Author Topic: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words  (Read 5923 times)

Offline Andrewf

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story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« on: March 21, 2008, 12:09:55 PM »
Here is the last part of this start...  or possible first part of a serial...  and now i can see why it's languished in limbo for so long... i dont know where it's going next...   possibly round it off into a short story, would be close to 5000 words all told.


Cleaned up, extra dialogue qualifiers and the "as"s that Symphony dislikes removed  ;)
Let me know what you think.


Well after the poor light that filtered in through the boarded up windows had drained away to full dark, Kitten finally returned and led me from the room, out onto the darkened streets.
“So where is this room that Aran has for me?” I asked.

“Aran has an urgent job for you,” she whispered while we hurried along the pavement. “I’ll take you to your place when you’ve done the job.”
“Understood,” I nodded but wondered if this might be just another test.

“The daughter of an associate of his was kidnapped this afternoon, and Aran wants you to rescue her... unharmed.”
“Do we know where they are?” I asked.
“A reluctant informant was... persuaded to tell us,” she grinned with a surprising amount of vindictiveness. “They are hiding in the large warehouse at the end of Jame street.”
“And the girl’s name?” I asked, “So that I can reassure her when I find her.”
“Her name is Dawn.”

I asked no further questions and followed Kitten’s hasty pace until we reached Jame Street in the warehouse district where she stopped abruptly.
“It’s the large stone building at the end,” she pointed, “and you’ll be needing this.” She then thrust a scabbarded long knife into my hands.

Ducking from shadow to shadow, I loped towards the dark two-storey stone building at the end of the street. I stopped at the corner of the nearest building and scanned the front of the warehouse. A small sliver of deeper darkness showed me that the front door was partially open, and I assumed that a guard would be inside looking out. Stealthily, I crept up to the front wall of the building and sneaked along it quietly, stopping and holding my breath each time I heard the guard inside make any sound.

Carefully, I crouched down on the hinge side of the open door and lightly scratched at the bottom edge. After a moment’s wait I scratched again and let out a soft mewl like a cat.
“Sssshhhh...” the guard hissed from the other side. “Get lost!”

I paused a moment and then scratched a little louder and mewled again.
“Damned cat!” he muttered. I heard him shift and poised myself to pounce.
When the door began to move I slammed it hard against the guard and then yanked it open and hammered the heel of my hand into his temple, dropping him like a sack of grain.

I stopped and listened intently. I could hear the sounds of voices drifting from the dark interior of the warehouse, but they sounded like normal conversation. Thankfully, they hadn’t heard me yet.
I heaved the heavy guard back onto his chair and leant it back against the inside wall, posing the body like he was still watching outside as before.

The warehouse was dark, cool and smelled clean but damp, although the floor was dry and scattered with sawdust. The rafters were hidden in the deep darkness of the roof high above me, but past the shadowy forms of crates and barrels, I could see a light dimly reflected on the distant far wall.
I crept slowly closer, using the stacks of goods as cover, until I could see where the kidnappers were hiding.

Lounging against the right-hand wall of crates was a young lad that I guessed to be in his early teens. Obviously on his first foray into the criminal world and trying to look tough in front of the others. Sat on smaller packing crates around a larger one serving as a table, were another four kidnappers playing cards and talking quietly. Behind them, tied to a chair, I could see the girl, Dawn.

I crouched again and sneaked around the wall of crates and boxes to the right, until I was behind the lounging lad and furtively eased my head out to look at the lit area. I could see no further kidnappers in the area and quickly glanced at the girl.
She looked to be about nine years old, was dressed in a pale blue dress and had dark brown hair curled into ringlets. Obviously the daughter of one of the noble or rich merchant families. Her torso and arms were tied down to a sturdy chair with length after length of rope and was looking directly at me with a look of astonishment on her face. I quickly ducked back and waited, hoping she would be smart enough to not spoil my surprise.

