Author Topic: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?  (Read 14827 times)

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #30 on: June 25, 2008, 03:05:58 PM »
Thanks anyway.
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #31 on: June 25, 2008, 05:30:21 PM »
Wolf
As an observer from the sidelines with the same problems, I want to say 'thank you'. I have read alot of books on this subject but have learned more in the last few minutes than I ever did from the books.
Thanks again.
JHM

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #32 on: June 26, 2008, 03:52:19 AM »
Thank you.   :D

Wolfe

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #33 on: June 27, 2008, 07:09:56 PM »
Yet another try  :-\. This is the second paragraph...come one people anything good?


SURVIVAL OF THE BROKEN is a science fiction novel. My manuscript is 87,000 words. Strong female

heroines and Science Fiction are gaining a wide audience. I myself enjoy a good story of female fury such

as  Jeanine Frosts Night Huntress series. Though my tale is darker it holds just as much depth with

lingering sadness and hope.
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Wolfe

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #34 on: June 28, 2008, 06:44:17 AM »
I shudder every time I see fiction and novel so close together.   You don't want anything that even looks remotely like 'fiction novel' in your query.  I'd combine the first and second sentences to ease that problem.  The rest of this devolves into telling again.  Remember, you don't want to tell an agent that your tale is darker (for example), you want to show them.

Just my humble opinion.

Wolfe

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #35 on: June 28, 2008, 02:23:08 PM »
 :'( fustration is eating away at me.  :-\
« Last Edit: June 28, 2008, 02:29:51 PM by ChristineK. »
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Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #36 on: June 28, 2008, 02:29:17 PM »
SURVIVAL OF THE BROKEN is a my science fiction manuscript at 87,000 words. Dragonfly is darker than

Xena: warrior princess and deadlier with her blades. Fighting is an art to her, a fatal dance. No enemy

wields a stronger or heartless view of human life.
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Offline Andrewf

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #37 on: June 28, 2008, 03:01:10 PM »
Christine, Don't know if you've tried these... but I found this site that may be of interest wrt your query letter.

http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #38 on: June 28, 2008, 03:32:37 PM »
At this point i can use all the help i can get. Thank you!

Chris
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Offline Andrewf

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #39 on: June 28, 2008, 03:35:30 PM »
The bits I really like are the links to examples they have at the bottom of the page  ;D
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

Tales from the Circle - A charitable read. http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1146002
Ask about eBook versions if required.

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #40 on: June 28, 2008, 04:27:28 PM »
That did give me some inspiration, Andrew.  ;D

 Dear (name)
    When the innocent are broken, she will stand among them with  blades ready to cut down the enemy.
   
Dragonfly must save the Known universe while surviving her shattered past. Dragonfly has been

a princess, a slave and is now a mercenary. Traveling the planets in the Known Universe to find the father

that sold her into slavery and keep far from the master, Mercer, who loves her. All the while mourning for

her lost love, Jack, who is really still alive.

   SURVIVAL OF THE BROKEN is  my science fiction manuscript at 87,000 words. Dragonfly is darker

and deadlier with her blades. Fighting is an art to her, a fatal dance. No enemy wields a stronger or heartless

view of mankind.

   Thank you for your time and consideration. I’ve included….sample chapter….The full manuscript

is available upon request.

« Last Edit: June 29, 2008, 03:32:38 PM by ChristineK. »
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Offline nightowl

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #41 on: June 28, 2008, 06:07:55 PM »
Christine,

Nobody ever said writing a query was easy, but you are hanging in there.  I've been away but I see you have been busy.

The writing is still muddy but you've come a long way.  You confuse me with Xena but not being a science fiction fan that may just be me.  I'm wondering if Xena another princess in the story?   

I'm tossing out a sentence I've pulled together from what you've written.  Maybe it will give you a new jumping off place or a new idea of how to approach the paragraph describing your book. 

Dragonfly, a princess who escaped enslavement and the master who came to love her, is now a warrior who stands ready to defend the innocent while traveling the planets of the known universe in search of her father who sold her into slavery. 

Can you build on this?  You only need two more tight sentences for this section of your letter.

As writers, we are all on the same path--some of us taking first steps, others well along on the road.  Those who write because they must are obliged to step over those who abandon their dreams because the way is rocky and steep.

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #42 on: June 28, 2008, 06:51:27 PM »
You've never heard of XENA! lol. Lucy lawless...it was a tv series spin off of Hercules. Used to watch it all the time.  ;D
Yea, i refuse to give up. Although i might pull all my hair out by the time i final have a good query.  :-\
I will try to build on it. Thanks.
Chris
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Offline eric

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #43 on: June 29, 2008, 03:10:55 PM »
Christine,

Zena is a strong and charismatic character, but I think you need to delete the reference to her.  Your story needs to stand on its own legs, and no editor is going to want to hear you talk about TV in the precious few moments you have to convince them of the value of your own work.  What would an editor say to a query letter from me that compares my heroine to Buffy the Vampire Slayer?  He or she won't think better of my piece because I reference Buffy, he/she will think worse because I'm trying to ride Buffy's coattails.

Offline Wicked Redhead

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Re: New query.... Its less than a page....need advice! good or bad?
« Reply #44 on: June 30, 2008, 11:26:54 PM »
Yeah, you're right. My brain is just not clicking with this query.  >:(
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