Warning Drama! Need big help.thx

[Slat3]

Hello , please excuse the long post .

If I break any rules . Sorry   

Okay I must say first off....I love this forum . I have been reading
some of the older more expierenced of the forum and I am looking
for some help.The start of the week I had a revelation that I was
going to write a film.

I had somehow convinced myself that I could write a film ( Since
I never stop babbling about films) so I adjusted myself and said I
would read some books and then start. So I read 2 books and
finish something yesterday.

This was wrote on final draft two days ago. Now some warnings.

1. I don't want to bore someone to death this is A DRAMA!!
2. I really don't have any idea what I am doing
3. I never was any good in school.

About the script

It is a drama set in Ireland back in the 1940's to 1960's
I only wrote the first part of the script the second
actually turn's into an action thriller. I am open to
all suggestions(and insults)

THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES FOR YOUR TIME!!!

Okay slight problem...I cant upload .fdr but I will
do something....

[Alice, a Country Gal]

Slat, it is customary to go to the Welcome page and introduce yourself when you join.

I'll try to come back later and read your drama. No time right now.

[ma100]

Hi Aidan
Well I have read it mate and I did to the end 

Okay to start with. If you have final draft. To keep the formatting save a copy of your script on notepad or equivalent using txt and format save option, Then copy and paste into your post. Sometimes it comes up really tiny so go back to your notepad and increase the font by at least 2 and re-copy and paste.

I think you are on the right track with your ms and the story but it needs some work. First of all You need to show what can be seen in view. As you introduce each character you must do a tiny bio of them and use capital letters for their name..

With your actions you can not describe thoughts or feelings only things that can be seen.

You will have to stop using this ?? !!!! and.........this. One of either mark and 3 dots maximum.

Check your dialogue for all the words by reading it back to yourself.

Now content Milton Keynes. You have a crowds in 1960. MK was a group of villages Bletcley town and Wolverton that was deignated a New town around 1960. Yes there was building going on. But there was no large office blocks. The largest town is Bletchley which consists of one street about 900 yards long.
There was a lot of building going on but it would have been in fields.Here is a link that may be able to give you some consistancy mate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_Keynes#Birth_of_a_.22New_City.22
As for crowds there would be fair amount about on market days but nothing like you imply on your story. Builders would have been housed in caravans on site as The villages just weren't big enough then. Hope that helps.

You need to use your spell checker and watch you write down the words that you had in your mind and make your fingers keep up.

I would try and post it Aidan as people are loathe to download because of obvious reasons.

Don't take this as negative we are all here to learn. My very first script piece was much worse I can assure you and my punctuation still sucks. But I will try and help as far as I can. Okay that is enough for now.

Good attempt
take care
Ma

[Alice, a Country Gal]

Okay slight problem...I cant upload .fdr but I will
do something....

As Ma said, Copy and Paste.  I would suggest pasting around 500 or 600 words per post (you can divide it up into as many post as you want) because more people are likely to read and comment on things that size.

Smiles,

[Slat3]

Okay thank you very much for your replies . Ma100 I really appreciate the effort you have put in for your reply.

What really hit me was "With your actions you can not describe thoughts or feelings only things that can be seen."
 
Just to be clear:

1. When I set up a scene I can only present an image as if I where a third person ?

2. If I want to bring across an emotion do I bring it through the dialogue?


Thank you for your time and effort in advance .   

[ma100]

INT. THE BAR. NIGHT

There are five stools beside a mahogany bar. Empty
glasses are to the right of MARY. A statue of Ace
Ventura to the left of JOHN. Mary is wiping away tears
from her face.

JOHN
You must marry Guy the gorilla.

Mary shakes her head then puts her hand over her face.

JOHN
You have to sweetheart or I will lose my legs.

MARY
I can't he's so...hairy.

Tears are streaming down her face and she runs towards
the toilet.

Hope that helps 

[Slat3]

Yes ma100 It has . Thank you !

[twisted wheel]

INT. EVENING,OLD COTTAGE,CORK,1955
Michael good looking 20 years old looks over at his at better looking younger brother of 19....Their father John O O'Leary is sitting on his favourite armchair next to the fire.......he has a grey hair and is smoking a pipe.....he has a puzzled look on his face.....

How do we know this is set in (A) Cork and (B) in 1955? It won't mean nothing to the viewer. the fashion will show us what decade but if you want to be specific I suggest you use a superimposition
MICHAEL should be in caps if this is the character's first introduction

Each paragraph that you write, you will have to analyse so that the viewer sees what you are writing. SHOWING and not TELLING is paramount in screenplay writing. The viewer does not get the chance to read your script so you have to show them with unique and dazzling visuals.

I would re-write the first para as follows:

INT. OLD COTTAGE - EVENING

SUPERIMPOSITION:
CORK, 1955

MICHAEL, good looking 20 year old looks enviously at his better looking younger brother.

Their father JOHN O'LEARY is sitting on his favourite armchair next to the fire. He has grey hair and is smoking a pipe. He looks puzzled.

[Stinger]

Haven't read your script yet but I noted a couple'o interesting thins on your introductory bit:

1. I don't want to bore someone to death this is A DRAMA!!
2. I really don't have any idea what I am doing
3. I never was any good in school.

Listen, if you are starting out I think your honesty will take you a long way, I notice that you have willingness to take a critique head on but a critique without the proper knowledge may not be that helpful. I suggest that you read a few scripts to start with and many books fiction and non-fiction. Just read, read and read. Most of the scripts you read online may be production drafts but nonetheless they'll have the basics intact. So where do you find 'em? Take a look through www.imsdb.com and for a parting shot: you don't have to be a genius to write a movie script but but to sell one you have to know all the tricks.Depending on how far you want to go you'll need to find them and apply them.