Author Topic: The Horde CH 5  (Read 1601 times)

Hunter

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The Horde CH 5
« on: May 25, 2008, 02:57:55 AM »
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« Last Edit: May 28, 2008, 04:39:53 PM by Hunter »

Offline jeanette

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Re: The Horde CH 5
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2008, 03:22:06 AM »
Hi Hunter

You have some very nice imagery here. I particularly liked "His heart punched against his ribs, like a boxer working a speedball" 

The action is fast and I got a got image of the buildings and layout, not always easy to do in an action piece.  The subject is also one close to my heart, I abhor animal experimentation.

Just one thing: You have Hunter, Amazon, Turk, Phoenix, Swain and ... Nina. I understand that she might be the only woman (we are not told about Amazon and Turk) and you need to get that across simply, but to me the name just doesn't fit well.

Just a suggestion, but you could call her Siketi, and a few paras in change it to something like:

"Siketi stopped at the corner. She flattened herself against the wall, peering around the edge before finally waving them on"

This is just MHO :)

All in all, an interesting read, and I would certainly read on.

cheers


\"Abandoned\" is available from www.lulu.com/content/2072117<br /><br />\"the Dragon\'s Promise is available from<br />www.lulu.com/content/8075592<br />visit my website at www.jeanettemccarthy.co.uk

Hunter

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Re: The Horde CH 5
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2008, 04:03:52 AM »
Thanks for pointing this out Jeanette,
 I'm just about to run through it and tidy it up so I'll look out for this. The names; Phoenix, Amazon and Turk are actually call-signs and were explained in a previous chapter. I've stuck with calling Nina, Hunter and Swain by their real names because they are the main characters and I didn't want to confuse the issue by giving them call-signs as well. In isolation, this chapter may look a little weird, but I put my stuff on the gallery so I can review it myself (yes I review my own work on here). Why? I don't know but I spot things that I wouldn't normally when I stick something on MWC . . . strange but true.

Thanks for reading ;D

Hunter     

Offline jeanette

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Re: The Horde CH 5
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2008, 04:05:20 AM »
Hi Hunter. I didn't realise the previous chapters were on here, i'll take a look.
\"Abandoned\" is available from www.lulu.com/content/2072117<br /><br />\"the Dragon\'s Promise is available from<br />www.lulu.com/content/8075592<br />visit my website at www.jeanettemccarthy.co.uk

Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Horde CH 5
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2008, 04:40:42 AM »
Most enjoyable Hunter.  ;D

I to, will go back and read the others. Well done.  :D
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Hunter

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Re: The Horde CH 5
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2008, 04:44:32 AM »
Thanks you two - In order to make sense of this one, you need to go a bit further down and read CH 3 (if you reeeeaaallly want to  ;))

The other chapters are spread through the review board and the gallery in no particular order so personally, I wouldn't even attempt to read them. You will get very confused . . . just as I do.

Cheers

Hunter