Author Topic: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)  (Read 8215 times)

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« on: September 09, 2008, 11:04:48 PM »
 THIS IS GOING TO BE PUBLISHED ON NOV. 9TH AT THE SHORT STORY LIBRARY.

http://shortstory.us.com/



« Last Edit: October 04, 2008, 09:01:18 PM by ChristineK. »
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Offline bob414bob

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2008, 11:38:28 PM »
Hi,
    this is a good start, but at the moment it feels almost as you have written it in short hand. For example, I had no family the wedding was his relatives.

Also, I seen her, the brunette. This should be, I saw her, not seen her.

It did feel a bit abrupt when your MC cut her throat. However I did like the line about not knowing blood spurted like that. I would add a bit more emotion and tension in here. maybe describe the womans face as you killed her, or show your emotions afterwards.

I think you are onto a winner here, it just need tweaking her and there. Good luck

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2008, 11:41:25 PM »
Ah, so more detail.

Gotcha, thanks bob. I'll work on it.  :)
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Offline Don

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2008, 12:06:22 AM »
Chris -

This reads like it's only part of the story.  BTW, like the title. 

I have no problem with your MC going O.J. on her rivals but the green-eyed monster is too thin a motivation to make for a compelling read.  Perhaps if she had killed others.  Maybe she killed Marn's first wife so she could have him all to herself.  Lots of possibilities. 

Don't give up on this one.  Couple of errors that Bob pointed out but you'll fix those in rewrite.  I like the matter-of-fact way you have her kill.  Absence of emotion can be very scary.

Don -
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2008, 12:18:42 AM »
Okay..you so pretty much told the story. lol.

She is ..um...unstable, crazy...looney..nutsy. All the above. not exactly green eyed i mean yes jealousy but it's beyond that. Kind of hard to explain. I wanted to put the whole story up but i plan on getting this edited and published. I think this is considered publishing....So there is more to it then her just killing this chick out of jealousy.

Yes, no emotion can be scary.
 Do you think i should add more details to the killings?

Thanks Don for reading and helping!
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Offline Andrewf

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2008, 06:14:18 AM »
Definitely needs more details...

but the lack of emotion is what makes the main character a monster so that needs to be kept. ;D

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Offline Mark H

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2008, 06:18:08 AM »
Hi Chris

I like this. I like the laid back style. It reminds me of one of my fave books Pop 1280 by Jim Thompson. Check it out if you get chance.

The "Didn’t realize blood splattered like that." is a great line.

The only bit that threw me -- I had to re-read and I'm still not sure it is right -- is "spent all night in the bubble bath. Awakening to room service" Are they in the bath when service arrives? I assume not, but you say they were there all night.

Good stuff.

M
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (part of a short story,violence, subject matter)
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2008, 07:07:40 PM »
Thanks Andrew and Cit! Figured i'm going to go for it anyway sooo....I'm going to put up the first half of it.  :) Tell me what ya think....(working on second half with the suggestions you all gave.)
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Offline SunshineX

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Re: Am I a monster? (first half of short story, violence, subject matter.)
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2008, 07:15:38 PM »
Eerie...So what happens next?! Hurry up with the 2nd half already!

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2008, 07:56:36 PM »
LOL, okay put the whole thing up.  ;)
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Offline Mark H

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2008, 03:27:47 AM »
Cool. I like the style. You have a few typos that you should pick up on a proof read.

There is one line that I didn't like though. His brown hair rustled in the wind. His hear made a rustling sound?

I thought it was very cruel of you to give him false teeth  ;D

M
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2008, 08:38:05 PM »
Cool. I like the style. You have a few typos that you should pick up on a proof read.

There is one line that I didn't like though. His brown hair rustled in the wind. His hear made a rustling sound?

I thought it was very cruel of you to give him false teeth  ;D

M

hahaha, I am a cruel woman.  ;) Okay i am going to proof it again and take out the rustling hair...i guess hair really can't rustle can it.  :-\  :P

Thanks Mark!  ;D
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2008, 02:51:37 PM »
Okay, new edited without rustling story up.  ;)  ;D


Let me know what you think...
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Offline Mark H

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2008, 07:08:22 AM »
Just a few little suggestions ...

Am I a monster?

Honestly do you believe it, me the subject of nightmares? I'm a simple woman pushed too far. Some would say I
snapped, but I didn’t break any bones.

Here’s my story, please remember the question.

My name is Jan I was 24 when I found my husband. We met at a bookstore. He was in the horror section, should have guessed it, but his tight butt caught my eye. I wanted to go over and squeeze one cheek. He was older than me by 20 years. Only discovered that after I asked him to reach a book. Bought me coffee, such a gentleman. We began having chats online, didn’t even realize how naive I was being. Everyday we'd type to each other. Come together whenever are our schedules would allow. Usually coffee or a quick bite to eat. Very casual and easy going. I wanted more whilewhile <- wrong word. Just drop it and end the sentence. on our third laid-back date I told him so.

“Marn…” He sat across from me in jeans and a black t-shirt. His brown locks danced in the wind. The ice cream before him on the table began to melt. “What are we doing? I really like you.” I let the sentence dangle. Waited to hear his response.

“I really like you too Jan.”

