Author Topic: My Query - Eastmarch  (Read 22340 times)

luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #45 on: September 09, 2008, 12:12:17 PM »
Oh god, Andrew, those sample queries were littered with cliches. Please avoid that site.
I know I keep harping on about him, but far better to check out Nathan Bransford's blog instead (and not just because I think he's gorgeous! ;) ).
http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/


And: Thanks, Wolfe, for the clarification about authorial telling. :)


luvwriting
« Last Edit: September 09, 2008, 12:15:07 PM by luvwriting »

Offline eric

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Re: My Query
« Reply #46 on: September 09, 2008, 01:54:35 PM »
I'm sorry, luv, I only listen to advice from total babes.   8)

luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #47 on: September 09, 2008, 05:34:01 PM »
In that case, I will try to find some babes for you, eric. ;)



luvwriting

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #48 on: September 09, 2008, 05:38:12 PM »
LOL Luvwriting :D


Give us the power theme in your book in twenty-five words or less.

We'll work from there.

Wolfe

Okay...  My central theme is...

We are nothing more than the sum total of our memories.


I originally started this story after reading this quote (although I’ve no idea where I read it first)
“What are we, if not the sum of all our memories?”

That prompted me to write the story that I put up here for review. (It’s in the gallery on the earliest pages)
There were some good comments and encouragement to continue from where that part stopped...  to make it into a full book length story.
And so, here we are ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Wolfe

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Re: My Query
« Reply #49 on: September 10, 2008, 02:24:19 AM »
We are nothing more than the sum total of our memories.

Now, make it tighter.  Remove all the extra words and fluff.  I'll mark them.

We are (use a non-linking verb) nothing (negative clause) more than the sum total of our memories.

Once you say this statement in its clearest form, you'll have your hook.

Wolfe

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #50 on: September 10, 2008, 05:27:24 AM »
Wolfe, I can see why you crossed out “sum”, given I was repeating it with “total”, but why did you remove the “of”?

The following five lines are my tightened versions, and to be honest I don’t know which is best...  Although I do like the first and fourth ones.


We equal the sum of our memories.

We equal the total of our memories.

We equal the whole of our memories.

We equal our entire memories.

We equal our whole memories.
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Wolfe

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Re: My Query
« Reply #51 on: September 10, 2008, 10:00:26 AM »
The word 'of' is a indirect word for possession or even the subject hidden.  Consider making the subject 'memories'—not we—and you'll see what I mean.

Wolfe

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #52 on: September 10, 2008, 10:45:45 AM »
How's this one?

Memories form our personalities.
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Wolfe

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Re: My Query
« Reply #53 on: September 10, 2008, 10:51:30 AM »
Just personality?  ;)

Wolfe

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #54 on: September 10, 2008, 10:56:45 AM »
How about...

Memories define us.


actually... i like that ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #55 on: September 10, 2008, 11:40:09 AM »
I like that last one Andrew, but I wouldn't leave it hanging as a complete sentence. May be better to begin the quey something like:

Memories define us, but Max....
If memories define us then Max is in deep shit....
If we are defined by our memories then Max is in deep shit....



luvwriting

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #56 on: September 10, 2008, 12:12:24 PM »
I won't leave it hanging luvwriting...    just sorting out the central theme...  but I think we're getting there ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Wolfe

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Re: My Query
« Reply #57 on: September 10, 2008, 03:11:32 PM »
There's your hook.  And a good one.  Luv does have a good point, but if you flesh it out make sure you don't lose the statement's strength.  Afterwards, follow the same technique you did with the hook and ask:  What's the book's main conflict?

Wolfe
« Last Edit: September 10, 2008, 03:18:45 PM by Wolfe »

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #58 on: September 10, 2008, 03:38:39 PM »
Thanks Wolfe.

I will work on the hook. 

Would Max trying to get his memories back be conflict enough?
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #59 on: September 10, 2008, 04:08:13 PM »

Would Max trying to get his memories back be conflict enough?


Something you might consider:
Why would Max want his memories back? Ok, 'our memories define us', but how does he know he's not better off without them? Maybe the conflict comes from within him - he starts to wonder if he really wants all his memories back, but then has no choice but continue his tasks and be rewarded with increasingly horrible and unwanted old memories, if he is to prove/remember his innocence......anyway, just a thought.


luvwriting