Author Topic: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~  (Read 2262 times)

Dodey

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~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« on: August 09, 2008, 07:56:55 PM »
I Return to this river time again
When hues of nighttime fall across the skies
The peace alone to ease and heal my pain
As muted pictures dance before my eye's

Beside this river I have often cried
To tell the truth much fear in me occured
But all my fears were more than justified
When out the water gurgling sounds were heard

With passing time I came to realise
Those sounds were echo's of my untold pain
Drowning beneath the hues of nightttime skies
Affording me the chance to love again

And now it's peaceful here beside the river
Through sepia veils I see us once again
A silent movie sets my heart a quiver
It's yesterday once more before the pain.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2008, 08:06:36 PM by Dodey »

Offline Akeith (Gray)

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2008, 06:58:09 PM »
Dodey:

Nice and also sad.

I am not much for writing with such structure as you have done here. That is just my taste, of course. I find it a difficult task. You seemed to have done well with it.

You have a nice image of someone being by the river where thier lover drowned. You tell of the grief of the loss more than show it.

One example:

And now it's peaceful here beside the river

Perhaps you could show how peaceful it is instead of just telling the reader.

You also use 'neath   instead of beneath, I suppose for maintaining a syllable count or maybe for effect. I think (my opinion only) that it is a little archaic.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your poetry and will look for more.

Just my thoughts. Hope they help you.

Gray


Offline eric

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2008, 07:12:43 PM »
Dodey, you seem to be nice so don't take this hard, but I can't get past the first line. 

Who in the world says "Return I?"  The only person who would say that is someone trying to sound like a "poet" but failing.  The construction is hackneyed, my dear, and it shouts out for-- well, I don't know what it shouts, but it's not pretty.

In full you say:  "Return I to this river time again"

Why would you do that to the English language?  Why are you not just saying "I return to the river?"  Since you're returning to the river, isn't it obvious it's again?  There are websites where people write like this, but nobody who wants to be taken seriously writes like this.

I respectfully think it is a cardinal mistake to be ruled by rhyme over reason, and I also feel it is trite, trite to force everything into an ironclad metre.  That's just me, and what do I know?  I've only been doing this forty years.

What you have here is a somewhat unsuccessful attempt to emulate Longfellow's cadences.  If Longfellow appeared on these boards I would rip him to shreds.  You I am merely tweaking a bit. 

Good luck in the future.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2008, 07:25:05 PM by eric »

Dodey

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2008, 07:19:24 PM »
Thank you eric for your review, i have taken all you have said on board, as English
is my second language , I make mistakes .because I am still learning .smiles. that is
what I joined for, to learn from those who know these things..
Thank You for your help. Regards..Dodey.   

Dodey

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2008, 07:24:01 PM »
Thank you Gray for your review, yes it did help, now
I can work on your suggestions and hopefully improve it.
I know I have much to learn and I think I have
found the right place to do that, Thank you again Gray.
Regards..Dodey.

Offline eric

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2008, 07:31:23 PM »
Dodey, I did not realize English was your second language.  I would have been less harsh had I known that.  What you did was not bad for emulating Longfellow or someone like him, but do try to use natural language in your poetry.  It can be difficult but it pays off.

Offline Akeith (Gray)

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2008, 07:37:56 PM »
Dodey:

eric is correct in what he says. I was trying to convey the same thought, but he did it better.

I did not realize English was your second language either when I was writing my comments.

Do keep trying. You are bilingual and therefore, are one up on me.  ;)

Gray

Dodey

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2008, 07:42:49 PM »
No, you were right eric, I like to have from honest reviews,
how else will I learn, and I thank You for
your advice, it is good to know someone cares enough
to help ~ smiles ~ Dodey.

Dodey

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2008, 07:49:01 PM »
Thank you again Gray, yes, i am always trying to learn
and be better, ( you should have seen my work one year ago lol.)
I will read over yours and erics comments and use them to
better my work. Regards Dodey.

Offline eric

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2008, 08:00:56 PM »
Dodey, if you would like further advice or need further help in any way, please feel free to post here or send me a personal message, and I will be glad to do what I can.

Dodey

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Re: ~ Sepia Veils of Sundown ~
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2008, 08:09:41 PM »
Thank you eric, that is very kind of you ~ Regards..Dodey