Author Topic: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warning: ADULT COMEDY.  (Read 5535 times)

davidleejones13

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The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warning: ADULT COMEDY.
« on: May 02, 2008, 01:27:50 AM »
For Ma.

MY DISCLAIMER:
ALL THE FAMOUS NAMES WITHIN THIS STORY HAVE BEEN POORLY IMITATED.
NO FAMOUS PEOPLE WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS STORY.
I HAVE ONLY MET ONE FAMOUS PERSON IN PERSON IN MY LIFE AND HE WASN'T
REALLY ALL THAT FAMOUS SO JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT GUY.

Episode Two

Excessive neurological activity stemming from inhibitory neurons not functioning properly. These neurons failing to excrete levels of the neurotransmitter that inhibits the transmission of other neurons leads to a high level of activity in the brain responsible for human emotional arousal. The result being. A human individual feels fear.

It is me Dave again, your bartender, remember me?

Well, right now I could care less whether you do or not, because I am scared shitless. Yep, fear.

That same feeling a married man feels when leaving his pregnant girlfriend's house banging all six cylinders of his Japanese import needing a good old gas guzzling two more because he can't get away fast enough.

Life is like that for human life on this planet.

It is what was instilled in us by our poo throwing distant ancestors that saved us from the pea brain behemoths that tried to eat them for dinner. Thus, allowing us to evolve while those ancient monsters were left millions of years ago in the dust with egg on their faces. Well, feces on their faces is more likely.

So, over eons of life on the planet here I am at our species' pinnacle. And I don't mean I am the perfect specimen of humanity. I am probably one of the farthest from it.  Yours truly is but one of billions of her latest model. And right now I wish I had a handful of poo to throw. 

See, right now Davie is standing in front of a six foot seven inch behemoth ex boyfriend with my pants down around my well evolved ankles, while his former girlfriend lays half naked on the couch behind me.

So, you could say, my neuro inhibitors are a bit low and the emotional arousal part of my brain is banging on all six cylinders. Meanwhile, my sexual parts are banging on nothing. So I grab for the only handful of shit I can find. My power of negotiation.

Being a bartender requires a BA in BS. My well honed negotiation techniques were well oiled and had averted many a bar fight and assured casualties from countless bar room brawls. Unfortunatly, it had failed me this night, because it was also well lubricated from many a nights conquest with a bunch of the local young ladies.

Yet here I call on it once more to get me out of the hard spot I was now in. Or was it because of the soft place my hard spot was not in now? Sorry for the stray thought. It just kind of slipped out.

I began negotiating like an expensive OJ Simpson trial lawyer to get me out of the predicament I had wormed my way into.

I sized my opponent up and flung my first volley of crap at the lumbering lumberjack like male.

"Can I pull my pants up?" Shear genius, first volley, misdirection. Here I find it hard avoiding any rhymes with erection because I know someone out there was thinking it. I know I was. Ten minutes ago. But now I am fighting for my survival, and sex was not an option to get out of the current situation.

Then something unexpected happens that affirms my belief that woman are, no doubt, the smarter sex of the species. The, half naked, ex girlfriend jumps up from the couch and steps in between the half witted hulk and me.

"Now you boys calm down!" She shouts and shoves her ex boyfriend with one hand while, with the other hand behind her back performs a card trick David Copperfield would have been proud of. She shoves a player card at me. I am momentary ruled by confusion as I deftly grab and look at the sports player. The name on the card is (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star). Now I know I am in a deeper pile of shit I could never wrap my hand around to toss. The picture upon the card is none other than (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star), this bumbling behemoth. I quickly shove the card in my freshly zipped up pants.

"(currently copyrighted popular ex sports star)," she purrs his name with a quick look over her shoulder and a wink before turning back to (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star), "now it is not like you lost me in a card game!"

With the last word she stomps on my foot with her heal and understanding hits me like a pink frosted bowling ball.

Watch out Johnny Cochran, let the negotiations begin.

"Hey you are (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star)," I say pulling out the card from from my, now freshly, belted trousers and I shout excitedly, "I have your rookie card right here!"

Second handful of poo successfully delivered. Detraction, now build the giant's confidence.

