My Query - Eastmarch

[luvwriting]

Check your syntax. The way the second sentence is written it implies it is the clandestine deed that has found the unjust conviction, rather than max.



luvwriting

[Andrewf]

I did wonder about that one


Dear [agent],

Memories define us, but blank memories won't stop Max uncovering his past. Each clandestine deed earns Max another piece of the memory puzzle where he eventually finds an unjust conviction for political ends. With old memories in hand, Max must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[luvwriting]

where he eventually finds an unjust conviction for political ends

- you don't make the point that this is Max's unjust conviction; it could be anyone's

You know the expression 'kill your darlings'? Well that is what yuor phrase 'memories define us' has become. You are starting with this and trying to write the query around it.
Start with the plot; add the suspense and the conflict; then see it there's still room for it.

As Nathan says, the theme should be clear from the plot. I would say the theme is clear from the fact he has lost his memories; he tries to find them; then he must decide who he really is when faced with the choice of the old life provided by his old memories, and the new life he's made in the meantime.

[Andrewf]

- you don't make the point that this is Max's unjust conviction; it could be anyone's

You know the expression 'kill your darlings'? Well that is what yuor phrase 'memories define us' has become. You are starting with this and trying to write the query around it.
Start with the plot; add the suspense and the conflict; then see it there's still room for it.

As Nathan says, the theme should be clear from the plot. I would say the theme is clear from the fact he has lost his memories; he tries to find them; then he must decide who he really is when faced with the choice of the old life provided by his old memories, and the new life he's made in the meantime.

Actually, I've never heard that expression before today 

But I see what you mean and will try it that way round

[Andrewf]

luvwriting, this is the central plot pared down to a single line... 

Convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed, Max struggles to uncover his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken.

[luvwriting]

It's Wolfe who likes them pared down, Andrew. Personally I like a little more meat on the bones

Convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed, Max struggles to uncover his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken.

When Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown, he must also surrender his memories as part of the punishment. As Max struggles to uncover his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken, he finds he must choose between his past life and the new one.



luvwriting

[Andrewf]

LOL You said you wanted the central plot   I didn’t mean for that to be the whole query

I’m not sure about showing the conviction right at the beginning, that part isn’t revealed until the end of the first section.  Should it stay?

[SteveJ]

Dear Agent,

I am the Mighty Mr Andrew, and you want my book, believe me; so gimme lots of money.

Love,
Mr Andrew, Celebrity Chef and Scientist

[Andrewf]

LMAO  

Thanks Mr Steve...   but I was thinking more along the lines of something like this...


Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed. After serving his time and uncovering his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken, Max learns he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[eric]

Hi Andrew, just a reality check, why would the Crown want a convicted murderer working for it?

(I am assuming you have believably justified the magical memory removal.)

[sonofdenis]

Dear Agent,

I am the Mighty Mr Andrew, and you want my book, believe me; so gimme lots of money.

Love,
Mr Andrew, Celebrity Chef and Scientist   

 

 

Dear agent.

Gimme.

Now!

Regards, any old journalist (went to Eton)

[Andrewf]

Hi Andrew, just a reality check, why would the Crown want a convicted murderer working for it?

(I am assuming you have believably justified the magical memory removal.)

LOL, The trouble is, that's the information the protagonist digs up during the course of the story. And to explain that would explain a large part of the plot. 

[Andrewf]

And again 


Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed. While serving his time, Max uncovers his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken. Finally, he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[luvwriting]

Now that version works for me. The only two words I'd consider changing are 'magically' - can't explain it, but it just sounds so pat every time I read it; like: 'Poof! Alakazam! Now you see your memories, and now you don't'.
And 'Finally', gives the same feeling as the phrase 'in conclusion'.


luvwriting

[Andrewf]

How's this one?


Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories removed by magic. While serving his time, he uncovers his past, the details of his crime and why the memories were taken. At the end, he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,