Author Topic: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)  (Read 4829 times)

davidleejones13

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The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« on: May 01, 2008, 01:36:22 PM »
Hey everyone. I have another episode of Bartender Guy in the works, so I am reposting episode one to catch everyone who is interested back up. I will post Episode two tomorrow, and the new one on saturday. I hope you all enjoy.
-DLJ


EPISODE ONE

My name is Dave.
I am a purveyor of adult beverages in a dive right off of main street.
It is all I know but I know it well.

See I live on the other side of the world as most folks, and I don't mean I live in China.  What I mean is my day starts when most respectable people end theirs. I am the one you come see to administer the medicine that keeps you sane and  from blowing your bosses head off the next morning. Also, the mornings after,  I keep most pain pill pharmaceuticals in business.

I serve alcohol.
ALCOHOL.
Life's laxative I like to call it.  It helps you slide through this world just a little bit easier.

In my line of work you see the dark soul of life rear its ugly head.

You know that nice successful neighbor with the beautiful wife of yours you sit next to in church?  When I see him he is sitting next to a bar whore and is disappearing every half hour to go snort in the bathroom.

I see the dark underbelly of society. It's the nature of the business.

The crazies love to come out in force and invade my world on a nightly basis. And instant idiots? Oh just add the alcohol and watch them fizz like a glass of alka-seltzer.

On this particular night it was extra gory. It was Halloween. You think you see crazies on a normal night? You get an extra side of crazy with your normal main course of regular nut jobs on All Hallows Eve.

The room was full of masked insanity exploiting itself in drunken ecstasy when she walked in.  It was 11:28pm.  I knew because I had just checked the old clock on the wall and last call would be in just over fifteen minutes. The Witch, yeah she paid. The Horny Devil still owes for the last round of shots. I was scanning the room ready to collect final tabs when the front door blew open and almost snapped from its hinges.

Her supple form materialized out of the moonless dark night outside as the jukebox performed a perfectly timed pause as if to announce her heavenly entrance. Every soul in the room held their tongues as she gracefully glided into the room.
The men undressed her with lustful eyes as the women gazed upon her teaming with jealousy.

Time seemed to stop and the quiet pause was deafening in its stillness.  It was as if she enjoyed basking in the mixed attention she received as a fang filled smile slowly crossed her face.

She was tall and dressed in all black leather with wings to match framing her pale beautiful face from behind.  Jet black long straight hair flowed from her horn topped head undisturbed by the wind from the open doorway and the dark night behind.  Her leather top strained as her well endowed milky breasts threatened to burst from their garment bound bondage.
Her pale skin was thrown into stark contrast by her crimson stained lips and the shiny black barely fitting dress. 

The heavy smoke filled atmosphere of the room seemed to part as if she were Moses parting the Red Sea. Her eyes slowly scanned the room until they rested on yours truly.

The juke box's seemingly endless pause ended with the sullen tones of "Witchy Woman" by the Eagles breaking the silence.
How fitting.
The murmur of conversation slowly bled back into the room.  Most eyes in the place remained fixed on her as she slowly crossed the room to my bar. Many men were broken from their trance like state by sharp jabs delivered by angry mates.

She stepped up to my bar and tapped one of the old regular drunks on the shoulder who was fittingly dressed as a hobo on this late October night.  He promptly responded by passing out and hitting the floor with a loud thud. 
She nonchalantly stepped over the unconscious man and slid into his seat her eyes never dropping their fixed gaze on me.

"Guess he had too much," I said trying to sound suave.  It didn't work. Trying to recover and still sound cool I added, "let me guess...Bloody Mary?"

"How did you guess?" her angelic voice came to my ears as her mouth broke into a sly half grin, "you must of read my mind."

Well to make a long story short, and cut out the most mundane and boring details,  last call went down with only the usual snags it typically does.  Call a cab for the Hobo, have the bouncer threaten the Horny Devil to pay his tab and watch the Witch slip out the back with the nice church going neighbor. By half past midnight the rest of the bar staff finished their mopping up tasks and filtered out of the building until it was just her and I left to our idle conversation.

