Author Topic: Foxes Forever - 1200 words Aprox.  (Read 1029 times)

Zetos Lapier

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Foxes Forever - 1200 words Aprox.
« on: April 04, 2008, 03:52:55 AM »
This is another one of my older stories that I am working on revising, this is a light revise with a
slight bit more detail. Please any criticism would be great, even if you don't have anything nice to
say, cause I just want to know what I can fix up with this bit.

             The young fox looked down at the snow after trying to catch a small mouse. Wondering
to himself, what is my purpose in life? The thoughts of the hunt last spring, when all his
family was killed, slowly revolved around inside his mind.
    With a sudden pain the orange and white fox threw his head up letting out a deep how of
pain and hatred, “I’m all alone!” The wind suddenly picked up, killing out the howl, and attacked
the young males fur, making it look disorganized and mussed.
   “Why are you all alone?” A sweet voice came from behind the fox. Turning around to
look back, the male was half expecting a ravenous wolf, instead a vixen greeted him. Her fur was
white, and her body, long and slender well her eyes glowed a calming soft green.
   “Who are you?” He asked. No emotion was allowed to carry along with his voice, instead
it was completely void of any care, or so it would seem, though inside he was excited as ever to
see this girl.

   “I’m the daughter of Vantrac, Della.” She stated, a strange note in her voice, it seemed
almost regal, as if she viewed herself as someone higher then the rest.
   “The daughter of Vantrac? The Vantrac that killed over twelve hunters?” The foxes jaw
dropped noticeably as he heard this female say this, she was regal. Blinking once, twice, three
times, but it was true, from everything he had heard of her before, she was that and all.
   “Yes, the daughter of Vantrac.” She said and walked up to him, a very serious look had
overtaken the vixens features as she began to take everything about him in. After much studying
she soon came to the conclusion, “You must be the son of Bartholomew, Maldrum?”

   “Yes, but how did you know?” Suspicion creased through the beasts body, he had never
had anyone notice who he was that fast. Cocking his head to the left, the left ear flattening,
letting the right one raise to hear her explanation.
   “Easy, you have a silence to your emotions, and a careless loving glance towards me.”
She said with a slight tinge of satisfaction, then a giggle following right afterwards. It was true,
she had caught him in the act, and he wasn't protesting it at all, inside he was rejoicing but he
decided that he'd rather keep his cool around the vixen.
   “What does the careless loving glance towards you have to do with it?” That was all he
could think of to put up as a front, he didn't want her to know what he was thinking, didn't want
her to know that it was true, because no-one had ever been able to tell that much about him, in
one quick look-over.

   “Well for one thing, it is prophesied that there would be a son of a great fox, and the
daughter of a great fox that would meet here.” She made it up as she went along, she liked him,
she wasn't sure why, she just felt pulled towards him. A slow deep breath escaping her, masking
the sigh of contentment as she listened to the males soothing voice.

   Maldrum suddenly was on his guard again, “you mean I used to be a son, now my father
is dead!” he paused for a second, "and I'm nothing, nothing at all." The feeling sorry for himself
had set in, both of the eyelids covered his beautiful blue gaze, her green eyes were too much for
him to handle, to dazzling to watch.
   “What? No! What happened?” She asked shocked, there was no news of this among the
other foxes, promised to be kept a secret so that the others would not know. He nodded his head
slowly and let himself remember the event once more.
   “Well you see it all started last spring, we had gone out to…” He drawled on for a good
30 minutes about the hunt, about how his father and mother were killed, and how he had run for
his own safety, though that was the way he liked to tell it, since it was safer then the truth. His
heart was sad though, he longed to hear his parents voice one more time, to feel comforted by
them, but there was no comfort, just this feeling of eternal misery.

   “So… you’re whole family was killed in a hunt by about eighteen hunters?” She asked,
watching his every action and move carefully. Ripping him apart with her mind, as to see his
emotions that he would not let show, like the anger and hate that was boiling beneath the surface.
   “Yeah.” He said and hunched over, his heart was dying for the sweet sound of his
mothers voice to calm him just once more. “But I promise I’ll kill them. All of them! The scum
will not pass by me again. I was weak but now I’m strong, and I care not about their cries.”
Looking up, the hairs on his nape stood to end, and his anger and hatred towards them was like
the eternal fire found in hell.
   “That is what is probably expected from you. I too wish to kill them, I want them dead.
They killed my family as well. That’s why I’m walking around here too with no reason at all.”
She suddenly said without any warning. It was like a wave of complete and utter confusion to the
male, he had not expected this, for she seemed so happy just a few moments before. His brilliant
blue eyes looked at her, feeling a bit sorry for the female.
   “Well it looks like we have a bit in common. Maybe we should go um… you know um…
hunt these hunters down!” It took a few stutters for Maldrum to finally get what he was saying
straight, but soon he had said it and Della nodded in agreement.
   She giggled loudly, "What?" Maldrum asked with a sudden smile coming to his lips that
seemed lifeless a few seconds before.
   “Maldrum, what a strong name that is!” She finally forced it out, giggling and smiling
towards him, there was a very shifty look that came to her eyes, before the look of one whom had
just suddenly gotten a huge crush on someone else..
   Maldrum looked at her amused, trying his best not to laugh a he explained to her, "no one
in my whole life had ever really liked that name, it was normally used for many other names."

   Smiling she turned in her mid-section, looking towards him, “You coming?”
   Watching her, his gaze fell to her green eyes. ‘Is this the real reason why I waited here, to
meet with you? Is this why my instincts told me to come here? Because of you?” He asked in
complete silence, a small laugh escaping his lips.
   “I don’t know, instincts and emotions can be powerful tool so maybe that is exactly why
you are here.” It made sense to the fox for a moment, the vixen thought about it a bit more, but
kept her lips shut, even though her eyes revealed the secrets that were hidden deep within.
   “Well I guess if we’re going to start hunting we’re going to have to find them.” It was all
that Maldrum knew how to say to Della, it was as if his tongue was tied for his first love. She
was amazing because they had so much in common, but there was something about her that was
out of place, something that did not fit in, his tail swung behind him slowly as he continued to
watch her silently.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2008, 03:33:43 PM by Zetos Lapier »

Offline SeaUrchin

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Re: Foxes Forever - 1200 words Aprox.
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2008, 03:23:24 PM »
That last paragraph grabbed me.  Definitely makes you want to "turn the page" for the next bit.  I do have some criticisms:

In the first paragraph:
 "...when all his family was killed, slowly revolved around inside my mind." Change the 'my' to 'his'

The second sentence reads to me more as a fragment rather than a true sentence and the transition to the third sentence is a bit awkward.  Could you join them together, something like "Wondering what his purpose in life was, he remembered the hunt last spring, when all his family was killed."  I don't believe you need the last bit about the thoughts revolving.  Your imagery is already strong here.  No  need to gild the lily.

In the sixth paragraph, there's to much 'too'.  Would you consider using "I also with to kill them".  That way there's only one 'too' instead of three.

There's some editing and a little tightening up but IMO, some real promise in this story.

Zetos Lapier

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Re: Foxes Forever - 1200 words Aprox.
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2008, 03:34:33 PM »
Thank you, I fixed it up a bit, I really appreciated that. ^_^

Offline SteveJ

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Re: Foxes Forever - 1200 words Aprox.
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2008, 04:09:52 PM »
Yep, it does show promise, and leaves one wanting more. Good work, Zetos :)
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