Author Topic: I need some feed back on a couple sentences  (Read 1391 times)

Offline Kipton

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I need some feed back on a couple sentences
« on: April 14, 2006, 09:00:06 AM »
I am an artist trying to write a children's book.  I have the art 85% done and the writing 95% done.  I planning to self publish my book in the next two months.  I sent my book to about 20 publishers and got nowhere.  I am finding either you have to have an agent or have been published to get them to look at your story.  I know I can sell my book.  I have a mailing list of 6300 people, my website, and all the markets I sell at in NYC.  I know the writing I have done is okay not great. What will sell my book is the artwork.

I just need some feedback on a couple sentences I have written for the book.  Just look at each group of sentences separately.  Here they are:

Not knowing where to go for a vacation,
Ned placed a note in a bottle and dropped it in the sea.
Where the bottle landed was the place he would go and sea.

When Ned crossed the equator how hot the sizzling sun felt.
He did not know if he would make it through the warm tropical day.
Like a dissolving ice cube, his iceberg began to melt.
He pulled out his umbrella to keep the thawing sun away.

I am thinking I should just leave out: He did not know....
and just have it say:

When Ned crossed the equator how hot the sizzling sun felt.
Like a dissolving ice cube, his iceberg began to melt.
He pulled out his umbrella to keep the thawing sun away.

B R O A D W AY.....
Curtains up, lights down,
singing and dancing all around,
Ned was wide eyed and totally spellbound by it all.

Any feed back is greatly appreciated.  My writing is okay, but the artwork with these words is amazing.

Thanks,
Kipton




Offline chillies

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Re: I need some feed back on a couple sentences
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2006, 02:21:36 PM »
[Not knowing where to go for a vacation,
Ned placed a note in a bottle and dropped it in the sea.
Where the bottle landed was the place he would go and sea.

Kipton, I'm certainly no expert so feel free to ignore what I have to say but, Ned would not know where the bottle had landed if he dropped it into the sea and therefore would not be able to go to that place.

Incidentally the last word (sea) should be (see). But even then (sea) and (see) sound identical and therefore clash in this first stanza. I don't really have a problem with the rest, it's just this part that I feel needs work.

Hope that helps

chillies


Offline Kipton

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Re: I need some feed back on a couple sentences
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2006, 04:43:37 PM »
Chille
Thank you for your imput.  That is a typo, it is suppose to be see and not sea at the end.
Here is the next two sentences which will make sense to my story.

Not knowing where to go for a vacation,
Ned placed a note in a bottle and dropped it in the sea.
Where the bottle landed was the place he would go and see.

The bottle drifted north.
as the gigantic ocean rocked it back and forth.

Soon the bottle floated into New York harbor and was discovered by a mouse.
A mouse named Meece.

Ned and Meece became pen pals through snail mail.
Writing back and forth they discovered they had so much in common.
They both liked to fish and they each could wiggle their tail.

Thanks,
Kipton

Offline Kipton

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Re: I need some feed back on a couple sentences
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2006, 04:46:02 PM »
Chillies
sorry about mispelling your name.
Kipton

Offline chillies

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Re: I need some feed back on a couple sentences
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2006, 05:54:24 PM »
Ah! Now it's becoming clear

chillies