Author Topic: Killer returning...  (Read 2314 times)

Offline "lorraineofkeli"

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Killer returning...
« on: April 03, 2008, 05:45:20 PM »
Hello, this section of a story I started a while back is partway through and it is basically to outline my main character's first victim after 14 years away from the killing game (well, his first and only kill as a young boy)  It is the first of a long line of victims to follow.. and of course is a very important person for him to get the taste for it again..

It had been fourteen years since Darren experienced the ultimate high; the sight of a woman struggling for breath, her eyes searching his face for redemption,  a desperate longing to be released at his will.
   Jess was, and always would remain the finest but she served only as a practice tool.  It was right, he believed, that she was the first; she was destined for such an end.  From now on, however, not every woman would be worthy of his carefully designed form of attention.  He had no time to waste on the shallow, self-absorbed side effects of the womb from which they sprung.
   Liza was perfect.  Her shameless bouts of flirting reminded Darren of the way Jess had once teased him.  She was, in essence, her double.  A mature, more rounded version of her, and one that would please him now more than Jess ever coiuld.  He was young in the days of Jess, a mere boy - but now, well... he had needs to satisfy; needs that were not fully understood under a nine-year old mentality.  A callous murderer though he was, his enjoyment served him only halfway.  He knew upon first sight of Liza, that he was a man now  - and the pleasure that awaited him was strong and so pure in nature.  So pure to him alone, but Liza would come to become a part of that and those big brown eyes would search his face inside that bounty of pleasure. 

Offline Jethika

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Re: Killer returning...
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2008, 01:08:33 PM »
The girl was flirting with a nine-year-old boy?! Creepy....

You could maybe boost the creep-factor with a bit more descriptive memory: the red marks on her neck as he switched positions slightly, the way her face turned a shade of purple or blue, etc....
There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life. So I pretty much like to make it up. I'd rather tell a story about somebody else.
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Zetos Lapier

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Re: Killer returning...
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2008, 01:31:34 PM »
Alright, I was amused by this, you got my attention quickly, and struck it home throughout the whole thing, but in my own opinion I would've had the memories as well, except vivid, enough to make anyone shiver and shudder at the thought of it. Show his twisted mind flipping about, and imgining doing that to Liza, sow that he's completely wicked with no hope, cause I'm pretty sure that that's what you want for your character. Do some awesome fore-shadowing, it adds to the excitement all the time.

Offline JP

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Re: Killer returning...
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2008, 01:48:09 PM »
Lorr...nicely done.  Your hook at the very first was terrific. This seemed to be a bit broken up as I read it.  Some of the thoughts didnt flow well into the next.  I did like your descriptions and the depth of your character's thoughts.  I'd be interested in reading more..
Live well, playing the cards delt to you and every once in awhile bluff!