Author Topic: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)  (Read 5126 times)

davidleejones13

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The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« on: February 14, 2008, 06:04:53 PM »
As Jerik stumbled through the Eastern Forest, he had to stop several times to vomit. The venom sickened his body and clouded his mind. Delusional visions played within his mind, causing him to see thousands of eyes staring at him from the countless trees around him.

His legs became weak and shaky, but he wanted to get far away from his dark master before he stopped to rest. He pushed his body until it failed him and he collapsed in a trembling heap beneath an ancient mangled oak.

Jerik wretched one more time and leaned his back against the rotting tree, thankful its bark was soft against his aching back. His head throbbed in time with his beating heart. Tiny rhythmic explosions of fiery pain.

He looked up at the full moon. It was so brilliant he had to squint his eyes, causing a shooting pain to gnaw at his temples. He shivered against the cold night and hugged his tired arms tightly around his torso.

Jerik felt something crawling on his cheek. He tried to swat at the insect that was all wiggling legs, but his body was paralyzed with exhaustion. His mind screamed in terror as he saw termites seeping from the bark of the tree at his back as if they were liquid being squeezed from a bloated sponge. Ants and other insects oozed from the ground and the forest around him blanketing his body. His mind flashed with the memory of the earlier swarm and he braced his worn out body for the stinging attack that did not come.

His body warmed being blanketed by the ghastly quilt of writhing bugs. Jerik's mind released the fear and mind numbing slumber shattered his dark thoughts into dreamless sleep. He felt himself smile under the moonlit sky.

**********************

Ione awoke with a start bolting upright from her soft bed and her body covered in sweat.  She laid back down and pulled the covers to her chest, shivering against an imagined chillness. She looked over at the cheerful fire within the fire place and another shiver ran down her spine.

The rest of the night she spent tossing and turning feeling billions of creepy crawling legs moving all over her body.  She kept throwing her covers aside expecting to find herself covered in bugs.

**********************

Jerik awoke suddenly and began to panic upon realizing he could not move. He was wrapped tightly inside some type of membrane and his body was immersed in a thick liquid. His lungs refused the urge to breathe, his mind being afraid of drowning.

In a panic he pushed with arms and legs against the restraining cocoon around him to no avail until his lungs could no longer resist the urge to take a breath. His mouth opened up and the thick warm salty liquid filled his lungs with heaviness. He awaited a drowning death.

To his surprise the liquids warmth spread through his body and death did not take him. The sickness and exhaustion that had wracked his body suddenly seemed but a distant memory. Strength returned to his limbs and he pushed against the wrapped restraint and it easily gave way. He pushed out of the cocoon into the dark forest night.

He looked around him to see the moon had set. The warm liquid still hung as a thick glaze on his naked body. He looked to the ground and saw his clothing tattered and strewn across the clearing under the mangled oak.

Jerik's spell sight allowed him to see into the shadows around him, this he was used to. What came to him as a surprise was the keenness of his other senses. He smelled the thick decaying sent of the tree before him. He heard thousands of little creatures scurrying in the underbrush several yards away. He looked at the ground around him and sensed the endless  chemical trials used by the miniscule ants. He also caught the putrid scent and the hushed whispers of the pack of Reichtlings that were slowly closing in around him. The half human, half beasts, were notorious for their coordinated and stealthy attacks on unsuspecting travelers in this forest.

He flexed his muscles and noticed they felt powerful and ready for action. He looked around for his sword but did not see it anywhere around. As the first Reichtling stepped into the clearing Jerik surprised himself at how quickly he closed the open distance and pounced. Before he even knew what he was doing instinct drove him  to bite into the creatures neck. It was at this moment he first noticed his new set of fanged teeth as blood sprayed him from the Reichtling's severed artery. The taste of the blood was intoxicating and sent him into a dreamlike state as the rest of the pack entered the clearing with malicious gaping grins.

