Author Topic: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)  (Read 4016 times)

davidleejones13

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The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« on: March 07, 2008, 01:00:02 AM »
Hey MWC. After a long absence I am back with a new chapter. I just finished so it is a first draft. Also, it has been over a week since I have written so this chapter may be a little sluggish. Let me know what yall think...DLJ13

The imposing figure that was once Moncrede stood at the crest of a rise surveying the battlefield below. The floor of the valley was littered with the enemy casualties as far as the eye could see. The setting sun shone upon the motionless mass of the dead and off weapons that still dripped with blood. He could not distinguish between red stains of blood and the rusty glares of twilight sun meeting his black glassy eyes as he climbed upon his dark horse.

An evil grin crossed the wizened face as he descended the slope into the massive graveyard. He joyfully breathed in the smell of fresh spilled blood mingled with the scent of burning flesh deep into his nostrils. He felt a surge of excitement at the thought one more country had fallen at his feet. He did not have the power left to convert anymore humans into his forces.

He closed his eyes and communed with his massive collective of soldiers and minions.

"Who is burning the dead?"  Immediately through the eyes of his soldiers a scene materialized within his mind. Enemy captives had started a funeral pyre on the western flank of his forces and were disposing of their own fatalities.  He pointed his horse and rode as hard as he could toward the setting sun with a blazing red fire burning in his dark eyes.

****

"Favereau," Devon asked as they made their way through the village, "what did you mean when you said I was born of magic?"

"I see the Nuytumean," the Svoresome said after shooting a glance over at the gauntlet upon his arm, "destroyed my little memory spell easily enough."

"I feel it's magic and you were right Favreau, I feel no threat of possession from the raw energy. But I fear I will not be able to contain it's massive power."

"That is why I am here my boy," the old man smiled warmly, "to teach you the skills you need to control the Nuytumean's magic."

"But," Devon asked concerned, "do we have the time? The Nuytumean has allowed me to see that the Nureaytumea already controls all the lands to the north.  Moncrede is just a weeks march from here."

"Relax Devon," the old man placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "Moncrede and the power of the Nureaytumea have an unseen detour ahead of them. We will have the time required to train you properly."

The Svoresome reached inside his cloak and retrieved the old stained cloth the Nuytumean was initially wrapped in.

"You must take the gauntlet off," he said handing the tattered piece of material over, "as the enemy approaches they will be drawn to it's magic and our position will be revealed."

Devon unstrapped the glove and obediently placed it in the old towel. He reluctantly handed the parcel over feeling the power suddenly drain out of his body.

"You still have not answered my question old man." Devon said with a smirk.

"All in good time my boy," Favereau smiled and shoved the wrapped gauntlet back into his cloak.

"But what about the training?"

"There are better things to concentrate at the moment," Favereau said with a wink and motioned with a nod of his head towards a merchant cart under the shade of a nearby oak tree.

Devon looked over to see Ione bargaining with an old lady over a pair of leather boots. He looked back at the old man with a confused look.

"How can that be more important than our impending doom?"

An indignant look crossed Favereau's wrinkled face.

"Never underestimate the power of a woman!" He exclaimed and promptly disappeared in a puff of white smoke leaving Devon slack jawed staring into empty space.

****

Jerik carefully landed several yards from the cave entrance and softly set Tika down upon her feet onto the forest floor. She smiled sweetly up at him with gratitude. He felt an ache within his chest as he knew this was most probably the last time he would lay eyes upon her.

During their short flight to the heart of the Eastern Woods they had chatted and he found out, despite he was not quite human any longer, they were kindred souls. Now, he must watch her get torn apart by his dark master.

"Tika," he tried to grab her arm before she walked towards the cave entrance, "let me fly you out of here."

Suddenly his skull was full of intense pain as his evil masters presence thrust inside his mind. Jerik dropped to his knees holding his head within his hands trying to endure the intense torture.

The small girl touched him upon the shoulder and suddenly the pain was gone. Confused, he looked up into her small delicate face. She smiled at him and the blueness of her eyes seem to intensify.

"Our paths part here, you are to wait." She turned to go but paused a moment before continuing on. "Never give up hope bugman," she said without looking back.

As Jerik watched her disappear inside the cave, he felt a warm tear slowly roll down his face.





 

« Last Edit: March 09, 2008, 05:33:18 PM by davidleejones13 »

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2008, 04:26:29 AM »
He could not distinguish between stains of blood and glares of twilight sun meeting his black glassy eyes as he climbed upon his dark horse.