Marn smiled, false teeth, but what did I care. Love can make you blind! He leaned over the table. Moving black hair away from my pale ear have you got pale left ear disease? and kissed my cheek. It was so tender and sweet I smiled. “How much do you like me?” Marn grinned, leaned further and pressed his lips against mine. His lips casually played. In moments Marn took the kiss deeper. His tongue stroked, teeth nibbled. We almost did it right there on the table near the ice cream shop. Ah, the beginning of love. We went to his place afterward. He was never married, but he had always wanted to. That is where our conversation led. Down the road that lovers take.

A month later and we managed to see each other every weekend. Made love in his bed, my bed, the shower (both homes), the bathtub (both homes again) and the deck one night with the stars twinkling overheard. He was amazing in bed, Marn did this twist when he was to the hilt.aside, note to self ...  must try this. It drove me wild…still does. Still a fool I guess.

We had two more months of bliss. Spent evenings together. Took long walks, sailed (he had a boat), and enjoyed each other. The end of that second month is where it happened. We were panting, he collapsed on me and I hugged him close as I glared glared - why were you angry. at the sky above. Our picnic in the park had gotten interesting and both of us were naked on the blanket. Sandwiches scattered to the ants. If someone should happen along they would get quite a view.

Marn leaned up and kissed my jaw. Going lower, “Question…” Marn muttered between licks and suckles.

“Mmm” No actual words formed.

“Will you marry me?” My heart stopped, not literally. Obviously I didn‘t have a heart attack. I was just stunned and so elated at his want to spend eternity with me. Stupid woman, so stupid.

We got married at a beautiful ceremony near a lake which lake?. Marn was a lawyer so he had money for the fancy stuff. I had no family and the wedding was his relatives. Ah, so much joy on that day. In a white gown and the sweet vanilla cake we cut. The smiling faces, wrapped presents, all the fun. It was a day that will be forever etched into my mind.

Our honeymoon was non-existent. He had work, I started my job as an accountanttoo generic. How about ... as ledger clerk at the local Quickie Mart. So we made love and spent all night in the bubble bath. Eight in the morning room service brought a four star hotel breakfast and then we'd have to go back to reality.

“Room service.” The girl called out. I knew it was a girl and not a woman. Her voice held such a squeak.

“Yes, come in” Marn yelled back. Adjusting his rob should that be knob or perhaps robe? so the parts I fondled would not show. The blond, size 2 walked where I was sitting next to him and smiled maliciously. Marn grinned right back and I swear his thing got harder in my grip. He watched her the whole time. Saying thank you and the tip was on the counter. Marn even went so far as to gaze at her butt as she left. I let it go, but never forgot.

I’ll jump ahead to the next event. The times in between were pleasant enough. It was a year, exactly since we’ve been married since we'd married. Our sex dwindled and he spent more time at work. That’s when I found the lip stick stain on his shirt. “That is not my lipstick…” I screamed at him. You have to understand I was enraged. I loved this man and he cheated on me. Slept with hussies and Marn denied every bit of it. So the next day I followed him to work. I saw her, the brunette. She was flirting with him every moment he was near.

That night while the brunette approached her car in the dark lot, I slit her throat. Cut it clean across. Ruined her dark blue business suit and stained her tan skin. Didn’t realize blood splattered like that. Wound up stripping, burned the clothes and roasted marshmallows to explain the fire. It worked, Marn roasted with me. He even spoke of her the following week. Saying one of the secretaries disappeared. She didn’t actually disappear, she's just at the bottom of the lake near our house, but no one had to know that.

Two months passed before I found another woman trying to steal my man. She stared at his butt as we walked through South shore mall, not nice. I told her so when we met in the ladies room. Bashed her head against the wall over and over. Just until she stopped fighting. I managed to strip her skirt off, whip down fingerprints and make it look like a rape. I won’t tell you exactly how I did that, my little secret. On a little side note: all the blood she was spewing covered up any fingerprints I may have missed.

Standing in our home nearly four months after that nasty mall incident. He’s done it again. How can I be so naive? Marn looked at his sister like he wanted to throw her on the carpet and screw her silly. Could it be me? Could I just be very jealous? The thought crossed my mind as his sister and I went for a walk around the block. To say the least<- sounds wrong, but could be OK in American. We would say, needless to say, she never returned. I told him she was picked up by a friend of hers, of course he didn’t believe me. He was probably angry at not getting laid by her even though I was right there.

Marn looked out the window when I finally confronted him. “Marn…you’re cheating on me.” He could deny it all he wanted, it’s true!

“Damn it Jan. I’m not doing this again. I love you. Forever and always baby. You’re just paranoid. I love you…” He said the words as I swung the ax. It landed right between his eyes. A nice shot, if I do say so myself. More blood to cover up my fingerprints, though in this case I don't think it mattered. I dragged his sister back to the house and let their corpses lay upon each other. The fool that I was, I really did fall for Marn. I burnt the house to the ground. Stole a couple of thousand to start a new life.

Here I am now. In a new town in Texas. A nice little place away from the city wondering if I’m a monster. I've decided, I am. I’m a monster for not letting Marn get one last lay.

“Hello there, Ma’am”

My eyes went right to his butt. This cowboy nods and tips his hat. “Hello.” I grin like a school girl, but he is so good looking it has my cheeks flushing.

With a raspy voice he asks, “Can I buy you a coffee?”
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: Am I a monster? (violence, subject matter)
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2008, 12:59:56 PM »
Christine,
 Not bad, just needs polish. Some sentences need tightening. Something about why she is what she is. Off her meds?
Just my thoughts
JH