Ahhh, the Lee man returns...you're slowing down my friend...
Good read sir, good read...The setting sun eclipse was a neat peice, i think you should add a few more details on this part...
The sun was beginning to set and he saw as it sunk towards the horizon the lower half of the red fiery orb had a huge bite taken out of it. The sun had caught up with the moon in their race for this day's horizon.
This first sentence seems a bit oddly worded, I had to read it several times for it to make sense..
The two watched as the eclipse happened just as the sun touched the lip of the earth, exploding in a brilliant ring of fire around the dark roundness of the moon at its center.
As she sat there looking up at him he felt odd. As he studied her body, which he had never seen within the flowing silky gown she wore to sleep in, he did not feel lust. Even as his eyes studied her curves and the the material straining to hold her breasts within their silky bondage, he did not feel the familiar animalistic instinct. Instead, to his confusion, he felt love for her. He studied her soft red hair in the fire light and longed to run his fingers through it.
while I think i understand your meaning, "Instead, to his confusion, he felt love for her" sounds a little...I dunno, off. He felt love for her? meaning what? Wanting to run his hand threw her hair seems to come back in a lustful way, a contradictive way. consider that..
Devon felt a twinge of excitement as she pulled back the gown to show him the roundness of one of her breasts. His excitement turned to horror as he saw a red rawness and bleeding insect bites.
haha, brilliant, I thought that was great....*tear*
"I dunno," Ione said and for the first time since their shared childhood showed falibility as she began sobbing. "the attack was unseen, I suppose some sort of dark magic."
okay, skipped a little bit here, you'll see why in a second...
Just seemed a little awkward dialouge here..."the attack was unseen" (Oh, capitalize 'the' also...), it just sounds a bit out of place, given her speaking habits. 'I dunno' and 'i suppose' just clash with it, IMO...
"What happened?" He asked confused kneeling beside her and studying her mangled skin.
He gently opened up her gown and slid it from her shoulders revealing her battered skin. He gently began caressing her naked shoulders and to both their amazement, the silky softlness returned to her skin before their eyes.
These two parts are effective at describing at what you want to describe, without bombarding the reader with "BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!!!" a nice touch...
The itching and pain dried up as the two were suddenly overwhelmed and caught up in the moment. Pain and irritation was taken over by ecstasy as they made love for the rest of the evening.
...however, this part HERE just seems to skip out on almost everything. I understand you're trying to clean it up, but a few more details couldn't hurt, could it?
"The irritated skin seemes to melt away, replaces my fresh skin beneath. Ione looked up into Devon's eyes, all the pain from the distant magic erased. Instead, they were filled with longing..." and so on and so forth. Make a passionate kiss man!! Maybe skip the dirty details, but definitely show the passion and chemistry.
"Come on my boy-" as if at the mention of his name the old man made his entrance and stopped mid sentence upon the scene before him his face blushing red. "AH, I see the Nuytumean found it's way to you last night, amongst others." The last words were said out of the corner of the old man's mouth.
The begining of this paragraph lost me momentarily. Maybe if you discribed Favreau barging in, then speaking, it would flow a tad better. Describing the same thing of course, again, this is all IMO.
All in all a good read, I hope I didn't run you threw the ringer too hard too quick there.
hmm...and SOMEWHERE there was a word with an 'L' it did not need, I can't find it right now...
