Author Topic: From Yesterday  (Read 4815 times)

Offline Elyse Elwood

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From Yesterday
« on: June 05, 2008, 01:31:46 PM »
This is something little I started to throw together.  I'm trying to learn how to write a screenplay but for the most part I can't afford any software or classes.  So I've been talking to some and reviewing some other screenplays...so please, if you know anything...any pointer would be greatly appriated. ;D

Scene One

EXT. SMALL HOUSE WITH FENCE Ė AFTER NOON

GABRIEL, 23, messy auburn hair, green eyes, extremely pale, stands outside the fence looking at the house.  He reaches out grabbing the latch to the gate, but hesitates to open it.  Taking in a deep breath, he pushes it open and walks toward the front door. 

INT. FRONT YARD

There is a small cement staircase that leads to the door, walking up onto it; he stops looking at a little garden to the left.  A small stone angel sits in it holding onto a circle stone with small handprints.  Above the handprints it says: ĎGabrielí in colorful marbles.  Gabriel looks back at the door raising a fist ready to knock.  But instead, he lowers his hand and turns away to leave.

Gabriel makes it to the steps when the door abruptly flies open.  WILLIAM, 57, tall, white hair, green eyes, comes bursting onto the small front porch.  He stands there looking at Gabrielís back.

WILLIAM:
Iím not interested in any religion, and I
wonít buy anything.  Take us off your list
and (shouts) LEAVE US ALONE!

Gabriel does not move he does not make a sound.

WILLIAM:
Turn around so I can see you take our names
off your list.

Slowly, Gabriel turns around to look at him.  The color leaves Williamís face as he falls back against the side of the house.

GABRIEL:
(whispers)
Hi dad.

End Scene

Offline ma100

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2008, 03:36:18 PM »
 
Quote
I'm trying to learn how to write a screenplay

You and me both Elyse. ;D

Okay there is a free software called Celtx that you can download. I don't know how good it is as I have never used it myself but I found out about it the other week. Now it's the blind leading the blind here so if I cock up someone will be along some time to clear up my howlers. You don't number scenes as you don't know where that scene will end up in position. I found this one out to my cost. ;D I don't think you need  INT.FRONT YARD as it could be all in one shot, but I am not sure on this though.

You seem to have the rest okay without a software. The only thing I will say is you can only show visible actions and not thoughts in the descriptions. This is another thing I made a mistake on.

Hope this helps a bit

Mairi




midnightcandle

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2008, 04:17:10 PM »
Hey mairi. you beat me to it :D
Mairi is right when she talks about the one shot. I will take the liberty for a quick re-write as I would write it. Only my opinion - not gospel



EXT. SMALL HOUSE WITH FENCE Ė DAY

GABRIEL, 23, messy auburn hair, green eyes, extremely pale, stands outside the fence looking at the house.  He grabs the latch to the gate. He hesitates to open it.
He takes a deep breath and pushes it open.
He walks slowly toward the front door. 
He walks up the small set of concrete stairs. He pauses to look at a little garden to the left.

Gabriel's POV
There is a small stone circle with little handprints on it. A small stone angel holds the stone.  Above the handprints it says: ĎGabrielí in colorful marbles.
Gabriel looks back at the door raising a fist ready to knock.
He lowers his hand and turns to leave.

Gabriel makes it to the steps when the door abruptly flies open.

WILLIAM, 57, tall, white hair, green eyes, comes bursting onto the small front porch.  He stands there looking at Gabrielís back.

WILLIAM:
Iím not interested in any religion, and I
wonít buy anything.  Take us off your list
and --
(shouts)
leave us alone!

Gabriel does not move he does not make a sound.

WILLIAM:
Turn around so I can see you take our names
off your list.

Gabriel turns around slowly to look at him.  The color leaves Williamís face as he falls back against the side of the house.

GABRIEL:
(whispers)
Hi dad.

[/quote]

Cut double spaces after sentences.
Don't be afraid of white space.
If your page is 1 minute of screen time and there is only 10 lines of text put more line spaces in. Any scriptreader won't mind - less for them to read.

