Hi davidleejones13,
I haven't read the previous parts, so I come at this fresh.
Minor point, but during the exchange of dialogue in the second half of this, you often interrupt the speech to inject small movements. I would let them speak without the interruptions. Sure, you can add the movements between them speaking if it really adds value, but at the moment it seems almost as though you're doing it out of habit.
In the foreground, and even in this very tree, birds took the lead merrily chirping away at each other. Jerik admired their frantic energy as they hunted and strived around him. He heard the scratching of sharp dangerous claws as a great black bear sharpened them on a tree two hundred yards away. Jerik admired the bears great strength and hunting skill.
The paragraph above is not bad, though it exhibits some tendencies that are common throughout, I think. One is simply a tendency to add more words than you need in order to convey what you're after. If you're inclined to trim fat from the story, you can easily look for and trim these during revision. For example, do you need 'at each other' after 'chirping away'? Do you need both 'hunted and strived'? Sometimes people use two words out of habit where either one of the words will do the job, or where a single alternative will do the job of both. There are two things he admires about the bears. In the paragraph that follows the insects' song is 'clear and loudest'. Later you have 'ties and obligations' and 'intellect and demeanor'. Of course, sometimes two words are just what is needed, which is fine, my point is that sometimes people use two words without thought. Do you need 'around him' after hunted and strived? He might be able to hear a bear scratching, but does he know that it is black? Maybe all bears are black, but it's something that stands out, and asks the question, have you included a visual description without consideration.
"Concentrate!" A sudden sharp pain exploded within his head as if his brain were being throttled within his skull. "This is the task at hand! I want you to bring her to me. Now."
The metaphor seems mixed. Throttling doesn't suggest an explosion (to me anyway).
With lighting reflexes Jerik launched him self from the high branch and was airborne.
Lighting?
After putting some distance between him and the village he landed to rest by an ancient elm. It was only after a few moments of resting in the great tree's shadow he realized this young one had not let out a single peep since her abduction. He looked over and studied the girl with detached interest. Two blue eyes stared back at him without emotion showing on her small facial features.
You don't need to say that he looked over, it's implied by saying that he studied the girl.
"I do not scare you little one?" He asked, his own voice sounding strange to his ears.
The dialogue should be more correctly written:
"I do not scare you little one?" he asked, his own voice sounding strange to his ears.
"You are not a monster." She responded in a soft voice. "The one you take me to, he is."
Similarly, this should be:
"You are not a monster," she responded in a soft voice. "The one you take me to, he is."
Jerik stood and walked over to the little girl and crouched down looking deep into her cool eyes. She did not flinch as he grabbed her chin and pulled her face even closer to his own. He saw no fear reflected there.
You don't need to say that he stood, it's implied by him walking over to the girl.
"How do you know my name?" He asked slightly awestruck.
Can someone be 'slightly' awestruck? Is there a better way to convey what you're seeking, if it's not simply awestruck?
"I told you," she said a small smile crossing her face, "I have dreamt about you for over two weeks now. I know you and your two companions as well as I know my village neighbor."
Smiles don't cross faces. It's made-up writer-speak.
"You are a fool!" Jerik answered her in anger, "you do not know what my Master is capable of."
Responded in anger? Did he shout, perhaps? Could his words be stronger, more consistent with anger? Then you wouldn't need to explain.
"No, Jerik," she said in a soft whisper letting a nervous look slip, "I have seen your Master's true form, and it is you who fail to grasp the graveness of your situation. It would not do well to cross the Dark One bugman. You must take me to him as quickly as possible."
Is there any other kind of whisper, other than soft? Or could you just say in a whisper?
Mostly minor points, of course. Good luck with your story.
Omni
