Author Topic: Afterthought (supershort)  (Read 3019 times)

Offline davidleejones13

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Afterthought (supershort)
« on: June 24, 2008, 03:42:40 AM »
My body tensed and reacted instinctively, trying to hold close the gift my mother had bestowed upon me. Before me the churning void of darkness beckoned and crooned its age old song, a siren call dulling my senses and dreamingly demanding I submit.

Though my arms and legs were afire with the pricks of a billion pins and needles I pushed through their searing heat once more. I gulped a mouthful of air and took that final step into the unknown, just as my wife did moments before me. I kept her image in my mind lighting a dull fire within my soul. The icy water quickly snuffed out the flames feeble warmth as I could no longer hold the spent breath.

As my body's blood fell back to it's last point of retreat, hopelessly abandoning my extremities, my dying brain fired it's last thought across dimming synapses.
"Come experience adventure on an Alaskan cruise..."

Offline Big T

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2008, 05:30:07 AM »
Lee,
I don't know why, but I burst out laughing at the last line. I don't suppose this is the least bit helpful, but it is the truth!  ;D
Big T  :o

Offline davidleejones13

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2008, 05:45:01 AM »
Big T,
Not at all the reaction I was after, but if amuses you, then atleast it was worth the read, eh?
Thanks for reading, and laughing. ;D

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2008, 07:27:37 AM »
Cool, nice little piece Lee.

c

Offline davidleejones13

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2008, 10:32:03 AM »
Thank you Chris.
I was thinking, would it be more powerful if I made the ship at the end the Titanic?
The Alaskan cruise may be more of a statement...
What do you think?

Offline Big T

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2008, 10:58:18 AM »
It would have had more meaning (to me) ... and I wouldn't have laughed.
T
Big T  :o

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2008, 10:59:34 AM »
Titanic = no laughter and Alaskan Cruise = Laughter      ...



chris

Offline Big T

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2008, 11:14:57 AM »
Think about it Chris,

The first three paras ... excellently written ... bring us to the dying moment.

Switch ... Holiday goes wrong .... sure, I laughed ... and I now know that was not the intention.

Switch back ... same three paras ... Titanic ... a known disaster ... no laughing matter.
Big T  :o

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2008, 11:25:47 AM »
Yep, just what i thought.. 

chris

PS.  now go read my part II to Exorcise the Demon ..  oops shameless

Offline davidleejones13

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2008, 10:22:47 AM »
I think I like it the way it is.
I do not mind that there is chuckling at the end.
What do you guys think, should I change it?

Offline Fagins girl

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2008, 11:36:02 AM »
David,

I have to admit I too laughed and I wouldn`t change it ;D. It`s great!

If you do decide to write something about the titanic though I would love to read it. That in itself is a great idea and I`m sure you could do it well!

FG xx

Offline ma100

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2008, 07:20:18 AM »
For me Lee the ending would be the Titanic.
Take care
Ma :)

Offline davidleejones13

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Re: Afterthought (supershort)
« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2008, 01:36:21 AM »
Thanks Fagin's Girl,
thanks Ma.
I may do some research and write something about the Titanic. I tend to go down roads a bit "less traveled" though.
Ma, Love the new hat.
FGirl, thank you so much for reading my work.

Lee