The next ten minutes Jerik killed without thought. Pure instinct drove him and he methodically killed a dozen Reichtling with minimal exertion and with single minded purpose. Then he fed on the remains late into the night with nary a human thought.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2008, 01:25:28 PM by davidleejones13 »

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2008, 07:22:31 PM »
Ah Jeez! the insects yeuck. But all the same well done Lee. This story is still compelling.
Take care
Mairi

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2008, 07:26:02 PM »
Ma,
I just hope it is compelling enough to keep you reading!  ;)

Your friend.
Lee

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2008, 02:07:50 AM »
Quite good Lee, though I somehow don't think it was the mages he serves that did this...
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2008, 02:17:20 AM »
AGE,
You are a cleaver and insightful human being...this is all I can tell you at this point! ;)
Glad you are still into the series.


Lee

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2008, 11:13:44 AM »
An interesting turn. Good change-up Lee.

Lovin' the Wizard War

Chris

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2008, 05:06:47 AM »
Chris.
Just trying to keep it fresh Chris.
I want it to be a thrilling ride with a twists and turns. I want even the most seasoned roller coaster enthusiasts to be surprised. That is what I am all about. In todays lingo...That is how I roll...

Lee

Offline Omni

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2008, 06:43:38 AM »
As Jerik stumbled through the Eastern Forest, he had to stop several times to wretch up what was left in his stomach.

Some nit-picky stuff, not much because I'm time-limited right now:

Personally I would prefer a sentence structure that was more direct, but that's more a matter of style and personal preference. So the above, as written, might become:

Jerik stumbled through the Eastern Forest. He stopped several times to wretch up what was left in his stomach.

But there are other issues here that give an impression of sloppiness in the writing. For example:

He stopped several times to wretch up what was left in his stomach.

'Wretch' refers to a person, not the act of vomiting. For that you almost certainly mean 'retch', so better is:

He stopped several times to retch up what was left in his stomach.

Still not great, because vomiting by its nature involves bringing up the contents of your stomach, so it only needs to be:

He stopped several times to retch.

But retch typically suggests the act of vomiting whereby your body heaves but you don't bring anything up (perhaps because there's nothing left to bring up). So if you mean the contents of the stomach being brought up, you probably don't want to use retch at all. Maybe what you're really after is simply:

He stopped several times to vomit.

The venom that coursed within his veins sickened his body and clouded his mind.

I'm not sure why you use within when the simple in would do:

The venom that coursed in his veins sickened his body and clouded his mind.

It's implied that the venom is in his veins if it's having an effect, so you could reduce it to:

[The] venom sickened his body and clouded his mind.

It still conveys what you're after.

He had delusional visions playing within his mind, causing him to see thousands of eyes staring at him from the countless trees around him.

Again, more style and personal preference, but perhaps:

Delusional visions played in his mind, causing him to see thousands of eyes staring at him from the trees.

He wiped the edge of his mouth a looked up at the full moon. It was so brilliant he had to squint his eyes, causing a shooting pain to gnaw at his temples. He shivered against the cold night and hugged his tired arms tightly around his torso.

Not sure why you need him wiping his mouth at this point. Doesn't seem to add anything useful and it draws attention away from the bright moon and the cold, which is what you probably ought to focus on.

Hope that helps.

Omni

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2008, 06:45:54 AM »
Omni, very good advice here.

Chris

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2008, 01:27:42 PM »
Omni,
Thank you very much for reading, and keeping me straight. Sometime I do tend to over explain, especially when I am caught up in the moment and the ideas are flowing.

I made those changes right away.
Thanks.
Lee

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2008, 02:23:31 PM »
Cheers Lee for sending me the missing chapters mate. You know what a ditz I am I'd be trawling forever. All caught up now hehe
Get writing lol
Mairi ;D

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2008, 07:20:35 PM »
Ma,
You are welcome.
Glad you are all caught up. Let me know whatcha think. I will probably write another chapter in the wee hours tonight/tomorrow. Hopefully there won't be too many Beasties hangn about.

Lee

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2008, 09:44:16 AM »
I think it's a good story Lee. I'm looking forward to more.  :)
take care mate


Mairi

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Twelve)
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2008, 12:50:29 PM »
Thanks Ma.
I was going to write some more last night but I had my kids and they would not have any of that. I will try to write some more today, but I have to work in a few hours so I do not know if I will get it done.  I am glad you like the story though.

Thanks for reading.

Lee