Poll

Do any of these hook you?

Number 1
Number 2
Number 3
They all suck

Author Topic: My Opening Line...  (Read 1571 times)

Offline rewh2oman

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My Opening Line...
« on: August 15, 2008, 06:19:51 PM »
Would any of these opening lines want you to read more? Please let me know (yes or no) and why (yes or no).

#1
"Hey, you kids, get outta here. What do ya think yer doiní on my property?" yelled the gray-bearded, old man from his second story window.

#2
The screams coming from old man Miller's house were sounding different tonight, "I told you to get the hell out of here."

#3
Earnest Miller poked his head out of his second story window, "Hey, you kids, get the hell out of here."

...Russ

Offline ma100

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2008, 06:33:40 PM »
Hi Russ to me line 2 sounded exciting but I would change were sounding to sounded.

I am probably wrong but I hope it helps
Ma :)

Orpheus

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2008, 07:31:32 PM »
Russ you kill me. I must have read this opening about six times, are you still sweating on it?

Sorry buddy..... I'm about to press the buzzer. You know what I'm going to say right?  :D

Orpheus

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2008, 07:32:17 PM »
Ouch, that felt cruel. >:(

Offline rewh2oman

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2008, 07:48:33 PM »
Thanks MA

Yep, I'm still sweating (and rewriting/editing). I feel I have a good overall story. But something about it just doesn't feel right.  :-\

...russ

Orpheus

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2008, 07:57:45 PM »
Russ,
 Let's put your question another way. You're asking if one of these sentences is a hook - a hook good enough to draw the reader into your story.
What's actually happening here, is an old man is shouting down to a group of kids. Some people might find that intriguing, but... 
It doesn't feel right to me. :) 

Offline BrigidMary

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2008, 08:09:00 PM »
I think number 2 is good. I think getting rid of the dialogue would make it brilliant:

The screams from old man Miller's house were sounding different tonight.

Then start your dialogue on the next line.

Just my two cents.
Brigid Kemmerer
Author of <b><i>Storm: The Elemental Series</i></b>, coming April 24, 2012 from K Teen (Kensington Books)

Offline rewh2oman

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2008, 08:22:39 PM »
And a good 2 cents they are, BrigidMary. Something for me to think about.   :)

Yes, a "hook" is what I'm after. I'm trying to get as much feedback as possible. I thought if I just posted a line I'd get more response.

...russ

Orpheus

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Re: My Opening Line...
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2008, 08:31:15 PM »
I agree with the girls that line 2 is the best of the bunch, trouble is... the guy's not really screaming is he? (not if I remember the chapter well) - he's actually shouting. You're in danger of trying so hard to grab attention you overdo the description. Also (and this is just my reaction to all story openings in general), I switch off immediately when I read the words, blood, gun or scream - I'm actually immune to these words because they have been written into openings so many times... Truly, as a reader, I want something more imaginative, that sucks me in.
Sadly you're the only person who can conjure that up... if I sweat over something this much, I get ruthless and simply delete it. Nine times out of ten, it don't look right because it ain't meant to be there. Sorry, my opinion of course. :)