Author Topic: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'  (Read 4216 times)

Offline robertmblevins

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Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« on: July 07, 2008, 02:56:57 AM »
I removed the draft script. Thank you for your comments.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2008, 03:48:00 AM by robertmblevins »

Offline ma100

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Re: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2008, 05:27:00 AM »
Impressive. To be honest Rob. I read this to try and pick
up some hints on script writing, and I have.
Good stuff ;)
Ma

Offline robertmblevins

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Re: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2008, 03:35:55 AM »
Unless you already have screenwriting software, I highly recommend Celtx as the best free option. It's full-featured.

Yeah...thanks for the comment but I noticed a few errors in the script as I reviewed it just now. When you do a screenplay, you are ALWAYS going back and fixing it. It's worse than doing novel changes. (laughs)

Offline ma100

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Re: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2008, 03:39:21 AM »
Haha Ol Yes. As I am still learning I have more errors than most in mine. But as i learn a bit more I correct a bit more. I do use Final draft.

Offline RockGOD

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Re: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2008, 01:47:26 PM »
tnh i only read the first quarter or so of this screenplay, it just didnt grab me.

from wat i read tho, the first line of dialogue "...tanks off good, Miguel" i dont like.

Good just doesnt work, not on paper and not in my head.

And u repeat the phrase "back to san diego" twice in 3 lines.

And "the famous Barbara"...i dunno. summat about it just doesnt feel right. it doesnt tell me enough about who she is. i assume u mean shes famous to him and his friends, and not a worldwide superstar? why is she famous? for being an exceptional girlfriend that this girl ferris cant stop talkin about? in which case, miguel hardly need ask who his date is. u see wat i mean? it just doesnt fit.

er thats pretty much as far as i got.

Offline robertmblevins

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Re: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2008, 11:16:22 PM »
Yeah...this was a quick first draft. It's been extensively edited since then. I spotted the repeat on 'San Diego', too.

Offline bailish

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Re: Screenplay 'Pilot Down, Presumed Dead'
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2008, 12:37:09 AM »
In general, you are telling a lot more than I think is acceptable.  Also, you are lining up shots, which is not the role of the writer.  Only the director should call those shots.

I felt Miguel and Steve’s conversation was on the border of being exposition, especially since he called him Senor Ferris. If they were more casual, this would be better.  Can you reveal this information differently?

“It's obvious both he and the RADIOMAN know Ferris well.”  “Ferris sees the ocean coming up fast.”  How would you show that in a movie?

“INT. CESSNA - CONTINUOUS
Ferris sees the beaches, islands, and blue water of the Baja coast.”
I think what you mean is that the camera is panning the water.  Some directors may call foul on this, as the shot setup is the director’s call, not the writer’s.

“That's funny. It was calm as a millpond on the way down this morning. “
Has he forgotten about Miguel’s warning?

“Where the hell am I? Can't see a damn thing out there!”
While it might be realistic to say this in real life, it sounds cheesy in a movie.