Inevitably we ended up naked on the bar doing our best to fulfill what a human beings only purpose in life on the planet is: procreation. Or getting some good practice in anyhow.

It was as if heaven sang as we performed our love making dance and I did not even mind the uncomfortable hard surface of the bar at my back as I finished in an explosion of ecstasy. It was the best sexual experience in my life; even-though I am not even a virgin. Not even close.

I lay there in a sweaty exhausted heap for several moments trying to catch my breath. She lovingly stroked my hair and smiled as she looked down into my heavy sleepy eyes.

"It is a shame I have to kill you now." She said in a soft angelic voice.  Being used to dealing with the dark side of human society, and knowing a bit about dark history, I knew that she was dressed as a Sucubus.

"That is right," I said with a tired chuckle, "you are dressed as a Demoness.  Once you have mated you must kill your lover. "

She smiled once again as one would at a child who has just said its first word.
"I dress as I always do," she said as the leathery wings flexed behind her and she lifted her body off of mine in flight. She hovered over me still looking into my eyes.
As I drifted into a deep sleep my last thought was the epiphany of the fact she had never taken off her costume during our love making. Only her dress.

**

The next morning I awoke to the bewildered face of one of the cleanup crew looking down into mine.  He was surprised to find my naked form laying on the bar next to a discarded black leather dress. I groggily sat up and felt the piece of parchment under my right hand.
Scrawled in elegant handwriting the message read:

DAVE,
I COULD NEVER KILL YOU. YOU ARE TOO VALUABLE TO OUR CAUSE.
THANKS FOR THE BABY.

"Not again." I mumbled as I struggle off the bar and my socked feet hit the hard wood floor with a painful thud.
Learning from past experience I knew the gestation and growth rate of the modern demon child.  I knew that in about six months my demon spawn offspring would be in here trying to purchase adult alcoholic beverages.
"God I hope, "I said aloud to my self as I pulled my pants back on, "that he or she has proper legal ID."

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2008, 02:34:14 PM »
HI David

I like the story line - on did a quick read through, and a couple of things struck me.  'off of' - bad English, but acceptable if its a speech habit of the individual.  'Dark soul' - as opposed to dark side?  Not sure for some reason on this.  Can't quite place why.  And do you need to repeat the concept by following with 'I see the dark underbelly of society.'?  Perhaps only one or the other is needed.

You get an extra side of crazy with your normal main course of regular nut jobs

I LOVE this bit.   ;D


snapped from

 snapped off?


dressed in all black leather   - dressed all in? 

you must of read my mind - correct English is must have - sometimes it sounds like 'of' as in must've.  It's what people say, but seeing it written makes it feel more wrong.


socked feet  - I think the term is stockinged feet, even though its socks.  I first read socked and thought of 'hitting'.

Hope these comments are helpful, don't mean to be nit-picky.  I do like the story, looking forward to episode 2 if I can get on to read.

Cheers
Carrie

Hunter

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2008, 04:06:50 PM »
Quote
Inevitably we ended up naked on the bar doing our best to fulfill what a human beings only purpose in life on the planet is: procreation. Or getting some good practice in anyhow.

This has to be my favorite line ever. Of course it was inevitable the bar guy made out with the leather clad, busty vampire woman. That's what all bar guys do isn't it?
Some people write from personal experience and some from the depths of their imagination. I'm struggling to figure out which category you fall into. If it's the former, then you've had a hell of a life. If it's the latter, I wanna see your movie collection!

Brilliant writing Lee. This has a whiff of Stephen King about it, particularly the structure and syntax. I'd like to see you try a novel. Is that what this is going to be? Your build up is brilliant and you set a scene perfectly. My favourite part was being inside the bar guys head before vamp woman walked in. That was particularly outstanding.

I'll stay tuned for the next episode, and hope there's a few more corking lines like the one above.

Cheers Hunter

Offline Solitaire

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2008, 06:17:40 PM »
Good evening, David Lee

The nits I see are the same ones Carrie pointed out and a comma after the See, in the second paragraph.


The lines seem spoken with a perfect touch of the cynical boredom of a man who has seen everything (at least in a dive off main street [capitalize Main?]).