Daryl. :)

Offline Elyse Elwood

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2008, 04:34:00 PM »
Ok...so when you have GABRIEL'S POV that means point of view?  That way the camera people know what's going on?  I want to double check becuase I know that's what it stands for when you're writing a novel or a short story.

Also...thanks everybody for the suggestions.

midnightcandle

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2008, 04:36:58 PM »
same as Point of view

Offline Qbstretch

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2008, 03:30:35 PM »
midnight n ma100 took care of the most grammer n formating the basically cover it all, but you did a good job pacing the scene wen u ending it with a question but try to have every aspect of your scene work the same way Example.....

remember set questions and answer the moment by moment scene to scene sequence to sequence  this will drive your story forward, a movie is a series of CLIPS cut n pasted together like a comic book...think about it... example

action: person in desert holds flask upside down
question: will he drink?
answer/action: no the flask is empty, he sees an oasis in the distance he runs to it
question: will there be water there?
answer/action: no its a marriage
question: how will he survive now?
answer/action: don't know, he falls to his knees
question: is he going to die
answer/action: yes... a man on a camel approaches him
question: who is this man? is he saved?

GET IT????

The process of using each clip is to set a question in the audiences mind then the next clip answers it but at the same time asks a new question n so on, movie r linked by Q & A. And as soon as you get to a major question thats the perfect time to end the scene of cut to: somewhere else to another location with other characters so well worry about wats happening to the character we just left then u do the same to the characters were with now then cut n answer wat happened to the 1st character we left...or u can answer them as u like u dont always have to switch to new ppl u can continue frm anywere u can even use the same charter and jus put them in a different place

haven't you always notice as soon as a big question comes to the audience mind they cut to another scene or on tv the goto a commercial lol its because it keeps you sticking around for the answer/resolution/reaction scene

so is this the 1st time he meets his dad, do him and his dad have a bad realationship have the not seen each other in a long time thats what im think and waiting to find out which is good

oh yea good name mines is Gabriel

midnightcandle

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2008, 04:04:55 PM »
Hiya QB. That was a really good way of putting it. I learnt something as well. thank you. ;)

Offline LovelyLucretia

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2008, 02:41:45 PM »
Hey, I enjoyed this!  I don't know anything about scripts but it sounds like everybody else does so LISTEN TO THEM!!  Good luck
Jubal Early: Where'd she go?

Simon Tam: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporally posessing a spaceship.  Don't look at me.

-Firefly

Offline Alan Ayoub

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2008, 03:31:57 PM »
QB broke it down very well....think in pictures, write in pictures. You'll get your software someday, but keep writing today! Your biggest asset is you...good luck
Quote

 a movie is a series of CLIPS cut n pasted together like a comic book...think about it...


Show up, Suit up, and write damn it!

Alan Ayoub

Offline Stinger

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Re: From Yesterday
« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2008, 09:03:37 AM »
Unlike any other writing genre sdript writing is a very dynamic one.I mean you lways have to be at your best and no single script writer can claim to know everything.Okay? The first, very first thing about writing scripts is be very sure you want to do it because it takes a really long time to ever see your dreams come true but if you are ready to join the bandwagon of unemployed screenwriters here we go: get a great story idea. That's the most important. Once you've got it learn to write short and sharp:

GABRIEL, 23, messy auburn hair, green eyes, extremely pale, stands outside the fence looking at the house.  He reaches out grabbing the latch to the gate, but hesitates to open it.  Taking in a deep breath, he pushes it open and walks toward the front door. 

Notice something wrong anywhere? I'll tell you. We don't over-do descriptions in a script unless there is some significance to the rest of the story. Something like green eyes, auburn hair, its not that important and as for the action description every action has to be immediate so wrods like abruptly should be avoided at all costs. Other directionals like say taking a deep breath you, leave it to the actors and directors unless such actions have some siginificance like say throwing out some kinda clue.