What does this sentence mean??  It seems to distract from the scene, rather than add to it, in my opinion.

That was the only thing that jumped out at me, other than a quick coma here...

As Jerik watched her disappear inside the cave, he felt a warm tear slowly roll down his face.


Pretty good Lee, nice twisting of events here...I'm making some private predictions, but I'll keep those to myself for now... ;)  I got some work to do my friend, you're up to part 15, I have enough for maybe another one, that's it..better get cooking!!
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

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davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2008, 04:32:45 AM »
Guess I was trying to get cutesie and imply the setting suns shade of red was the same as the stained blood on the disgarded weapons....I went ahead and added a word or two to kinda clear it up.
This is the first draft. I am sure it will get torn apart.

Thank you for reading man. Once again I had a story I had to write, I am about to post. Sleep will not come until I post it either, so here I am at 4:30AM.

Lee
« Last Edit: March 07, 2008, 04:56:30 AM by davidleejones13 »

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2008, 06:11:56 AM »
Yeah Lee. your still holding my attention mate. So get cracking. I'm not even lost yet in the six different series of stories you guys have got me reading. ;D ;D Well done
take care
Mairi

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2008, 09:21:32 AM »
Thanks Ma.
You make me blush. You even look hot with facial hair!
Hehe....I loved photoshoping your folicals


 ;)Lee

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2008, 01:47:00 PM »
Isn't there a law against that? 'Follicle Photo-shopping'.  If there isn't, there should be!

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.   :o


Chris
« Last Edit: March 09, 2008, 02:10:24 PM by Christopher Silva »

domenic

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2008, 02:20:23 PM »
motionless mass of the dead (line two). Dead was used twice in two lines..1st and 2nd. I think it might be better to change one of the Dead.

  Domenic

Offline caesura

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2008, 02:57:39 PM »
I don't normally read books from chapter 15, but that I had no difficulty understanding the action implied that the story telling was clear. Your narratorial voice is virtually transparent, which suits the fantasy style. The level of lexis and the simplicity of the sentence structure was also the standard kind of thing for the target reader of mainstream fantasy. The only detail that jarred for me was the use of 'off of' in the description of reflecting light. I suspect that the use of this has not filtered through into suburban English back in quaint Albion. Of course, that's just a quibbling and pedantic point and symptomatic of any failure in style. I thought overall it was that kind of thing I can imagine seeing on a bookshelf and regularly see things of far lesser quality actually on shelves. I did prefer your captain's log.

Offline Andrewf

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2008, 03:27:24 PM »
I'm certainly enjoying where this tale is taking me so far...

Only thing that nudged me was this para...
Suddenly his head was full of intense pain as his evil masters presence thrust inside his head. Jerik dropped to his knees holding his head within his hands trying to endure the intense torture.

Reading "head" three times in quick succession was somewhat disconcerting. But that's all  :)


Andrew
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davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2008, 04:17:42 AM »
Andrew,
Thanks, I appreciate the comment. I did stumble myself on the "head" thing the first time I read it aloud. I need to go back and change that line. As soon as I have time I will do just that. Thank you so much for reading.

Caesura,
WOW! That was a very eloquently stated comment. Thank you very much. I am glad you liked Captain's Log as well. That was one I stayed up until almost 5am writing. It was one of two times I actually got a chill while writing. A scared chill that is. Thank again for checking out my work.  ;D

Domenic,
I see it, I will change that as soon as I can. Thank you for pointing it out. This is a first draft and I expected to have to change a few things. Thanks for keeping me straight.

Chris,
I believe there is, but to be sure we should get in touch with that guy who was the fan club president for Chrissie Leigh. He would definetly know, because I think he is in the HAIR CLUB FOR MEN.  Tehee. Just a bit of light humor.
I had to work late tonight again, so I am just rolling in. I have not had time to check the boards....I trust there is a new Dark Days story on there?

I look forward to reading it!

Thank you all for commenting!

Lee

Offline dedelite

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2008, 10:47:13 PM »
You still have my interest piqued and am waiting for the rest of the story.

dedelite

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fifteen)
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2008, 03:32:06 AM »
I promise, there is a lot more of this one to come. I just need to find some time to write all of it down. On top of that I need to limit my projects to free up time to do it.
Dede, thank you for reading, you and others like you are why I keep doing this.
Steer me in the (write) direction. This way I can concentrate on what people want to read.
Thank you so Much! ;)

Your friend,
Lee