Author Topic: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.  (Read 1379 times)

Offline Andrewf

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Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« on: August 18, 2008, 06:57:55 AM »
A small excerpt scene from my ongoing novel with no name...

Not sure if it is working as I want.

Please let me know what you read into this scene. ;D



"Max!" Jack called, giving me a gap toothed grin and waving me over. "Come an' have a go at this!"
I looked at Pavin for a moment longer, wondering what he was up to, before turning to Jack and walking over to him and his white-haired friend. "A go at what?"
"Renni's got a bet for ya, if'n ya interested?"
I smiled at the white-haired gentleman sat beside Jack and asked, "What kind of bet?"
"Oh, 'tis a simple one," he said and nodded. "You have only to catch this silver mark to win it." He held the coin between finger and thumb as if to prove he had it.
"I can't match that," I said, pulling my last few coppers from my belt pouch. "I only have these."
"No matter," he sounded a little less enthusiastic than before. "I'll bet this mark against your two pennies that you can't catch it."
"Okay," I nodded, "how shall we do this?"
Jack pulled the nearby table closer to his, until they were four finger widths apart. Renni placed an empty tankard on either side of the gap and perched his walking stick on them.
"I hold the mark like this," he braced his hand on the stick holding the coin between finger and thumb, "and you put your hands on the tables about shoulder width apart."
I smiled and put my hands on edge on either table. I knew this game, a test of reactions. The tables were new though. Obviously to stop my hands from following the coin as it fell.
"I then drop the mark," Renni continued, "and you just need to catch it. Simple enough, yes?"
I nodded and concentrated on Renni's hand and relaxed my shoulders and arms, ready for the moment of release.

I saw the slightest of movements beginning and immediately jerked my hands over the tabletops and together. "Mine, I think," I said with a smile and showed the silver mark trapped between my palms.
"Very good," Renni said and smiled a little bitterly back at me before turning to stare daggers at Jack.
"Thank you," I said pocketing the mark, "that was a most interesting bet."
Renni turned back to me, hastily retrieved another coin and asked, "Would you like to try again?"
"Sure, why not?" I knew I could catch it and placed my hands back on the table in the same position as before.
"Would you care to make it a little more difficult?" Renni asked. "For a greater prize of course," and flourished a gold crown with a smile.
I couldn't say I wasn't interested. "How much more difficult?"
He moved my hands about double the distance apart and replied, "That much?"
I was unsure if I could actually catch it from there and hesitated.
"Surely you can manage that distance," he coaxed and smiled.
I knew then that he was sure I couldn't catch the coin. I wasn't entirely sure he was wrong, but something pushed me on to try anyway. "Okay," I nodded and concentrated again as he poised his hand back on the stick.

The coin slipped from Renni's fingers almost leisurely. It appeared to be reluctant to leave them and plummet to the floor. I immediately snapped my hands into motion. My heart pounded, the colour seemed to leach from my vision and everything seemed to slow to a crawl. Everything, except my hands.
I heaved my hands closer, forcing them together. It felt like I was trying to drag them through thick honey towards the slowly dropping coin.
Determined, I put every effort into moving just a little faster. Like a restraint breaking, everything suddenly came free and my hands slapped closed with a resounding crack. The whole bar paused at the noise and I parted my stinging palms to show the crown to the astonished eyes of Jack and Renni.


Thank you for reading ;D
« Last Edit: August 18, 2008, 07:34:17 AM by Andrewf »
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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skip slocum

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2008, 07:28:18 AM »
oh come on don't leave me hanging like that, what happened next?
nicely written, I was pushin for him to try just a little harder, my hands are still stinging too.
so how much is a crown, a silvermark and two pence?

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2008, 07:33:02 AM »
LOL  thanks for the comment Skip   ;D

12 copper pennies to a silver mark
20 silver marks to a gold crown
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline BrigidMary

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2008, 08:07:36 AM »
I liked it a lot. I especially liked the slowing of the pace at the end. I'm usually not one for dialects in dialogue, but it wasn't too much, so I think it worked well. What's the novel about?
Brigid Kemmerer
Author of <b><i>Storm: The Elemental Series</i></b>, coming April 24, 2012 from K Teen (Kensington Books)

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2008, 08:13:43 AM »
Max has no memories of his past, the novel is generally about his journey of discovery. what his past is and how he deals with the information. 
the first chapter is posted in the Gellery ...  probably on page 8 or 9 by now ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline ma100

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2008, 10:07:51 AM »
I really like this Andrew. I really want to know more about this story. There  is a few places it could do with a bit of tightening up but it is good stuff. Just watch your overuse of was, it and the lys mate. You got a couple of repitions that you might want to reword. Looking forward to more.
Ma :)

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2008, 10:15:31 AM »
Yeah... i know... ;D

This is definitely first draught pre-edit.  Just want to make sure that you readers pick up what i'm trying to say ;D

Is it working?
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline ma100

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2008, 10:25:07 AM »
Yes it's working. I particularly like the honey line.  ;)May have to use that technique myself. ;D When I got more time I will go root out the start mate.

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2008, 02:02:54 PM »
thanks Ma... glad you liked it ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline Don

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2008, 10:02:10 PM »
A little more white space between the lines of dialogue would make it more visually appealing. 

Well written, though.  Nice take on an old pub game.

Quote
I knew this game, a test of reactions. The tables were new though.


Were the table really new, or were they simply an addition to the game set up Max hadn't seen before?  Be careful of this kind of stuff...it'll kill ya.

Yes, this is working.  Go clean it up before Ma gets after you.  ;D
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline Andrewf

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Re: Novel with no name, excerpt - 646 words.
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2008, 06:54:58 AM »
:D :D

Thanks Don, Will have to keep an eye out for them. ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.