Author Topic: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)  (Read 8216 times)

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2008, 08:23:12 PM »
Thanks Mull!  :) I tried to tighten it some more, I actually purposefully didn't add why she's crazy. I mean some people just are or it could be a major event from childhood. I sort of hoped the readers mind would conjure something up and just go wild with any idea they fancy. A bit of a mystery if you will. I hope anyway  :-\

Thanks Mark!  :-* You deserve that for helping again! I do have a pale ear disease.  :P  :P  Do try it.  ;)  ;D  I went with an accountant for Hooters. I don't know, i thought that added a bit of dark humor.

Heres the new version, let me know what you think.

PUBLISHED NOV. 9TH
« Last Edit: October 04, 2008, 09:02:23 PM by ChristineK. »
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Offline Mark H

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #16 on: September 14, 2008, 03:14:51 AM »
Looks like it's ready to go to press  :)
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #17 on: September 14, 2008, 12:29:50 PM »
Thanks so much Mark!  :)
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Offline crcl_unbrkn

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #18 on: September 15, 2008, 08:15:56 PM »
I truly liked the revised version a whole lot better. I was thinking along the lines of some of the other comments on the first one that it was too abrupt and unpolished. I think though, that this is much more than just a short story. It's a very good story idea and I think you could really add a lot to it, turn it into a novel. I agreed with Mull though that there could be more of a reason behind it. A method to one's madness so to speak. A story should be believable to the point that the reader goes, "yeah, I could see how that could happen." When the main point of your story is this woman's psycosis, then it deserves an explaination.

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2008, 12:27:53 PM »
Thanks CB  :)

Actually the explanation i'll leave out. I don't think it needs a sad tale of bad childhood or any kind of medication taking in it. I'll leave the 'why she's crazy'  a mystery.

 :) Glad you enjoyed it.

Take care,
Chris.
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Offline bob414bob

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2008, 07:05:36 PM »
Hi,
    the new version is so much better. The only line that stood out is;
“That is not my lipstick…” I screamed at him. You have to understand I was enraged. I'm not sure you need the last line here. I think we all understand that she was enraged. Maybe show her rage by having her throw something at him, or smash a glass etc. Anything to keep the action going without telling us about her rage.

Apart from that tiny quibble, I loved it. Well done.

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2008, 07:24:26 PM »
I like this girl Chris, Mark nailed most of the bits that need tweaking, as only Mark could.  ;D ;D

Don't lose her blase approach to killing, thats what makes her who she is.  ;)
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Offline Kate B

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2008, 07:28:10 PM »
I have been following your story since you first posted it. Being a shy critique I admit that I wavered and kept getting beaten to suggestions by more experienced members.  :)

It has been fascinating to watch the story develop and I find Jan deliciously intriguing. Well done.  ;D
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2008, 10:13:33 PM »
Thanks MB!  :)

Aw, feel free to comment on any of my stuff! Your thoughts are always welcome.  ;D
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