Author Topic: Query -- CLARITY -- Please critique  (Read 13612 times)

Wolfe

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Re: Query -- CLARITY -- Please critique
« Reply #75 on: October 24, 2008, 10:01:42 PM »
This will be one of my last query letter critiques.  I seriously need to get back to my rewrites and edits!  And I'm not coming back until it's done.  :)


Dear Agent:  (good)

Kyrie is the socialite's Antichrist. (excellent) A slave to paranoia and Prozac, all is medicated bliss until she meets Torenóa second-generation schizo with a talent for torture. (excellent) He condemns Kyrie (moved), still (wordy) crazed from his fatherís recent demise, (he condemns Kyrie knowing she (who) witnessed the murderous (removed this to add curiousity - what act?) act that drove him to suicide.  (I like it) Toren plots a revenge that will leave Kyrie to plead for the mercy of death. (The ending sentence's pacing sounds all wrong with too many prepositions.  It needs the most drama in the paragraph.  Right now, the second sentence is much stronger.  Work on that.)

CLARITY is a 75,000-word thriller and spans six months in 1994 at the Pacific Northwest city of Lake Washington. (excellent) It explores the blame and anger that surrounds death and ignites the flaws that make us human. (interesting) CLARITY embodies themes similar to Nora Robertís Vengeance in Death. (excellent)

I am (I'm) the owner of Abandon Video, and my music video and documentary releases star on indie and major label CDs, DVDs, and online compilations. (excellent) My credits include songwriting, Outstanding Choreography awards, and (watch the conjunctions) movie and music video production. With my fatherís recent passing, I researched the ramifications death leaves on the individual, and how it varies because of inherited psychology. (excellent)

Thank you for your time.  (good)

Sincerely, (excellent)


I know I might leave you hanging since you're so close to finishing this, but my timetable demands this action.  Always remember, opinions will vary.  But, trust your instincts.  If something feels wrong, it probably is.  Hopefully, someone can step up and offer concise advice on what works and what doesn't.

Best of luck!  I should return in a few months or so.  ;)

Peace.

Wolfe


Offline musicbaby01

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Re: Query -- CLARITY -- Please critique
« Reply #76 on: February 27, 2009, 11:15:20 PM »
Hi everyone! It feels like I've been away for forever. Competition season is back at the dance studio and I feel like my life as been on hold. I'm using this time away to re-edit Clarity, and its provided to be a blessing! I guess all we need is time and a fresh look on things to get it back going.



Name of Agent
Address
City, State, Zip
Phone:
Fax:
Email:

Dear Agent:
 
Kyrie is the socialite's Antichrist. A slave to paranoia and Prozac, all is medicated bliss until she meets Torenóa second-generation schizo with a talent for torture. He blames his fatherís recent demise on Kyrie, witness to the act that drove him to suicide.  Torenís parade of matches, padlocks and body bags make for an evening of sadistic fun-filled surprises, complete with a big finish not even Kyrie can resist.

CLARITY is a 75,000-word thriller and spans six months in 1994 at the Pacific Northwest city of Lake Washington. It explores the blame and anger that surrounds death and ignites the flaws that make us human. CLARITY embodies themes similar to Nora Robertís Vengeance in Death.

Iím the owner of Abandon Video, and my music video and documentary releases star on indie and major label CDs, DVDs, and online compilations. My credits include songwriting, Outstanding Choreography awards, and music video production. With my fatherís recent passing, I researched the ramifications death leaves on the individual, and how it varies because of inherited psychology.

Thank you for your time.
 
Sincerely,

Wolfe

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Re: Query -- CLARITY -- Please critique
« Reply #77 on: February 28, 2009, 08:42:57 AM »
Woah. Blast from the past. Welcome back. :) I'll go first impression responses.


Dear Agent: (good)
 
Kyrie is the socialite's Antichrist. (I like this - it could see use on a book's jacket or back) A slave to paranoia and Prozac, all is medicated (I noticed this is passive, but I think it works - hope I'm not repeating this opinion) bliss until she meets Torenóa second-generation schizo with a talent for torture. (I like the alliteration here - nice) He blames his fatherís recent demise (consider: death) on Kyrie, witness to the act that drove him to suicide. (this sounds clumsy and bizzare) Torenís parade of matches, padlocks (comma missing here) and body bags make for an evening of sadistic fun-filled surprises, complete with a big finish not even Kyrie can resist. (I hated this last sentence on every level)

CLARITY is a 75,000-word thriller and spans six months in 1994 at the Pacific Northwest city of Lake Washington. (hot) It explores the blame and anger that surrounds (think this should be surround) death and ignites the flaws that make us human (you know ... I think this latter part is a bit over the top - could be the word 'ignites' doesn't fit or the double 'that' - don't know - sounds like it's trying too hard). CLARITY embodies themes similar to Nora Robertís Vengeance in Death. (clean, to the point)

Iím the owner of Abandon Video (consider: I own Abandon Video a [what it is]), and my music video and documentary releases star on indie (this sounds and looks like a title not capitalized to my eyes and ears) and major label CDs, DVDs, and online compilations. (interesting use of a platform) My credits include songwriting, Outstanding Choreography awards, and music video production. (good stuff for potential, promotional use) With my fatherís recent passing, I researched the ramifications death leaves on the individual, and how it varies because of inherited (that 'of' worries me - also this part sounds a little odd - maybe something simpler like: how it varies per person) psychology.

Thank you for your time. (good)
 
Sincerely, (excellent)


How much did I contradict myself this time around?  ;) Anyway, after the cool down period, those were my first impressions.

Wolfe
« Last Edit: February 28, 2009, 10:25:37 AM by Wolfe »

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: Query -- CLARITY -- Please critique
« Reply #78 on: February 28, 2009, 01:31:08 PM »
Quote
How much did I contradict myself this time around?
Not much!  From the sidelines I see you still demand excellence, old friend.  ??? ;D  ;)