Author Topic: Woud you read on? First page of a novel...  (Read 14132 times)

Offline Posty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 57
  • Things are only impossible until they're not!
Re: Woud you read on? First page of a novel...
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2008, 01:06:11 PM »
Thanks Simey and Guthry,
Welcome to the site, and thanks for the feeback. 
Yes, it's a bit culture shock to dive into reviews after reading those of some of the vetrans here.  You really start to appreciate and recognize the benefits a lean and active writing style from some of these critiques.  Now if I can just get this first page to be engaging without sounding dramatic, and still offer sufficient info... it's a challenge  ;)

Cheers,
Posty

Offline Posty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 57
  • Things are only impossible until they're not!
Re: Woud you read on? First page of a novel...
« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2008, 03:08:26 PM »
Okay, you might think I'm a glutten for punishment, but I really feel I'm learning a lot here, so I hope you'll bear with me as I give it another shot.  I'd really appreciate your views on this latest effort.   Is it better?  Would you read on?

Thanks in advance...
Posty
..................................
Chapter 1:  The Loss

    Needan stared down from the cliff’s edge, like a vulture poised on a dead tree limb.  Unlike the vulture, he silently pleaded for a sign of life from the body of the boy, fifty feet below.  An anvil of black cloud scraped over him, and the sudden downpour faded to a drizzle.

    He turned away, only to see the horror reflected in the eyes of his two friends.  Myles’ complexion, normally red and puffy like his hair, was drawn and ghost white.  Drizzle rinsed his face, but it couldn’t hide the bloodshot eyes that mingled tears with the raindrops.

    “Four Swords,” said Myles.  “There’s supposed to be four.”

    Needan paused, unsure what to do, but Sherath spread a long, spindly arm around Myles’ shoulders and drew him close.

    “Dimeon will be okay,” Sherath said.

    All three of them knew it was a lie.

    Needan shook his head.  “No, he’s gone.  We have to tell the others.  We can’t just stand here and hope and cry any longer.  They have to know.”

    Myles nodded but didn’t move.  He just stared at the ruts in the mud that stopped at the edge of the cliff.  Needan followed them too... Sherath and Myles had sprung from the trees, screaming and flying at them in mock ambush.  He had somehow sensed the attack and ducked, sending Myles flying over his back.  Myles staggered into Dimeon, who sprawled from the blow.  Dimeon hopped to keep his balance, doing a little jig might have even been comical, were it not cut short when he tripped over the outcropping of rock.  Next Dimeon was on the ground.  He scratched for something to hold, but slid past the last few stunted trees that grew out from the rock face.  The scream froze everything.

    Needan’s hands instinctively covered his ears to muffle the piercing cry before realizing it was just a memory.
........................

Offline johnnyh2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Characters I make from clay
    • Johnny Heath's World
Re: Woud you read on? First page of a novel...
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2008, 03:48:33 PM »
Hi Posty.
Em, I didn't have a clue what was going on.
It sounded like a section taken from the middle of a chapter, half way through a book. Not an opening. Apparently you're supposed to hook me with the opening
line(s). This didn't.

I'm a complete novice at all this, but I'm not sure about having four names to remember before I've even reached the bottom of page one.

Critiqueing other writers work is not something I'm used to (my problem - not yours), but it all sounded a little confusing. All I could tell was there were four lads out in the rain.

Oh ... anvil, and cloud? I don't think they're words that that fit well together.

Sorry - wish I could help, but I can't, except to say ... no, I wouldn't carry on reading.

Hope that wasn't too curt.
Regards,
Johnny.

ps ... only talking about the first posting. Just saw there's another, which I haven't yet read
« Last Edit: August 14, 2008, 03:51:35 PM by johnnyh2 »

Offline johnnyh2

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Characters I make from clay
    • Johnny Heath's World
Re: Woud you read on? First page of a novel...
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2008, 04:03:24 PM »
Hi, me again.
Wow, that last posting sounds like someone else's writing, showing you how the first posting should/could have been.

It's tonnes more interesing. I'd probably carry on reading.

Johnny.

Offline Posty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 57
  • Things are only impossible until they're not!
Re: Woud you read on? First page of a novel...
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2008, 02:43:22 PM »
Thanks Johnny,
I paused at the first response, wondering if I'd somehow mistook the former critiques and hadn't gotten anywhere with it, but was relieved when reading your second reply.  The comments fellow writers make on this site are fantastic, and I agree, implementing the suggested changes has made this a much better read. 

I haven't seen evidence of Wolfe prowling around lately, and I'm sure he'd still strip up some things in the latest version, but I owe him thanks for some really helpful edits.  Thanks Wolfe!  (notice that it's my only exclamation mark in this response ;) )

Cheers,
Posty