“What?” the lad demanded and I heard him approach the girl. “Did ya say somethin’, little bug?”
“I heard something!” she replied. “It must be the city watch come to arrest you all!” I couldn’t help but smile at her confident defiance.
“Right...” the lad sneered, “and then they’ll make ya the queen of Eastmarch.” He laughed a short ugly bark and added, “I bet ya father won’t even want ya back, ugly little bug. And then we’ll have to squish ya, like the little bug ya are!”

I heard no reply and dared to have another quick look around the wall of crates. The lad was stood in front of the girl, grinning maliciously and pretending to grind something underfoot. I watched Dawn’s defiance crack and her face crumpled as she began to sob.
The lad laughed again and called her “little bug” a few more times causing her sobbing to burst into a wailing cry.

“By the gods!” the card player nearest to them moaned aloud and turned to glare at both the lad and the girl. “Don’t get her started again, boy,” he yelled at the lad, “Get away from her!”
As the lad returned to his previous place against the crates, I heard him mutter, “Who you callin’ boy?”
The card player then growled at Dawn, “And if you don’t shut up right now, I’ll slit your throat myself!”
Her wails immediately cut off with a hiccough, although she continued to weep quietly.

I felt indignant anger boiling up within me at these heartless outlaws, brigands of the lowest order. I quietly backed up a few paces while silently drawing my knife from its scabbard. Ready, I launched myself into a run through the gap in the crates towards the card players. I slammed the hilt of my knife against the head of the nearest one as I passed him and wrapped my arm around the one who’d threatened Dawn, trapping his arms, before I brought the blade up to his throat. “Move, and your friend dies,” I growled at the others.

The kidnapper to my right, a tall man with the dark hair and dusky complexion of the southern Rastha people, slowly stood up and smiled placatingly at me, “Now, we don’t want anyone to get hurt do we lads?”
Unexpectedly, the kidnapper across from me, a skinny snake of a man with lank, greasy hair, lunged across the makeshift table with his rapier, skewering the upper fleshy part of my arm, and through into the chest of the man I was holding.
I yelped and jumped back a step, dropping the gurgling body I was holding, and brought my knife up on guard and felt the wound in my left arm throb painfully.

“Get him!” the Rastha shouted as he reached for the weapon at his belt.
The skinny kidnapper grinned and sidled past the makeshift table towards me with his rapier at the ready.
Quickly, I tumbled to the left of the skinny brigand. Turning as I rolled, l I regained my footing to his right and swiftly lashed out, driving the pommel of my dagger against the base of his skull, dropping him to the ground.

The Rastha jumped over the makeshift table holding a long, wide blade, like a machete, and chopped down at me, forcing me to dive backwards away from him. I scrambled back to my feet and ducked as the machete whistled by overhead before launching myself at him under his arm. I slammed my shoulder into his ribs, pushing him back to hit the wall of crates hard. With a nimble twist, I pulled him around and flipped him onto his back before stamping on his wrist. The Rastha howled in pain as the bones of his wrist snapped under my heel, and the machete fell from his useless grip.

I turned back to face the lad and saw that he had moved behind Dawn. He held her neck in the crook of his arm and looked as pale and frightened as she did where he held her between us. His voice shook as he threatened, “I’ll kill her if ya come any closer, I will!”
“If you run now,” I growled low in my throat and bared my teeth as I took a step towards him, “I just might let you live.”
The lad looked at me with panic clearly etched on his face, like I was some kind of monster. After a moment of indecision, he let go of Dawn’s neck and darted for the exit. He didn’t get far.

Dawn stuck her foot out as he rushed past her, tripping him and sending him flying face first into the sawdust covered floor. I had to laugh at his misfortune before I approached her and knelt on one knee in front of her. “Milady Dawn, I’m here to rescue you,” I said softly, trying to reassure her and ease the lingering fear I saw in her eyes. I stepped behind her and swiftly cut through the ropes binding her to the chair before sheathing the knife.

The girl rose from the chair and quickly stepped over to where the lad lay dazed on the floor. She kicked him and crowed in triumph, “Who’s squashed now, little bug, hey?”



