Author Topic: My Query - Eastmarch  (Read 23072 times)

luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #105 on: September 16, 2008, 11:54:26 AM »
Check your syntax. The way the second sentence is written it implies it is the clandestine deed that has found the unjust conviction, rather than max.



luvwriting

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #106 on: September 16, 2008, 11:59:59 AM »
I did wonder about that one :D



Dear [agent],

Memories define us, but blank memories won't stop Max uncovering his past. Each clandestine deed earns Max another piece of the memory puzzle where he eventually finds an unjust conviction for political ends. With old memories in hand, Max must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #107 on: September 16, 2008, 12:18:11 PM »
Quote
where he eventually finds an unjust conviction for political ends

- you don't make the point that this is Max's unjust conviction; it could be anyone's

You know the expression 'kill your darlings'? Well that is what yuor phrase 'memories define us' has become. You are starting with this and trying to write the query around it.
Start with the plot; add the suspense and the conflict; then see it there's still room for it.

As Nathan says, the theme should be clear from the plot. I would say the theme is clear from the fact he has lost his memories; he tries to find them; then he must decide who he really is when faced with the choice of the old life provided by his old memories, and the new life he's made in the meantime.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2008, 12:27:43 PM by luvwriting »

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #108 on: September 16, 2008, 12:28:36 PM »
- you don't make the point that this is Max's unjust conviction; it could be anyone's

You know the expression 'kill your darlings'? Well that is what yuor phrase 'memories define us' has become. You are starting with this and trying to write the query around it.
Start with the plot; add the suspense and the conflict; then see it there's still room for it.

As Nathan says, the theme should be clear from the plot. I would say the theme is clear from the fact he has lost his memories; he tries to find them; then he must decide who he really is when faced with the choice of the old life provided by his old memories, and the new life he's made in the meantime.

Actually, I've never heard that expression before today  ;D

But I see what you mean and will try it that way round ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #109 on: September 17, 2008, 04:53:20 AM »
luvwriting, this is the central plot pared down to a single line...  ;D

Convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed, Max struggles to uncover his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken.
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #110 on: September 17, 2008, 12:35:56 PM »
It's Wolfe who likes them pared down, Andrew. Personally I like a little more meat on the bones ;) :)

Quote
Convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed, Max struggles to uncover his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken.

When Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown, he must also surrender his memories as part of the punishment. As Max struggles to uncover his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken, he finds he must choose between his past life and the new one.



luvwriting

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #111 on: September 17, 2008, 02:57:47 PM »
LOL You said you wanted the central plot ;D  I didnít mean for that to be the whole query ;D

Iím not sure about showing the conviction right at the beginning, that part isnít revealed until the end of the first section.  Should it stay?
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline SteveJ

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Re: My Query
« Reply #112 on: September 17, 2008, 03:08:41 PM »
Dear Agent,

I am the Mighty Mr Andrew, and you want my book, believe me; so gimme lots of money.

Love,
Mr Andrew, Celebrity Chef and Scientist ;D ;D ;D
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Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #113 on: September 17, 2008, 03:13:36 PM »
LMAO   :D :D :D

Thanks Mr Steve...   but I was thinking more along the lines of something like this... ;D



Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed. After serving his time and uncovering his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken, Max learns he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwood’s The Kingless Land.

I’m a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,



;D
« Last Edit: September 17, 2008, 03:15:08 PM by Andrewf »
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline eric

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Re: My Query
« Reply #114 on: September 18, 2008, 01:24:19 AM »
Hi Andrew, just a reality check, why would the Crown want a convicted murderer working for it?

(I am assuming you have believably justified the magical memory removal.)

Offline sonofdenis

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Re: My Query
« Reply #115 on: September 18, 2008, 01:38:48 AM »
Quote
Dear Agent,

I am the Mighty Mr Andrew, and you want my book, believe me; so gimme lots of money.

Love,
Mr Andrew, Celebrity Chef and Scientist   


 :o

 ;D

Dear agent.

Gimme.

Now!

Regards, any old journalist (went to Eton)

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #116 on: September 18, 2008, 06:35:23 AM »
Hi Andrew, just a reality check, why would the Crown want a convicted murderer working for it?

(I am assuming you have believably justified the magical memory removal.)

LOL, The trouble is, that's the information the protagonist digs up during the course of the story. And to explain that would explain a large part of the plot.  ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #117 on: September 18, 2008, 07:23:54 AM »
And again  ;D



Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories magically removed. While serving his time, Max uncovers his past, the details of his crime and why his memories were taken. Finally, he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwoodís The Kingless Land.

Iím a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,



;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

luvwriting

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Re: My Query
« Reply #118 on: September 18, 2008, 11:53:37 AM »
Now that version works for me. The only two words I'd consider changing are 'magically' - can't explain it, but it just sounds so pat every time I read it; like: 'Poof! Alakazam! Now you see your memories, and now you don't'.
And 'Finally', gives the same feeling as the phrase 'in conclusion'.


luvwriting

Offline Andrewf

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Re: My Query
« Reply #119 on: September 18, 2008, 11:59:44 AM »
How's this one?



Dear [agent],

Max is convicted for murder and sentenced to serve the Crown with his memories removed by magic. While serving his time, he uncovers his past, the details of his crime and why the memories were taken. At the end, he must decide between his new life and the old.

TALES OF EASTMARCH is a ##,000-word fantasy novel, similar to Ed Greenwoodís The Kingless Land.

Iím a finalist in the Wordclay Short Story Contest of 2008 and wrote two short stories in the anthology The Orpheus Tales from Salvatore Publishing in 2008.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,




;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.