Traditionally, query letters are divided into three paragraphs: Hook, conflict & resolution paragraph (first), plot and book information paragraph (second) and biography paragraph (last). The last line at the bottom is the thank you.
Example:
Dear Mr./Ms. NAME:
George didn't come to Chicago to exchange body fluids ... well, maybe he did but not like this! He thought vampires were fantasies stuck in places like crypts, B-movies and corporate America, but when he's made into one the hunters turned out just as real and they want him dead. Life might suck, yet undeath bites as George discovers in his search for a cure that doesn't involve stakes, sunlight or super powered ninja-nuns.
SPURNED AND TURNED is an 80,000-word humorous novel. Similar to Moore's Bloodsucking Fiends, it takes place over a period of one week. I wrote this as a deliberate mockumentary towards all the recent vampire/supernatural romances that flooded the market as of late.
I'm a member of the Chicago Writer's Guild of North America and an active journalist for the Chicago Sun Times. I'm also the recipient of the Chicago Star for creative writing and one of my short stories was awarded second place in the Humorous Tales Competition of Illinois in 2006.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
NAME
Let’s break down what I did.
Dear Mr./Ms. NAME:
George didn't come to Chicago to exchange body fluids ... well, maybe he did but not like this! (HOOK) He thought vampires were fantasies stuck in places like crypts, B-movies and corporate America, but when he's made into one the hunters turned out just as real and they want him dead. (CONFLICT) Life might suck, yet undeath bites as George discovers in his search for a cure that doesn't involve stakes, sunlight or super powered ninja-nuns. (RESOLUTION)
SPURNED AND TURNED (CAPS ALL TITLE) is an 80,000-word humorous novel (title, word count, genre). Similar to Moore's Bloodsucking Fiends, it takes place over a period of one week (comparison to what is on the market. This also tells where the book will sit on the shelf. Also demonstrates the time frame). I wrote this as a deliberate mockumentary towards all the recent vampire/supernatural romances that flooded the market as of late (Marketing, my target audience, and why I am the writer for this book).
I'm a member of the Chicago Writer's Guild of North America and an active journalist for the Chicago Sun Times (writing credits). I'm also the recipient of the Chicago Star for creative writing and one of my short stories was awarded second place in the Humorous Tales Competition of Illinois in 2006 (This shows my work is recognized as having merit).
Thank you for your time and attention (Simple with no givens).
Now let’s review what you did.
Dear (name)
I seek representation for (name), a science fiction/romance novel. My completed manuscript is approximately 87, 000 words.
This manuscript is the beginning of Dragonfly. She was once a princess who was sold into slavery by her father. Her first and only master changed her heart into something black and hard. She escapes him only to return to the world pregnant with his child. No longer a slave she changes her name to Leigh. She gives birth around the time Raw’d is introduced. He was told by the famous Seer that together they would save the Known Universe. They leave her child in a haven on planet Arkon. Making there way to another only to find that they are hired as mercenaries to find a lost princess. This endeavor leaves our heroine saddened. The princess, so much like herself, is killed. Unable to be saved she tortures the culprit, the kings own brother. An urgent message from the Seer has Raw’d and Leigh onward to another planet. The man behind the kidnapped was no one other than her father. On Gelva she has a close call with her former master. Finally catching up and exacting revenge on her dastardly father. Her heart still aches for the man she loved, Jack, was killed by his hands. Only at the end, Jack appears. Having landed on the planet as Leigh leaves. He never stops searching for his lost princess.
If you are interested in representing me please give me a call at *-***-***-****, email me at Loveofwriting18@yahoo.com or return the SASE enclosed. Thank you so much for your time and attention.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Christine K*******
1. The first thing that jars me is the lack of spaces between paragraphs. That alone will get you rejected because the format is wrong.
2. A given is something that's understood between you and the agent you query. “I seek representation” is a given.
3. You start your query with no hook. This is bad. You want to draw in the reader with curiousity, suspense, drama, anything that grabs attention and forces the reader to continue. This is true for a novel as well, but is critical in a query. You start with a given. Change this.