Thanks for reading
Andrew
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Offline SteveJ

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2008, 12:12:52 PM »
Seems absolutely fine to me, Andrew :)
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Offline Maxine

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2008, 01:46:42 PM »
Hi Andrew, don't stop now.  You've left too many questions for a short story.  This is a good start on what promises to be a great book.
Maxine
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Offline ma100

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2008, 02:26:31 PM »
Hey Andrew

You got to see it through now mate. I agree with Maxine. :)
Good stuff.
Mairi

Offline Andrewf

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2008, 03:59:58 PM »
Thanks Steve, glad you liked it.  :)

Maxine and Mairi,    I know... I know...  I remember thinking about the whole book / series being his various adventures and slowly learning about his past...    but after writing what you’ve seen so far... which is basically just the first short story of the series or chapter of a larger novel...  I couldn’t think of new adventures that wouldn’t basically be just more of the same swash and buckle.  :-\


Andrew
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - L. Long.

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Nadine L

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2008, 10:16:47 PM »
Not sure, but I think the wrong button was clicked but it was intended to post this here. However, it arrived elsewhere. So I've copied it and added it below:


"Needs more description of the main character and what he is like.  Loved the cat's meow to get the attention of the guard.  Need to make the bad guys more formidable they were defeated too easily."


If this is not what the member intended to happen, PM me. (Please)

Nadine



Offline Age

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2008, 12:55:54 AM »
It's pretty good andrew, you just have to start a good brainstorm about WHO he is first, then pace the story out to tell about it.  All the peices are there, Aran, the tattoo, the training....just got to roll with it.  I have faith in you buddy!!!

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Offline Michaels Reflection

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2008, 05:29:35 AM »



Just read all three posts and am getting into the story very much
You keep writing, I'll keep reading
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Offline Andrewf

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2008, 10:45:20 AM »
Age,  You'll be glad to know (I hope) that I already have Who he is, What the tattoo is, Why he has no memory, Where it all started... etc   ;)
Or at least after reading the pages of notes I put down in the file I remembered all of them... ::)  But I think I’ll need to read more fantasy to get some inspiration for the new adventures and his search for his original identity.

I do have to admit that last night I did have an idea about one of the other episodes / chapters... so we shall have to see what happens.


Michaels Reflection, Thank you for reading and enjoying. I hope the rest (when I write it) also pleases. :)


Andrew
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Offline Age

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2008, 06:13:22 PM »
But I think I’ll need to read more fantasy to get some inspiration for the new adventures and his search for his original identity.

Is that a *hint*?
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

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Offline Andrewf

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2008, 06:25:19 PM »
LOL    It might have been...    was it too subtle?   :D


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Offline Laure

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2008, 05:52:01 PM »
I have enjoyed reading the next two parts. I agree it's really getting somewhere.
The characters are well portrayed and strong and you can feel they have a life of their own.

I still want to mention the surroundings. They are too anonymous for my liking. It is obviously set in an indefinite era in another time, another world. However, there is nothing here very much different from other fantasy worlds I've read about. It would be fun to make it really special, your own world ready to be inhabited by your characters.
True, readers of the genre (and it's pradoxical!) like their reference points (e.g. references to 'Master Thief' or other categories you' ll care to mention) but still there should be room for manoeuvres in there! ;)

Hope you don't see the above as the criticism, I really love the action and the character details etc ..
Keep it coming! ;D

Offline Andrewf

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2008, 06:35:24 PM »
Laure,
I agree about the lack of reference points.. but that is actually deliberate. The main character has no memories so he is lost and as much in the dark as the reader... although as we get to the end of this chapter he will get a little more information about where he is etc.


Andrew
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Offline Laure

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Re: story beginning part 3 - Fantasy - 1627 words
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2008, 07:19:54 PM »
I think it's going to make for a great story and I'm just looking forward to the rest.
I think you're right in giving more info in the next instalment. :)