Author Topic: Just Behind the Door  (Read 1948 times)

Zetos Lapier

  • Guest
Just Behind the Door
« on: May 12, 2008, 01:17:49 PM »
(This is my first poem in almost 6 years, destroy it and rip it apart if you wish. It's a lame attempt and tough critiquing is needed.)

Just Behind the Door

Can't you hear it
can't you smell it
the scent of death and denial
just behind the door

Blood leaking around your feet
the red liquid staining your white shoes
the reminants of a nights meal
just behind the door

Your heart racing faster by the minute
the sounds of the sticks hitting the drums
sweat dripping down your brow
crashing to the blood down below
you are one with what's
just behind the door

Do you fear for your life
do you fear for your heart
shall you open it up
do you dare to take a peek at what's
just behind the door?

(Loserish and short, what everyone needs for a good laugh in the day.)

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: Just Behind the Door
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2008, 01:50:29 PM »
i think you hit the nail on the head (i'm sorry to say) when you called it "loserish".  i see TONS of pooetry like this...you know the kind...life sucks...evertyone should die...i should die...die die die...oh, yea...and don't forget the blood.
the problem with this and all the poems like it is that it tells me absolutely nothing about you as the writer.  it gives me zero reason to want to care about the speaker.  my suggestion to you is get to your bookstore or library and start reading.  find out what's happening now and also in the past.  the road you're travelling now with your poem is a creative one way trip to loserville.
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline Amie

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8460
    • threegeese
Re: Just Behind the Door
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2008, 02:09:43 PM »
Okay, so I see from your profile that you're 16. That being the case, there's actually lots of good news here:
1. You have oodles of time (ie years and years) to read as much poetry as you can, and learn about technique
2. I've seen lots of teenaged poetry which is much worse than this, so you really aren't starting from a bad position (that doesn't mean you should be satisfied with this, btw - just that, you know, it could be a lot worse :) )
3. The problems with this poem are very very common problems encountered with most poetry written by beginning writers. The problems are so common that I've included them in a sticky: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0 - particularly check out the sections on abstractions, generalisations and clichés (oh, and also reader versus writer focussed writing)
4. Because they're common problems, we already know what some of the solutions are. It takes time to develop a good technique, but the tools to enable you to start improving are immediately available.

Have a look at the sticky and if you're unsure as to how to apply these either to a revision of this poem or your next poem, just ask! ;D

Hope that all helps :)
« Last Edit: May 12, 2008, 02:11:24 PM by Saturnine »
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Zetos Lapier

  • Guest
Re: Just Behind the Door
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2008, 04:18:55 PM »
Hahaha ^_^ I knew that it seemed like death, it was fun to write it that way because I just had to hit that cliche. ^_^

I've written a few other poems, most of them are love poems for my gf, and are much too sappy to put up, I wanted to check out the darker side, I know that my technique sucks, I just love seeing it getting ripped apart though. ^_^

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Re: Just Behind the Door
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2008, 10:18:10 PM »
Pardon me, but I think it's real rude to laugh at people who've just been considerate enough to provide you with a serious review of your work.  Did you really mean to do that?
« Last Edit: May 12, 2008, 10:21:20 PM by eric »

Zetos Lapier

  • Guest
Re: Just Behind the Door
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2008, 12:05:59 AM »
I didn't laugh at the people, I laughed at my own work. ^_^ Don't worry my good, man, I am not that mean of spirit.

Offline Amie

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8460
    • threegeese
Re: Just Behind the Door
« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2008, 03:09:17 AM »
Don't worry ZL - I understood what you meant :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka