Author Topic: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)  (Read 5755 times)

davidleejones13

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The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« on: February 29, 2008, 06:44:08 PM »
As Jerik sat on a high limb overlooking a small village he listened to the symphony of the woods around him. He closed his eyes and  heard the rush of the river two miles away, a monotonous melody providing the back ground for the countless other voices of the forest.

In the foreground, and even in this very tree, birds took the lead merrily chirping away at each other.  Jerik admired their frantic energy as they hunted and strived around him. He heard the scratching of sharp dangerous claws as a great black bear sharpened them on a tree two hundred yards away. Jerik admired the bears great strength and hunting skill.

Then, there were the insects. Their song was always there clear and loudest within his mind. A great  pulsing beat like a giant heartbeat delivering communication throughout the whole Eastern Woods. It was like a sixth sense. He used it like he would sight, able to see a threat, or a meal, at a distance his eyes would fail him.

"I am one of them," the part of him that was still human thought as he let out a long slow exhale.

Jerik never felt so inhuman as the ties and obligations that state consisted of had been cut cleanly away. Instinct now motivated every one of his actions, without hardly a human thought. With his current state of mind he felt a freedom he had never experienced before. That was, until the suffocating presence of his master thrust itself within his mind for the second time this day. Immediately he focused on the task at hand.

"That is the one," the baritone voice instructed as his eyes focused on a child of about eight summers old playing in a field with friends. His mind flashed on his original task to obtain the Nureaytumea and he wondered why his master wanted to trifle with a small child.

"Concentrate!" A sudden sharp pain exploded within his head as if his brain were being throttled within his skull. "This is the task at hand! I want you to bring her to me. Now."

With lightning reflexes Jerik launched him self from the high branch and was airborne. He had just discovered the day before he had this ability while hunting a giant hawk through the tree tops near the raging river. He had grabbed a rotten branch that had given way and was falling toward the rushing torrent of the river rapids when he felt the wings expand behind him in last second desperation. That exhilarating first glide on the racing cool air of the river was the thought in his mind as he now scooped up the child and headed back into the Eastern Woods.

After putting some distance between him and the village he landed to rest by an ancient elm. It was only after a few moments of resting in the great tree's shadow he realized this young one had not let out a single peep since her abduction. He looked over and studied the girl with detached interest. Two blue eyes stared back at him without emotion showing on her small facial features.

"I do not scare you little one?" He asked, his own voice sounding strange to his ears.

"You are not a monster." She responded in a soft voice. "The one you take me to, he is."

Jerik stood and walked over to the little girl and crouched down looking deep into her cool eyes. She did not flinch as he grabbed her chin and pulled her face even closer to his own. He saw no fear reflected there.

"You knew I was coming?"

"I have dreamt of it for several nights," she responded grabbing his wrist and gently pulled his hand from her face. "The dark one's face has haunted my dreams next to yours."

"You are not," Jerik shrugged his shoulders, "at all what you appear to be."

"Neither are you Jerik," she said, "then again, none of us are what we truly appear to be."

"How do you know my name?" He asked slightly awestruck.

"I told you," she said a small smile crossing her face, "I have dreamt about you for over two weeks now. I know you and your two companions as well as I know my village neighbor."

"You are a Seer then?"

"That is what the village elders call me." She said and gently touched his hand, "You can call me what my friends call me. Tika."

It was obvious this little one had an intellect and demeanor well beyond her years. Jerik could see why his Dark Master had an interest in this young one. She had already proved herself to him she was a powerful Seer.

"You want me to call you Tika," Jerik asked jumping to his feet turning from her, "even though I take you to your doom?"

"I can see your heart bugman," she answered in a kind tone and the friendly nickname, "though your mind is in turmoil, your heart remains pure and just."

"You are a fool!" Jerik answered her in anger, "you do not know what my Master is capable of."

"No, Jerik," she said in a soft whisper letting a nervous look slip, "I have seen your Master's true form, and it is you who fail to grasp the graveness of your situation. It would not do well to cross the Dark One bugman. You must take me to him as quickly as possible."

Jerik admired the girl's bravery but was left with a very confused impression as he grabbed her up and they took to the skies once again. He found himself, despite his intentions, developing a liking for this young blue eyed girl. He dreaded the time when his master would undoubtedly cause her pain, or even worse-her death.

« Last Edit: March 05, 2008, 01:39:06 AM by davidleejones13 »

Offline dedelite

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #1 on: February 29, 2008, 07:06:30 PM »
I have read all the other chapters and like them. I don't read much science fiction but I like this story. Keep up the good job.

dedelite

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #2 on: February 29, 2008, 07:18:52 PM »
I am still well into this one mate. Another goodun, really enjoyed it.
Well done

Take care
Mairi :)

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2008, 05:24:03 AM »
Thanks Dedelite,
I think you will find some more twists and turns along the way. I have a surprise or two up my sleeve yet. I am so thrilled you are enjoying this. THat is what keeps me writing, to hear comments like yours. Thank you so much.

Ma,
The Avatar looks great. I am so glad you are using it. You are my biggest fan, and I can tell you this much: You have made a fan out of me. I love you dearly as a friend and a writer. I look forward to great times, good stories and fun hijinxs with you in the future my love.

Your American Pal,
Lee

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2008, 06:39:28 AM »
Ahhh, next peice huh??  Taking an interesting twist here lee...I've actually been working on a fantasy peice as of late, maybe we can compare notes, eh?

Not bad, I didn't find anything grammer-related wrong with it, you seem to be getting better, or at least proofing it better..or i'm just slipping in my old age...happens, you know..
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

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Offline Omni

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2008, 10:17:11 AM »
Hi davidleejones13,

I haven't read the previous parts, so I come at this fresh.

Minor point, but during the exchange of dialogue in the second half of this, you often interrupt the speech to inject small movements. I would let them speak without the interruptions. Sure, you can add the movements between them speaking if it really adds value, but at the moment it seems almost as though you're doing it out of habit.

In the foreground, and even in this very tree, birds took the lead merrily chirping away at each other.  Jerik admired their frantic energy as they hunted and strived around him. He heard the scratching of sharp dangerous claws as a great black bear sharpened them on a tree two hundred yards away. Jerik admired the bears great strength and hunting skill.

The paragraph above is not bad, though it exhibits some tendencies that are common throughout, I think. One is simply a tendency to add more words than you need in order to convey what you're after. If you're inclined to trim fat from the story, you can easily look for and trim these during revision. For example, do you need 'at each other' after 'chirping away'? Do you need both 'hunted and strived'? Sometimes people use two words out of habit where either one of the words will do the job, or where a single alternative will do the job of both. There are two things he admires about the bears. In the paragraph that follows the insects' song is 'clear and loudest'. Later you have 'ties and obligations' and 'intellect and demeanor'. Of course, sometimes two words are just what is needed, which is fine, my point is that sometimes people use two words without thought. Do you need 'around him' after hunted and strived? He might be able to hear a bear scratching, but does he know that it is black? Maybe all bears are black, but it's something that stands out, and asks the question, have you included a visual description without consideration.

"Concentrate!" A sudden sharp pain exploded within his head as if his brain were being throttled within his skull. "This is the task at hand! I want you to bring her to me. Now."

The metaphor seems mixed. Throttling doesn't suggest an explosion (to me anyway).

With lighting reflexes Jerik launched him self from the high branch and was airborne.
Lighting?

After putting some distance between him and the village he landed to rest by an ancient elm. It was only after a few moments of resting in the great tree's shadow he realized this young one had not let out a single peep since her abduction. He looked over and studied the girl with detached interest. Two blue eyes stared back at him without emotion showing on her small facial features.

You don't need to say that he looked over, it's implied by saying that he studied the girl.

"I do not scare you little one?" He asked, his own voice sounding strange to his ears.

The dialogue should be more correctly written:

"I do not scare you little one?" he asked, his own voice sounding strange to his ears.

"You are not a monster." She responded in a soft voice. "The one you take me to, he is."

Similarly, this should be:

"You are not a monster," she responded in a soft voice. "The one you take me to, he is."

Jerik stood and walked over to the little girl and crouched down looking deep into her cool eyes. She did not flinch as he grabbed her chin and pulled her face even closer to his own. He saw no fear reflected there.

You don't need to say that he stood, it's implied by him walking over to the girl.

"How do you know my name?" He asked slightly awestruck.

Can someone be 'slightly' awestruck? Is there a better way to convey what you're seeking, if it's not simply awestruck?

"I told you," she said a small smile crossing her face, "I have dreamt about you for over two weeks now. I know you and your two companions as well as I know my village neighbor."

Smiles don't cross faces. It's made-up writer-speak.

"You are a fool!" Jerik answered her in anger, "you do not know what my Master is capable of."

Responded in anger? Did he shout, perhaps? Could his words be stronger, more consistent with anger? Then you wouldn't need to explain.

"No, Jerik," she said in a soft whisper letting a nervous look slip, "I have seen your Master's true form, and it is you who fail to grasp the graveness of your situation. It would not do well to cross the Dark One bugman. You must take me to him as quickly as possible."

Is there any other kind of whisper, other than soft? Or could you just say in a whisper?

Mostly minor points, of course. Good luck with your story.

Omni

shellie_baby

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2008, 12:41:34 PM »
I really enjoyed reading this, as a matter of fact I was quite disappointed when I had to stop.
I'm a big sci-fi and fantasy fan, so you get a big thumbs up from me. ;D
My own novel is shying away in shame at this very moment. ;D ;D

Keep up the good work
shellie xx

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2008, 01:52:28 PM »
Age,
Thanks dude. Yes, I have said before you and I should get together and write a story or two. I think it would be fun. THank you for the confidence booster as well. Did you ever get to view the avatar I did for you? You said you had problems...

Omni,
Thank you for the feedback. You have given me much to digest and I will go through and make some changes. Sometimes people tend to get used to a writer and they do not want to do a thorough critique in fears they might offend. This is exactly what I need to make my work better. Thank you very much. I would encourage you to read the other chapters at your convinience and do the same to them. One can always get better, the day we think we can't get any better should be the day we are aquiring room temperature. :)

Shellie,
Oh please do not ever get discouraged. That would be a crime. As long as you write from your creativity and your heart, you can not go wrong. Your comment was very sweet and you made me blush with the 'x's'.
Just remember, write for you first and never get discouraged by criticism. People are just trying to help you get better, as long as they are constructive. Most here on MWC are good writers and will always approach it in that way. The few who are not, do not let them bring you down. ;)

Thank you all for reading. There will be more to come, unless I find MYSELF suddenly acquiring room temperature.
Then I am sure Ma will have at me with her psycho character! ;D

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2008, 02:11:16 PM »
Yeah !! Well stop chatting . Get writing ;D

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2008, 04:06:39 AM »
Monday Ma,
I promise. Got the day off.

Lee ;)

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2008, 01:37:39 AM »
Ma,
I got called in Monday so I could not write. I am very busy for the next few days but I will try to get to the keyboard if I can make some free time. I have not had much of it lately. Thank you for being a friend and reading my stuff. I like your work as well...

Lee

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2008, 02:08:33 AM »
Don't worry Lee, I think I may have stolen your inspiration, so I'll try to keep them entertained till you get back!   ;)
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2008, 02:20:49 AM »
Age,
I believe it is work that has stolen my inspiration!
Don't worry though, I will be flingn poo again real soon!!!


Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2008, 10:05:43 AM »
Lee,  sorry, I missed this one somehow. I enjoyed this and your story is coming along very well. Good work.

Chris

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Fourteen)
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2008, 10:11:33 AM »
Thank you Chris,
You were the original inspiration for this one. I just strive to, one day, write as well as you my friend.
I posted this while you were on your business trip. I know how a busy life can destract from MWC. I am going through that right now. I MUST get my laptop fixed.

Your American friend,
Lee