Author Topic: Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing  (Read 1437 times)

Zetos Lapier

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Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing
« on: May 09, 2008, 01:59:32 PM »
I submittted this in a contest about anger that had a word limit of 800, here is the draft that I had to finish, I kinda liked it so I decided to see what other people thought of it.

   The man scowled angrily at the ground, the grinding of his teeth could be heard. Slowly he turned towards the man whose neck his hands were wrapped about.
“Where is she? Talk or die!” The frightened man made the mistake to look into the enraged mans blood shot eyes.
“I don’t know! They took her away!” The loud crack could be heard as his neck was snapped. Dropping the limp form to the ground the man left the room in anger. He left no markings of himself behind, keeping the area clean as he kicked the bodies that littered the hall.

   Slamming open the door, light burst into his eyes, blinding him momentarily. It didn’t slow down the furious man though; instead it only made him speed up. Jumping up with a hand on the side of the convertible door, he plopped down hard on the leather seat, turning it on.
“Hurry up!” The infuriated scream was heard as the heel of his palm hit the steering wheel hard. The car flicked to life, and without even a moments pause the man was off again. Ripping up the dirt behind him and caring not the death that had been left within the building before.

   Hands gripped the black steering wheel tightly, slowly one of the releasing the tight grip, and reaching for the black sunglasses. Placing the shades over his eyes, he let the free hand run through his professionally cut hair. Sweat dribbled down his face, and a bit of blood from the punch that he had taken to the lip.
“I’ll save you from these people my love, just wait to see your knight come in with his shining armor.” A hand fell to the small 9mm pistol that he had kept under his feet, in case there was ever an emergency, he never thought he’d actually have to use it in this kind of situation.

   He hadn’t gotten much information, but it was enough to go on, his love was in danger, and he wasn’t going to allow anyone to hurt her. Bringing the pistol along with him he stopped at an abandoned facility, and rushed inside the open door, flattening his body against the wall. Slowly he moved along, rage building up within his muscles and heart. The steaming anger rushing through his blood, giving him the extra adrenaline boost that he needed. The sound of his love screaming could be heard from somewhere in the dank place.
“Where are they keeping you? What are they doing to you? I’ll kill them all!” He said to himself, the veins within his neck beginning to show as he became more and more enraged with the wicked men.

   Without even thinking about it he turned around the corner, hearing the shuffle of a pair of feet. Shooting the silence pistol at the noise, he was rewarded with the quiet thump of the corpse hitting the ground. Quickly running down the dimly lit corridor he burst into another room, firing off three more rounds into the men present. They fell down, blood pouring from their heads as they crumpled down lifeless.
“You shouldn’t have touched my baby.” The threat fell upon deaf ears, literally.

   There was the scream of his love again, it was coming from the next room, bursting through the door she came into view, but there was a man that stood in front of her. With a sudden shot the blood spattered forward from the frontal lobe of his cranium. Slowly he slumped over, resting down on the hood of the car. Then slid off of it, laying limply on the ground. Walking over, he stood over the carcass and shot three more rounds into the head of the man. After he was done, the pistol was thrown away from himself.

   “Sorry that I ever left you my love. I didn’t know that these men were taking you away.” Suddenly the sounds of sirens were wailing outside of the empty place. The sounds of squads running into the old abandoned facility could be heard. With sudden fear he floored the petal, but nothing happened, then a slight chug, and a loud bang. The bomb that had been planted underneath the car exploded, killing the man and his precious car. The police thrown backwards, all fell back and re-gathered to hear their chiefs talking.
“This was a Navy Seal before he was disbanded from the army for extreme violence. He was taken into the psych ward after killing a police officer for touching his car. They took it away to this place knowing he’d come for it, I guess he didn’t think that far ahead in his rage though.” Silence reigned amongst the men as they bowed their head, and said a silent prayer for him.

domenic

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Re: Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2008, 02:31:00 PM »
I read only the first five lines. Your question was based on anger;

The man scowled angrily at the ground, the grinding of his teeth could be heard. Slowly he turned towards the man whose neck his hands were wrapped about.
“Where is she? Talk or die!” The frightened man made the mistake to look into the enraged mans blood shot eyes.
“I don’t know! They took her away!” The loud crack could be heard as his neck was snapped. Dropping the limp form to the ground the man left the room in anger. He left no markings of himself behind, keeping the area clean as he kicked the bodies that littered the hall.

The first five lines has more telling than showing. What I see is a murder. The questions needed to be asked are;

1) How does one feel before, during and after they murder?
2) What fear (if any) is left with the murderer after the crime?
3) Is this a person who has murdered before? ( I ask this because he is still angry after and just walks away).
4) The person who was murdered...does he wet his pants? Is he heavier than when he was alive?
5) does the murderer sweat and his skin turn cold?
6) does the murderer blame the victim for the murder.
7) Does the murderer still think of himself as a good guy? Does he fear god at this point?

Before I would write those first five lines, I would find answers to these questions in order to bring the character to life.
Anger is not shown in red eyes or grinding teeth. It has to be shown from inside the character.

The victim in fear, may have farted (or more). What was the hands of the victim doing? What or who was the victim thinking about in those last moments"
To break someones neck is not that easy..(that's Hollywood). The murderer may have had to try breaking it for 20 minutes or more.
In that time, the murderer had his own thinking going one.

I see these first five lines, as a whole page (350 words), or, it starts after the murder.

Domenic


Offline thatLous

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Re: Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2008, 02:41:34 PM »
Wonderful show of anger, though :) What I can suggest is that it needs to be a bit more 'bam- in your face'. What did the guy look like when he died? Show more of his rage... y'know?

Other than that, great writing, Zetos!


Louie

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Re: Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2008, 03:21:02 AM »
I didn't see that twist coming...I mean..I knew there would be a twist...but a car!  Very clever!!
Small typo..'he floored the petal'....
But a finger biting read.  Thanks ;D

Rowena

Zetos Lapier

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Re: Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2008, 03:24:25 AM »
Ahahaha, thank you all. ^_^

Domenic: Yeah I know what you're getting with that, I guess I could've tried a bit harder.

Thatguy: ^_^ Well then, I'll do that next time when I don't have a word limit saying, "NO OVER 800 OR WE KILL YOU!"

Rowena: Hahaha thanks, I know about that part, I was kinda iffy on putting it on because I had a feeling that it wasn't right. Thanks for clearing that up, and I know, the whole time I was sitting there going, "There are so many novels where it's the actual LOVE of the guy taken away, how 'bout a car?" =P

Offline thatLous

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Re: Peoples Will Do Everything For Nothing
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2008, 12:16:18 PM »
;D Post it in the Gallery, then. The piece is just fine after a bit of polish.


ps. more torture please