Bring on that demon spawn!


Solitaire





Offline SteveJ

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2008, 06:46:36 PM »
It's still a great read, Lee, really good :)
More please, mate :)
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Offline dedelite

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2008, 01:04:50 AM »
Dear Lee,
You did it again. Good description and layout (no pun intended) . If that is a typical night as a bartender then ya'll get most of the action. Good read.

dedelite

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2008, 01:37:38 AM »
Thank you all for the interesting and Helpful comments. ;D
All of you guys make this site a pleasure, a great escape of the tense life I lead. Bartender Guy is a fun distraction with only the sightest glimmer of real life events. This episode was written after seeing one of my regular customers come in last halloween, dressed in leather, and dressed to kill.
EHMmm! I still have the occasional dream of that dress...

Dede,
Thanks for you nice words. I hope you and your father are doing well. I am proud to be your friend.

Steve,
Looking forward to the new launch on the 10th. Do you need for me to do anyting to help out? Do you need another story? Toothie is still going to be a HL F Series, isn't it. Thanks for keeping it going man. It is a very worthy mission.

Solitaire,
Call me Lee...that is what my friends call me. You do not have to be so formal with the David... I was going for the Micky Spilane feel. Did I succeed? I am glad you read my story..Thanks for commenting.

Carrie,
Thank you so much for the edit suggestions. I will try to go through and make some changes as soon as I get some free time. That has been at a minimum these days.
Your comments are really very helpful. Thank you for taking the time out.

Thank everyone for reading. I hope you all enjoyed...

good night.

Lee

Offline fatoonch

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2008, 05:00:32 AM »
HI Lee

you set it up well and it peaked with good use of humour-you had me in stitches at the end.  I'd change-men undressed her with lustfull eyes to something else can't think of anything though. Keep it up.

Regards

Fatoonch

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2008, 05:08:49 AM »
Maybe just:  They were slowly undressing her with their eyes.

Chris
« Last Edit: May 02, 2008, 05:10:49 AM by Christopher Silva »

Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2008, 07:46:27 AM »
Very enjoyable read Lee  ;D

Looking forward to the next installment ;D
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Offline Swampfox one

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2008, 09:13:53 AM »
Good read, as an ex-bartender and bouncer this reads so true. Only one thing in the following passage ' You know that nice successful neighbor with the beautiful wife of yours you sit next to in church?  When I see him he is sitting next to a bar whore and is disappearing every half hour to go snort in the bathroom'  did you mean 'wife of his' or am I miss reading it?
J
p.s. sorry for the way I wrote this I am trying to learn how to use the system.

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2008, 09:49:21 AM »
JH,
AH, a kindred soul. Thank you for reading. I am glad you thought it was a good read and you could relate to it. Thanks for catching the typos. And always, thanks for reading.

Fire-FLy,
Thanks FF, I love your avatar. The next installment is up, and the third installment is bouncing around in my tiny little brain as we speak. I just hve to find some time to write it. Thank you for taking out some of your time to read my work.

Chris,
I know, I know, I have mentioned it a million times, but , now it is a million and one. Great to have you back man... Your stories are not only excellent, but inspirational as well. Thank you for being a friend,

Thank all of yall for checking out this series. I will try not to dissappoint on the next installment.

-Bartender Guy.

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2008, 09:56:35 AM »
Fatoonch,
Sorry I missed your comment the first time through. Thank you, I am so glad that you enjoyed it. I tried to make it as funny as possible. I tend to write a bunch of horror so it was a fun departure. Believe it or not there was a time when all I wrote was comedy, until my life became one.

Thanks for reading.,

Lee ;D

Offline Ninny

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2008, 05:36:29 PM »
Hi Lee,  I really loved the lead into this story..you painted the picture vividly...Hunter is right, you are a brilliant writer and I can't wait to read more...so I'll pop over to chapter two right now... ;D ;D ;D

Rowena

davidleejones13

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Re: The Bartender Guy (Episode One)
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2008, 07:18:42 PM »
Thanks Rowena,
That is a great compliment comin from the cap'm. Thanks for reading ;D

Lee