;-) 
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Don

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2008, 07:52:11 PM »
Quote
Yes, one of these days I'm going to take it seriously...

I think you should.  Great read and thanks for breaking with tradition to share this.
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline thatollie

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2008, 08:04:03 PM »
A no nonsense piece, and damn enjoyable.
Slicker than I though possible for a first draft.

Never make a decision standing up.

Offline ma100

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2008, 08:10:10 PM »
I'd be happy if my final drafts looked like this Gyp. Looking forward to reading more?

Offline fire-fly

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2008, 06:29:04 AM »
Thanks Gyp, loved it and have the taste for more.  ;D
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline Spell Chick

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2008, 10:38:25 AM »
Gyp, you are a scary man. That last line chilled me.
Great release.
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

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Offline Gyppo

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2008, 10:54:17 AM »
Me?  Scary? 
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Spell Chick

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #9 on: November 22, 2008, 11:00:46 AM »
I would never stand in front of you with a gun held to my chest.
Unless it was heaving and partially revealed and I was certain I could redirect your attention.
ahem
Little Bits of History A short essay on something that happened on any day.

Imperfect Reason My thoughts, such as they are.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2008, 11:16:01 AM »
But the Toddy character is truly crazy.  You are displaying common sense, with a dash of Mills & Boon ;-)
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline davidleejones13

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2008, 03:06:26 PM »
great suspenseful story telling.
Loved it, loved it, loved it.

I admire your ability not to OVERtell a story...something I find hard to do.
This is a very interesting tale, now I am ready to find out the dark past the main character has with the girl. Way to leave it wide open, this has all the elements of a potential classic. Just anticipating the next few words....ONE MONTH EARLIER.... ;D ;)
Two thumbs up Gyppo.


Lee

Offline Gyppo

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #12 on: November 22, 2008, 03:48:03 PM »
In truth this was a mental flashback scene.  Most of the tale is set in the present time, about eighteen years on from the incident in the barn.

If you want to find out a little more about the main character - but not much, he's a private sort of fellow - he dropped into the 'Station Phoenix' thread a few days ago for a pint with his daughter when I took my eyes off him,.  I'm not planning on letting him have more holidays before the book is finished.  But who knows, sometimes these characters can be a rebellious.

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=17580.msg240973#msg240973

re overtelling.  The first novel I ever wrote was a huge sprawling thing with enough ideas in it for at least three books.  I also wrote one hell of a lot of short stories for 'top shelf' magazines for a few years, and you learn to get the story and the characters across with as few words as possible.  Some of that 'apprenticeship' still lingers.

But an overtold story can be trimmed as and where necessary.  Better to have a bulky first draft to work with than the mere skeleton of a story with no real meat.

Gyppo
« Last Edit: November 22, 2008, 03:52:32 PM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Jade

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #13 on: November 23, 2008, 08:47:24 AM »
A starving Oliver Twist, on his first day in the orphanage, finishes his meal in one gulp.  He goes back up to the line, holds out his bowl, and asks meekly "Please, sir, can I have some more?"

I like this snippet about as much as I like Charles Dickens.

And I am asking meekly...


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Offline Gyppo

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Re: A snippet
« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2008, 04:49:54 PM »
"More, Girl?  More?"

Sorry.  Not just yet, still too busy writing it.  I normally tend to hug my words to myself until they are finished.

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1