Author Topic: The Wishing Well (Part One)  (Read 1348 times)

Offline davidleejones13

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The Wishing Well (Part One)
« on: June 03, 2008, 01:24:36 PM »
When I was in my young teens me, my brother and sister were sent to spend a summer on my uncle's farm in upstate New York. Mom and Dad were having a rough time of it and, even though they were trying to work things out, I was the only one of the three kids old enough to understand this would be their last summer together.

My Uncle was getting pretty old, so there wasn't really any farming going on at his old place. My Aunt Gertrude had died eight years ago, and though Uncle Ralph was always a bit crazy, he had now become a full fledged Kook since her death. It was hard getting away from his rambling stories about space aliens, dragons and cavemen. He was adamant about having seen all of them with his own "flesh and blood" eyes.

After Uncle would go to sleep after these long summer days, and believe me, to a thirteen year old, these seemed to last an eternity, me and my siblings would play Dungeons and Dragons. Well, we did not have any dice, or modules, so basically it was me telling my brother and sister medieval stories and allowing them to role play with their imaginations.

On the rare occasions Uncle Ralph would go into town, once a week for supplies, me, my brother and sister would go out exploring my Uncle's farm. Our overly cautious parents had instructed our Uncle not to let us out of his sight, so we found ourselves eagerly anticipating the weekly break from the old Kooks ramblings.

By the third week, Steve, Jennifer and I were getting extremely antsy when the weekly hallowed uncle free day finally arrived.

"Now don't you kids wander too far," he warned as he climbed into the ancient rusted Ford he called a car. He motioned me over. "Lee, you are in charge so watch em close."

We watched with giddy anticipation as the car turned around, all too slowly, in the dirt drive. He stopped in front of the three of us and rolled down his dusty window.

"Now you kids stay out of the woods on the west end of the cow pasture," he warned with a stern voice, "if I hear tell of you youngins goin down there, I promise you, there will be trouble!" As he spoke the last phrase he shook his fist threateningly in the air before slamming his car into drive and tearing off down the drive leaving us in a cloud of choking dust.

"Well, that was a bit ominous," my brother Steve exclaimed.

"What are we going to do Lee?" My little sister asked me tugging on my sleeve and looking up into my face with mischievous blue eyes. I looked down into those eyes and muttered the answer I knew all too well she was hoping to hear.

"We are going to explore," I stated with a wide grin for I knew we were all thinking the same exact thing,  "the woods on the west end of the cow pasture of course!"

My brother and sister high fived one another as I put the ear plugs of my iPod in. As we began to make our way across the cow pasture towards the west end woods, I tuned out to the sounds of Bowling for Soup, while my brother and sister gleefully tossed dried out cow patties at one another.

Little did we know our boring summer on Uncle Ralph's farm was about to get much more exciting...
« Last Edit: June 06, 2008, 04:42:30 AM by davidleejones13 »

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wishing Well (Part One)
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2008, 04:17:21 AM »
Hi Lee . This was a good start to your tale but knowing you, it's
going to get creepy. The only thing I wondered about was when
this was supposed to be. The Ipod was the thing that threw me
I am not sure how long they have been about.
Take care
Mairi :)

PaulW

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Re: The Wishing Well (Part One)
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2008, 04:42:18 AM »
You need an apostrophe in uncle's on the first line and it is role-play not roll play (though that works as well for a dice game dunnit? ;D )

It's a good intro - you can almost see the storm clouds on the horizon (metaphorically of course). I'd seriously lost the 'Little did they know' line at the end though, it's a real groaner that should never be used outside of re-runs of the rocky horror picture show. :)

You need to tighten up the writing in a couple of places, but nothing you can't sort out in an edit. I'm not sure if you're going for a particular voice with some of the attributions,  'my younger brother Steve exclaimed' for example. Just use an exclamation mark.

Also you are overdoing the relationship - we've already got that you're the eldest - you've got one brother Steve, one sister Jennifer - no need to keep explaining. You can use 'us' or 'we' when you've defined the group.

Nice start - sort of charming.



Offline Andrewf

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Re: The Wishing Well (Part One)
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2008, 07:04:18 AM »
Interesting start... I wonder if this will proceed as people expect  ???  ;D

As this is told from Lee's point of view, we can assume that he survives... at least in some form ;D ;D ;D

The only thing that jumped up at me was this bit...

Quote
My Aunt Gertrude had died eight years ago, and though Uncle Ralph was always a bit crazy, he had now become a full fledged Kook since our aunties death.


I'd change 'ago' to 'before'  and 'our aunties' to 'her' ;)

Quote
My Aunt Gertrude had died eight years before, and though Uncle Ralph was always a bit crazy, he had now become a full fledged Kook since her death.


Just my tuppence worth ;D
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Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wishing Well (Part One)
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2008, 04:08:09 PM »
Lee this has great prospects.. Tighten it up and let have another read!

Good post.

Chris