My Query - Eastmarch

[luvwriting]

Ummm, ok, let me reword that -

And 'At the end', gives the same feeling as the phrase 'in conclusion'.


Try not to make it sound like the last chapter, as that kills the element of suspense in any potential hook.


luvwriting

[Andrewf]

LOL


But it is in the last chapter 



let me have another look when I get home

[luvwriting]

LOL


But it is in the last chapter 

You know that. I know that. Just don't tell the Agent.

[Andrewf]

I suspect that the agent will know it too luvwriter... 



Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories removed by magic. While serving his time, he uncovers his past, the details of his crime and why the memories were taken. Then he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[luvwriting]

It sounds a bit flat. Can you jazz it up a bit?

[Wolfe]

Dear [agent], (good)

Max is convicted (passive) for murder and sentenced (split-conjunctive passive verb) to serve the Crown with his memories removed by (passive) magic. (Three passive passes in the first sentence spells instant rejection for most agents. The telling overkills... and this in your hook. Revise.) While serving his time (Hidden and telling gerund phrase), he uncovers his past (telling), (incorrect punctuation) the details of (wordy) his crime and why the memories were taken (passive) (sounds too bizarre, telling, and disconnected). Then (if you use then to start a sentence, a comma must follow - missing punctuation) he must (hedging modifier - consider a stronger word or rephrase the word decide) decide between his new life and the old (incorrect sentence structure - the 'and' makes the last phrase reads like this: his the old. Also, it sounds cliché).

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, (correct comma use, but not needed) similar to Ed Greenwood's The Kingless Land. (And? Nothing else?)

I'm a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008. (excellent) (I would like to see something more here. If not, separate the sentences to make the credits look longer.)

Thank you for your time. (good)

Sincerely, (excellent)


Watch the passive voice. You don't want to stumble in the first sentence. Hell, you don't want to stumble at all. Revise and consider the conflict further. Again, I would like to see a theme and so do agents.

Wolfe

[eric]

Not to intrude, and I am sorry to be so negative, but I think the bottom line is that I just don't see a conflict in this one at all.

[Margarett]

Maybe you could name both stories in the book that were published, seperately. Because both had to get entry by standing alone so they are of equal value in your credits.  So you do have three accomplishments. Brag as much as you can here without going over board. This will help you sell yourself if not the book.  It will also have to stand alone on its merits also. However you having already passed the first three hurdles we the beginners still have to cross.  You now are a professional. Tell them about it proudly.
 
Just my thoughts on the subject.

Toss them away if you chose.

Good luck and congratulations!!

[Andrewf]

Never thought of listing both short stories seperately 

I like that idea, thanks Margarett. 

[Andrewf]

One last try before I go back to writing the story itself and the synopsis...


Dear [agent],

Convicted for a murder he ‘knows’ he didn’t commit and with his memories wiped, Max is forced to serve the Crown as a covert agent for the reward of information. With no memories to guide him, Max struggles to learn why his memories were taken, while being hampered by a corrupt government minister. He is then pressured to decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008. I also have two short stories, “Surgical Strike” and “Causality Loop”, in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[Wolfe]

Riverdances in...


Convicted for a murder he ‘knows’ (Don't use quotes here—choose stronger nouns and verbs to make the point without the punctuation tricks) he didn’t commit (grand cliché) and with his memories wiped, Max is forced (passive) to serve the Crown as (adjective clause doesn't work and signals wordiness) a covert agent (choose a stronger, single noun - consider: spy, thief, etc.) for the reward of information (wordy and sounds odd). With no memories to guide him (repetition - you already said his memories were wiped in your first sentence), Max struggles to learn why his memories were taken (passive and repetition #3), while being hampered by (don't think I've ever seen a passive string like this: while being hampered by) a corrupt (telling) government (double adjective string) minister. He is then (wordy) pressured (passive) to decide between his new life and the old. (cliché)

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land. (good) (So ... why'd you write this?  Show the agent more.)

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008. (excellent) I also have (consider a more active verb: wrote, contributed) two short stories, “Surgical Strike” and “Causality Loop”, (No quoting your works) in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008 (consider: this year).

Thank you for your time. (good)


You're making the plot portion much too difficult, so let's play a game.  Let's pretend I'm an editor for TV Guide.  We're going to publish your book and make it into a made for TV movie.  I need you to give me an exact statement that will interest the audience.  You know ... like in our magazine.  Must be short, to the point, and intriguing.  You have three lines. Fail and it's curtains on your writing career.

Do it.

Wolfe


Riverdances out...

[Andrewf]

And so I return... Like a bad penny...  with another attempt at this query letter...   




Dear [agent],

With no memories to guide him, Max must learn his place in the world, and who to trust, while searching for his past. The one who took his memories is determined to stop Max interrupting their careful schemes. Max searches throughout Eastmarch for his prize and must decide who he will be when faced with the choice of his old life and new.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land, and explores how our memories define every choice we make in life.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008. I have contributed two short stories, Surgical Strike and Causality Loop, to the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008 and another short story, Christmas Wishes, in the 2008 Christmas anthology A Writers Christmas.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[Wolfe]

Wow. Blast from the past!  I can't believe I Riverdanced...

Anyway, same critiques as before or do you want to focus on something specific?

Wolfe

[ma100]

Wow. Blast from the past!  I can't believe I Riverdanced...

I can 

[Wolfe]

LOL