(currently copyrighted popular ex sports star) staggers a moment and involuntarily wipes unseen feces off of his face. His brow furrows and confusion sets his face as the old football days play upon the little silver screen within his pea brained head.

Now for the final dung assault.

"(currently copyrighted popular ex sports star)," I say pulling a pen, {yes, bartenders always have one behind their ear}, from behind my ear, "will you sign my official (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star) rookie card for me?"

Two hours later, after having to play against the big dolt in his officially licensed video game, I am now banging away on all six cylinders of my Japanese import, wishing I had six. But for the fact my ancestors flinged poo a million years ago and (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star)'s parents mated with the lumbering behemoths of yesteryear, I evolved to negotiate another day.

Oh and let me not forget to mention here, women are the more intelligent species of the human race. And in closing of this episode, the smartest of their sex is now having make up sex with (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star). It was the best sex I almost ever had. I shall never forget her.

It is not a complete loss though. I now have a (currently copyrighted popular ex sports star)'s freshly signed rookie card. Now I need a fresh pair of underwear so I bid you all a farewell until next time.

No go out there and fling some poo!

-The Bartender Guy

« Last Edit: May 03, 2008, 10:16:46 PM by davidleejones13 »

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2008, 09:24:07 AM »
Great!


Chris

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2008, 09:50:38 AM »
THanks!

Chris,
When will we see some more Dark Days?

Offline ma100

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2008, 10:09:05 AM »
Haha
Flippin' heck Lee. I creased up. ;D The trouble is
I remember all to well the trouble you, Chris and
I were in when this event in real form took place.
Hehe. But I know the real story too.  ;D ;D ;D  I
feel a blackmail story coming on. :o
Well done Mate
Mairi

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2008, 01:48:16 PM »
Lee
Once again you are right on. Great read for me. It brings back memories of Atlanta, GA in the late sixties. I recognized these women when they came though the doors of my bar and feared them!!! ::) ;D

Offline Ninny

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2008, 05:50:39 PM »
AAAARRGGGHHhahahahaha ;D  Lee, you are so funny, I bet that bar is full everynight with people who need you to cheer them up.  You make Louie look serious!!  ;D ;D
Well done!  Can't wait for even more stuff!! :D

Rowena

Offline WESTON

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2008, 05:59:51 PM »
i wanna be bartender guy...can i be bartender guy??

w
the original...*ultra-anti-hero

*subject to perverse moods of alternate enthusiasm and melancholy

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2008, 10:56:22 PM »
Thanks all for the fun comments.

Weston,
You have to earn bartender guy...but I am sure you have it in ya.

Rowena,
Cap'm, Louie can NEVER look serious.

JHMull,
I bet you could write a few episodes of bartender guy yourself with what you have seen in ATL.

Ma,
I remember all too well Ma. Ah, those were the days, eh?

THank all of yall for reading. I am currently working on Episode three, that is why my comment replies are so short. I hope three compares to One and Two.

Your friend, and shipmate,
Lee

Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2008, 11:03:41 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Love your wit, makes me giggle.
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2008, 11:43:39 PM »
Thank you Fire-Fly,
I was going to try and get Episode three up tonight, but I have not been able to get into the writing mood. I have worked a bunch of hours and I am too tired to get into it.
It will probalby be up monday.,

Thank you so much for reading.
Your avatar rocks BTW. ;D

Lee

Hunter

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2008, 12:47:32 PM »
Weston can be the bar guy if he wants. I'll settle for being the sports guy. He's got the money and the girl . . . enough said.

Good stuff Lee


Cheers Hunter

Hunter

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2008, 06:17:55 PM »
A cheeky little number. (Sorry Lee - just trying to get my star count up - I wanna be a senior)

Hunter

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2008, 06:18:57 PM »
Ignore that last comment. These excessive replies have nothing to do with trying ot get my star count up

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warining: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2008, 10:05:50 PM »
Hunter,
 You will get there. Just pace yourself! ;)
I am just glad you liked the story...

Lee

Offline thatLous

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode Two) Warning: ADULT COMEDY.
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2008, 01:54:49 AM »
Lee... let me praise you by jumping up and down while singing the rain dance song.

 :D :D Great read for mornings, man, lol