Author Topic: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)  (Read 2562 times)

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« on: September 19, 2008, 09:56:19 PM »
“Your pistol?” I crushed my lips together. Tried to hold the laughter that threatened to burst forth.

“Yes. My pistol…..”

It broke out, I collapsed next to Peter on the couch. Laughter made tears well in my eyes and my breast’s jiggle like melons rolling down a driveway. Purple melons since that was the shirt I was wearing and blue jeans that matched the only thing he wore. It was just too funny.

He apparently was not amused. Peter simply stared at me. Gave me this look like he wanted to kiss me. Right now while I laughed. Laughed at him!

I was too hysterical to notice his approach, but suddenly he was there. Peter leaned over my slumped body. Gripped  my hair in his fist and tugged my face towards his. The kiss was hard, it lacked any form of sweetness. His tongue plunged and I could only respond helplessly. Peter wasn’t just giving a kiss, he was plundering. He forced my mouth wider and bombarded it with his tongue. I would have choked and happily, if he didn’t suddenly pull away. Locked his dominant eyes onto mine.

“That….” He cleared his raspy throat. “That was just so you would stop laughing.” My hair was still wrapped around his fist. I was still not in control. Peter was and I liked the idea.

I nodded. Bit my swollen bottom lip. “If I start laughing….will you kiss me again?” Peter let loose a possessive growl and swooped down again. Kissed me more gently, but I didn’t want gentle. With a push I sent him to his back against the couch. Straddled his body as he grabbed my hips. Pulled me so he rubbed his excitement against my abs. He was so big and so hard I gasped. Nipped his chin. Licked the right side of his jaw.

“You’re not laughing….” He whispered breathlessly.

“The moment passed.” Now I just wanted him….and his loaded pistol.

« Last Edit: September 19, 2008, 10:04:44 PM by ChristineK. »
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Offline Ivy

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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2008, 10:22:22 PM »
Laughter made tears well in my eyes and my breast’s jiggle like melons rolling down a driveway.

Great image, but it's "breasts".

For what it is, it's nicely executed.  The writing is excellent.  I just wanted in on the joke that had her laughing so hard in the beginning.

Offline Symphony

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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2008, 03:08:03 AM »
It works, but it was predictable, too. I knew from the very first line, so it took a bit of interest away. The first couple of paragraphs are a bit awkward and fumbly - bit like Peter's kiss, I think  ;)  By paragraph three you've got your ideas clear, you know where you're going and it's obvious from the writing. It flows much better after this.

After the first mention of Peter (2nd para?), you don't have to use his name again. This slows the pace and makes it clumsy. You can easily insert 'he' at every instance after this and it already reads better.

Good luck,
Symphony

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2008, 04:52:01 AM »
I agree with Symphony, The first bit is cute but awkward.

Maybe:

"Your pistol?" I said through pressed lips, desperately holding back my laughter.

"Yes; my pistol." He replied, a bit louder now and accompained by an angry glare. Seeing that look only made me laugh louder now collapsing to the floor next to Peter.

Just a couple of ideas . Hope I helped.

Chris



Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2008, 11:17:29 PM »
Hugs to Ivy, Symph and Chris! Thanks a bunch for the info, gonna go rewrite with your advice.  :)
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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2008, 06:28:43 AM »
The points I was going to make have already been made - the rolling breasts and the predicatability from the outset - but I would add that since this is flash fiction it has to have more of a story packed into it. In a very few words you should aim to sum up the couple's relationship, give the reader a couple of thumbnail sketchs of them, hint at something that comes before or afterwards. Some of this is done by a simple word or a metaphor.
Or - as in your example - it is written like an anecdote with a punchline at the end. It doesn't work because you've already told us the punchline at the outset.

You have taken a scene about a couple kissing - presumably their first kiss; if so, that should be made clearer. Is it their first date? Their first f***? (- I use that word because it seems too close to rough sex to be lovemaking). Why is she laughing? - is it nerves, because it's their first date and it's obvious he wants to go further, hence the pistol joke?

When writing flash fiction, you have to be very clear in your own mind what the story is about, who they are, and how much you want to show to the reader, and how much you simply want to hint at and trust the reader to 'get it'. Readers are very good at filling in the gaps, which is why flash is an art form in it's own right. Give the reader enough gaps, and a smattering of information, and a few words of dialogue, and they can write a whole book in their heads about the characters in the space of a couple of hundred words.


luvwriting
« Last Edit: September 22, 2008, 06:48:47 AM by luvwriting »

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2008, 10:22:38 PM »
Here's the new version.

"Your pistol?" I said through pressed lips, desperately holding back my laughter.

"Yes… my pistol." He replied, a bit louder now and accompanied by a glare.

Seeing that look only made me laugh louder now collapsing to the couch next to Peter.
It was just too funny. After our two years of friendship we talked about everything and not once had the name come up. I was too hysterical to notice his approach, but suddenly he was there. Peter leaned over my slumped body. Gripped my hair in his fist and tugged my face towards his. The kiss was hard, it lacked any form of sweetness. His tongue plunged and I could only respond helplessly. He wasn’t just giving a kiss, he was plundering. He forced my mouth wider and bombarded it with his tongue. I would have choked and happily, if he didn’t suddenly pull away. Locked his dominant eyes onto mine.

“That….” He cleared his raspy throat. “That was just so you would stop laughing.” My hair was still wrapped around his fist. I was still not in control. He was and I liked the idea.

I nodded. Bit my swollen bottom lip. “If I start laughing….will you kiss me again?” He let loose a possessive growl and swooped down again. Kissed me more gently, but I didn’t want gentle. With a push I sent him to his back against the couch. Straddled his body as he grabbed my hips. Pulled me so he rubbed his excitement against my abs. He was so big and so hard I gasped. Nipped his chin. Licked the right side of his jaw.

“You’re not laughing….” He whispered breathlessly.

“The moment passed.” Now I just wanted him….and his loaded pistol.
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luvwriting

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Re: Your pistol (Subject matter, flash fiction)
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2008, 04:06:58 AM »
That is a better version. It could be tighter, there is too much detail involved in his forcing the kiss on her to make her stop laughing. There is not enough of a reason for it. You need to add a subtext as to why he feels it necessary to be so rough over and above the fact she is laughing at the nickname, or remove it. Below is a version with the extra detail removed, just for comparison, and to see if the story still comes across clearly.


"Your pistol?" I said through pressed lips, desperately holding back my laughter.

"Yes… my pistol." He replied, a bit louder now and accompanied by a glare.

Seeing that look only made me laugh louder now collapsing to the couch next to Peter. After our two years of friendship we talked about everything and not once had the name come up.
Peter leaned over my slumped body. The kiss was hard, lacking any form of sweetness, and I could only respond helplessly. He wasn’t just giving a kiss, he was plundering. He pulled away and his eyes locked onto mine.

“That….” He cleared his raspy throat. “That was just so you would stop laughing.”

I nodded. “If I start laughing….will you kiss me again?”
He let loose a possessive growl and swooped down again. This time he kissed me gently, but I didn’t want gentle. With a push I sent him to his back against the couch and straddled his body.
“You’re not laughing….” He whispered breathlessly.

“The moment passed.” Now I just wanted him….and his loaded pistol.




PS. You don't need to use words like 'possessive' or 'dominant', the reader either 'gets it', or they don't, but don't tell them. Flash is all about hinting at deeper things such as which of the pair is more dominant.


luvwriting
« Last Edit: September 23, 2008, 04:15:09 AM by luvwriting »