Author Topic: Not sure if this belongs here. Its a short fantasy piece - less than 600 words.  (Read 1524 times)

Offline redmeat73

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Ruin of Heblem.


The door abruptly flew open, scattering several chairs, before slamming heavily against the wall. The figure standing in the door way, illuminated by the light from within the room, stood watching for a moment.
The howling winter wind, loaded with driving snow rushed into the room, yanking and pulling at the occupants cloaks and clothing. The fire heaved, bullied by the wind and belched out a glut of ash and burning embers.


The inn, ’the Waylander-brag’, is nestled on the very northern edge of the frozen Gour desert and its only regular tenants’ are those Bray soldiers stationed at Bleak point willing to pay for its watered ale.


Three Bray dragoons, the last of the soldiers not to have returned to barracks, all looked up from their game of pragh.


Scattered in front of the men were stacks of gaming chips and in their hands they each clutched cards; slung over the backs of their chairs were there weapons and shields.
 

“Shut that poxy door, “spat the greasy, balding inn keeper.


With that the figure stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Looking over toward the bar, and from within the deep folds of his winter clothing he spoke in a clear, solid voice, “My horse won’t tend to itself.”


The stranger was a tall man, broad across the shoulders and chest and made to look larger still by his snow covered wrappings. At his side hung an ornate broad bladed sword and as he moved the quite clanking of armour could be heard from within his winter wear and above the whistling wind as it worried the shutters.


The strangers shield carried upon its face a solid black lion standard; the beast rising up on two legs clutched a trident, thrusting it out in front of itself.


“What” spluttered the inn keeper, “This inn has been in me family...” but before he was able finish speaking his tongue froze in the roof of his mouth.


The black lion of Heblem was nothing in not a bad omen.


Ignoring the stares, the stranger sat, with his back to the bar, in front of the open fire and set about removing his frozen clothing. Once finished he waited for the waddling inn keeper to reappear.


The figures armour, what little of it could be seen, was of an old and out dated style, but had been kept in immaculate condition. The exposed dark plates that covered the shoulders and arms were embossed with a lighter shade of metal. The patterns were ornate and intricate.


The soldiers looked on, hardly interested in their game, while still supping there ale.


The largest of the three men, sporting a circular commendation disk sewn to his tabard, pushed himself away from the table and stood up as he did so he reached for his weapon hanging on the back of his chair.


Without looking the stranger said, “Be sure you know what you’re doing whelp...”


Matt..


Ps, i do like writing this sort of thing so i may post more...
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline ma100

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Hi Matt
I like this version much better, a good tale mate just a couple of slips of tense, and a few typpos.


The inn, ’the Waylander-brag’,wasnestled on the very northern edge of the frozen Gour desert and its only regular tenants’were the Bray soldiers stationed at Bleak point willing to pay for its watered ale.


Scattered in front of the men were stacks of gaming chips and in their hands they each clutched cards; slung over the backs of their chairs were their weapons and shields.

With that The figure stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Looking over toward the bar, and from within the deep folds of his winter clothing he spoke in a clear, solid voice, “My horse won't tend to itself.”


The stranger was a tall man, broad across the shoulders and chest and made to look larger still by his snow covered wrappings. At his side hung an ornate broad bladed sword and as he moved the quiet clanking of armour could be heard from within his winter wear and above the whistling wind as it worried the shutters.

“What!” spluttered the inn keeper, "This inn has been in me family...” but before he was able finish speaking his tongue froze in the roof of his mouth.


The black lion of Heblem was nothing if not a bad omen.


I hope this helps mate
Mairi :)

Offline redmeat73

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Yes mate, your always a help. Now i'm getting to grips with the tense and my discritpive sides of writing i need to work on my grammar, etc, and the ballance between telling and showing - character development, structure...etc, etc,etc.


Matt..
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline ma100

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Eek!! Well I may be able to help a little with showy/telly possibly the character but ...I warn you now if you take my advice on grammar and punctuation, I can really show you how to get it wrong. ??? :o :-[

Ma