4. “a science fiction/romance novel” – Instant rejection again. You must pick ONE genre. This makes it look like you cannot choose one. If you cannot choose, how is the agent going to sell it to a publisher. Science fiction and romance span two very different sections in the bookstore. This alone will mark you as an unfocused amateur. Pick a genre and one genre most likely for the novel.
5. “My completed manuscript is approximately 87, 000 words.” Remove the word ‘completed’ as it is understood or better be completed if you query for representation. Remove the adverb ‘approximately’ as it is wordy and not needed.
6. “This manuscript is the beginning of Dragonfly.” There are three things wrong with this.
A. Dragonfly—if the title—needs to be CAPS ALL. This alone marks you as a professional.
B. Never, ever mention series when you query your book. You query the one work alone. I wouldn’t even mention the work has potential as a series. This gives you the appearance of being--again--unfocused. Don’t do it.
C. You ‘tell’ the agent and not ‘show’ the work. This is the most classic mistake novelists make. You must demonstrate your skill. Don’t tell me you are a good writer … show me.
7. “She was once a princess who was sold into slavery by her father. Her first and only master changed her heart into something black and hard. She escapes him only to return to the world pregnant with his child. No longer a slave she changes her name to Leigh. She gives birth around the time Raw’d is introduced. He was told by the famous Seer that together they would save the Known Universe. They leave her child in a haven on planet Arkon. Making there way to another only to find that they are hired as mercenaries to find a lost princess. This endeavor leaves our heroine saddened. The princess, so much like herself, is killed. Unable to be saved she tortures the culprit, the kings own brother. An urgent message from the Seer has Raw’d and Leigh onward to another planet. The man behind the kidnapped was no one other than her father. On Gelva she has a close call with her former master. Finally catching up and exacting revenge on her dastardly father. Her heart still aches for the man she loved, Jack, was killed by his hands. Only at the end, Jack appears. Having landed on the planet as Leigh leaves. He never stops searching for his lost princess.”
A. No. This is not a query. This is a summary. Sum up the plot—the main plot—in one to three sentences. Yes, I’m serious. Talk about the protagonist, the conflict, and leave out all the minor characters. If you cannot sum up the main plot or conflict in ONE sentence, consider whether the novel lacks focus.
B. Passive voice dominates. Linking verbs, perfect past tense, and to be words indicate the lack of action. Count the numbers of ‘was’ in this. Now count ‘is’. Finally, find other forms of ‘to be’ such as has, are, etc. Now replace them all with action words.
C. Other markers I noticed that need review are repetition, heavy adjective/adverb use, wordiness, minor clichés, and grammar errors. All these cause rejections. Let’s pick one random sentence:
“Unable to be saved she tortures the culprit, the kings own brother.”
Unable to be (here’s that to be again) saved (needs a comma here) she tortures (telling not showing) the culprit, (a dash here is more appropriate) the kings (should be king’s) own (as opposed to his non-brother; pointless word) brother.
8. If you are interested in representing me please give me a call at *-***-***-****, email me at Loveofwriting18@yahoo.com or return the SASE enclosed.
A. No. Remove this. Your contact information should be at the top or bottom of your query letter. This screams amateur.
B. I have an issue with your e-mail address. It’s minor, but remember you want to create an image of a professional. Use your real name or anything more business-like. This is a business letter—a professional letter.
C. ‘Or return the SASE enclosed’ – this is almost insulting. The agent knows how to respond if they choose to respond. It is also another given. Remove it.
9. Thank you so much for your time and attention.
I look forward to hearing from you.
A. Don’t do this. This smells of booty kissing. Sorry. It’s also a given.
B. Thank you for your time and attention is more than enough. End your letter as a professional, not as a amateur begging for a scrap of attention.
10. Nothing at all about you.
11. No comparison to other novels.
12. No writing credentials or experience noted.
Overall, your query needs a lot of work. It needs tightening. Start over with the basics and re-post it. Also, remember that if you go fantasy, your novel’s conflict MUST stand out. Fantasy demand a new perspective. If you feel your conflict is old hat, consider revising.
Hope that wasn’t too harsh. Just my humble opinion.
Wolfe
